Category: Planetary Status Reports

I heard Kendrick made fun of Will Smith’s wife …

And then Will Smith met with Kanye about that THING between Ice Spice and Taylor …

But then all hell broke loose when ICE-T sent the OG crew after Drake and his poot-pounder militia …

I heard Lil Wayne stole Wheezy’s YOLK-MOLD and now half of Mogersville is filled with bangers from Dickton and Rentley and Stratford by Avon …

And after the last gun play? – the GHEY boys sold tootsie roll wrappers to the sky HOP demon with the gold teeth and the fuzzy hat …

But NAT VON BLONSTER stole the NIGHT, when EMINEM started vomiting up his soldier boy rum and the last of the HEBREW derelicts gave up the tunnel treasure for the Hester-Wives of Brooklyn.

And then DRAKE had something to say about it …

Kendrick says Drake “lost his mind” when he couldn’t find his pudding stash. And the eyelash sisters, who stand idlily by, haven’t got the JUICE to CUT IT LOOSE and shake their caboose for the CRIPPS from FRESNO. Bloods sing too, and the EAST COAST ATL rappers form up into their throngous-armies and weld a strong pipe of love scum and Nordic pig wrestling.

Sure, Drake says that Kendrick killed his moms, and that all the old gangstas are lost in Rancho Cucamonga … that said, the bed they made for HIP HOP glory is the oldest story of hookers and ICE and gats and knives … throwing stars and pillowcases filled with d-cell batteries. Everyone is getting ready for DRAKE’S NEXT THING …

Drake is complaining about anal rash.

There are signs that Kendrick may have poisoned his stew by selling goo to a girl named Lisa. Lisa used to date Snoop Dogg, but is now being hunted by the Peruvian police units for being too damn sexy.

After DRAKE finished recording his album: “TUFF”, he met with the donut hassle crew and fed them turnip wine. Kendrick showed up and they began wrestling each other, stroking each other off, and the whole assembly began to get sick.

And that’s when Will Smith showed up … Have you heard about that?

Will Smith was piloting a submarine for L Ron Hubbard’s SEA-ORG, when he found evidence of Drake’s bullshit.

Smith’s wife was diving, naked, digging for muggle-worms, when DRAKE slipped in FROM BEHIND … BOOM. And Will fired 8 torpedoes, but the cans told him too many THETANS are living in his hands, so the sand swallows him up and his wife and his submarine.

And that’s when Kendrick makes his play …

After SMITH and his SCIENTOLOGY friends were destroyed by the sands of time, Samuel L Jackson had some words with Kendrick.

Jackson and Kendrick were friends, back in the 1980’s. Jackson taught Kendrick the STREET THUG LIFE and the strife of a man’s war against prejudice and herpes. Jackson had been ordered by LL Cool J to bring PEACE to the Hip Hop world, but Jackson had a different mission, an uglier one …

Kendrick set up an ass-trap at his condo in Vegas, where Jackson tripped on a wire, and there was a fire, and half the Mormon Boy’s Choir played the lyre for Ted. And when the waters retreated, the band was seated, and Samuel L Jackson was dead.

Matt Damon got stuck, with Richard Gere, at the VEGAS HAMSTER FESTIVAL. Kendrick shows up and starts dissing Drake …

Richard and DRAKE go back to the fuselage parties in London in 1998 …

Drake made mud cake and sold a few to Richard, and then Matt Damon shows up and covers himself in coyote stool. Now Kendrick is saying that DRAKE has no gumption? – and Richard Gere is just busy pushing hamsters up his zone cave.

They say Drake is cruising all night now, looking for Kendrick. He goes out in his TOYOTA PRIUS and seeks the Jen-Kon power of Mao Mao Mike Tyson style fruit slurry. And Kendrick is going to Buddhist temples, finding karmic dust in his elbow magnet. His girl, Deeglah, spreads the word to the EAST SIDE HOOLIES … and there will be NO PEACE.

No peace between Kendrick and Drake.

No peace between the living and the dead.

No peace when Richard gets done, and the squirrel army of revenge shows up …

No peace.

Only Hip Hop.