My family comes from the great City of Uusoo, near the 100th MERIDIAN. These secrets are buried in the music video below, so tragically hip.
In the years between the GREAT MUD FLOOD of 1780, and the last of the nuclear fires died down in 1870, my family migrated to the Oneida Utopian Colony where men and women had monkey sex and goals. Our jumbled past fills volumes with air pocket miracles. We ruled 67 tribes of hooker women. Our WINE was envied. We laid down our seed trail in the EAST and then moved WEST when the maps erased our names and the FLAME of Old Tartary was extinguished.
We ruled the SKIES as SPACE DEMONS and DIRIGIBLE DUKES! My great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great GRANDPA was the 64th Commodore of the GREAT TARTARY SKY NAVY … aka COMMODORE-64 … all of this encoded into the ephemera of modernity. Terrors struck the pimp lords of ANCIENT S’COMPTON and the frugal lords of Jebluus wound needle string tomes of longing and soup. During the GREAT SKY RACE of 1745, my ancestors flew a ship called the CLOUD BUSTER and its flag was gold and red and white and black.
There is still a statue to my greatest ancestor, Admiral James T. Kirk, you can see it here:
And as with so much evidence of ANCIENT TARTARY, this statue was renamed FIRST and then TOPPLED by the communists and frag-warriors of MONKEY HERPES FAME.
TARTARY has been at war with DENMARK for 24,000 years …
Danes ravaged our women and stole our cigarettes …
Danes would not brush their teeth and consumed canned fish and stale vegetables …
We fought so many sky battles against the DANES and Hooker Republics of Mars.
Our lesser ancestors cleaned toilets and ate mule paste. They wandered the 8 realms of Tartary, stealing, messing about, working the docks and selling guns and whiskey to the IRISH.
I have only recently discovered my family’s origins after consuming a special mushroom and having a sample of my jizz analyzed by super-scientists at the BIOMAT money-4-blood shoppe. Inside my power-protein are the lines of past adventures and princely passions. There is a lost Shakespearean FOLIO that outlines in many histories the story of my family, but these documents were lost and replaced with INFINITE STAR WARS and MARVEL MOVIES.
Careful harmonic analysis of RAP MUSIC inscribes these truths as MIND ETCHINGS and broken tantrum dreams. WEEVIL WONDER lay beneath the deceptions and the liars must be beaten with rods. Travelers from other dimensions have relayed other findings and the MOTHMAN tells his own tale.
WE RODE MAMMOTH and ate like kings in old TARTARY.
One of my ancestors married a GIANT named “Old Tooth” – Old Tooth had one big tooth and spent his days smoking crack and hanging on the stoop of his apartment … drinking malt liquor.
Many years ago we discovered ancient jars of clay.
Stored in the jars was a dried substance, dusty, musty, pale and moldy. The material was sticky and when water was added to it, it became a smoky white griddle-cake topping. This was the kind of breakfast food that the TARTARIANS consumed daily, a wretched grease habit picked up from the DANES.
My TARTARIAN NAME is traced to KINGS AND QUEENS that ruled the bug trade of those ancient times. We accrued and LOST great wealth, and when the MUD FLOOD arrived and the 100 years of chaos we were some of the TRUE SURVIVORS, hanging on to the last crusty on the edge of the toilet bowl. We call it the GREAT FLUSH, you skleeb-yeoman call it the MUD FLOOD … we are not the same.
Maps from 1767 show my family’s holdings stretching from WEST CHICAGO to the RIO GRANDE and all the way to PORT ANGELES, WA. We owned the 5 castles which guarded the NORTH PASSAGE and we traded with sklyg-orks and weasel-woke.
Recent tragedies in my own life? – not because I’m an old crotchety burn out … no … because of the GREAT COVER-UP of OLD TARTARY.
Supposedly, Port Angeles was FILLED IN WITH MUD about 100 years ago when the timber harvesters showed up and started hunting long pig. That’s the story at least …
If you follow me, all 6/7 of you, then you know I think a major catastrophe is upon us and the worst of it will begin this summer. You can think of it in banal terms as “global permafrost collapse”, but in reality that boring description hides a potential extinction level event. Best case scenario: we are heading towards Hot House Earth and large swaths of the planet will become uninhabitable very soon.
The PRC and its leadership have likely been aware of this for a long time, and IF the Covid/Vaccine campaigns were military psychological warfare then perhaps ONE of the purposes of this was to hide massive forced migration of Chinese citizens to climate safe zones in the deep south – S. America, New Zealand, Tasmania, Antarctica.
When I was a kid no one I knew in Western Washington needed air conditioning, ever. This may seem off topic, but as I was out walking today (in early May) I remarked at one of the more obvious cases of someone who had installed air conditioning and it seemed like it was on full power – Port Angeles, WA. This summer a lot of folks, especially in King and Pierce Counties, will be buying AC units, heat pumps, escape from the unrelenting heat.
Also, as a kid 5 decades ago, we were told we never had to worry about GREAT WHITE SHARKS in the Puget Sound, for three basic reasons: a) the orca pods would scare them away, b) the water is too cold and c) there’s plenty of food in the ocean for them or along the coasts. I’d say (a), (b), and (c), used to be true – none of those points are true now. The local orca pods are NOT doing great, the water is warming and FOOD in the wider ocean (see the story of the gray whales) is not the giant feast it used to be.
Add to this, the recent discovery of new sharks in the Puget Sound. Predators will avoid breaking boundary conditions of their habitats IF there is plenty of food. When the food runs low the predator has the choice of staying and dying OR going some place else. While cold water threatens great white sharks, WARM OR HOT water is just as bad for the great white – they like it warm, but not too warm. That’s the Puget Sound now, warm, not too warm, orca pods not doing so great, and plenty of food (for a creative predator).
This summer will be a barn burner, and the Western Washington beaches (like West Beach near Deception Pass) will be very popular.
I wonder if this will be the first summer a large shark attacks a swimmer or other human in the Puget Sound. Ghoulish? – yes. Exaggeration? – no.
I was at the grocery store, and something SPECIAL was on sale: slatfish.
Slatfish …
“$3.00 a pound … that’s a deal”, I thought.
On the LABEL it said that slatfish is “a tangy Tilapia type surge-horn yellow-stripe perch with arms and legs and vigor and glowing green eyes and a HERO’S APPETITE … SLATFISH are healthy white-style fish, intended for Tennessee hooker weddings and lazy country afternoons with Thelma Borecrotch of the church choir.”
It seemed an intriguing bite-dish. I could serve this to the people at my job I truly love.
Slatfish have parasites … like the verz-worm.
The verz-worm is a South American butt-herpes infestation that enters your body when someone IN YOUR FAMILY eats slatfish and then uses the common shower. These worms will fill your soul with heavy metal delight and if not taken care of will lead to NEW SETTLEMENTS along the SALTON SEA.
Lots of stories from Federal Way near Seattle of slatfish slunking out of Lake Washington and stealing and eating French bulldogs and pugs. More than a few avocado witches have raised complaints concerning this DISASTER. While most don’t care, one Seattle denizen claimed that “these wretched little dogs are Danish toys of thoughtlessness, they need to be fed to the six gill sharks.” Others have echoed this sentiment.
They say the slatfish are wandering and taking their time … they are in no hurry to reach a destination, not like the monkeys that toss their poop about.
The best way to cook slatfish is on a slat of cedar wood, hence the name. You carve the slatfish into Philly cheese steak dimensions, frying the fish in seed oils and discarded boob-gurglings. You add cilantro and tomato and celery and pepper, cucumber slices and cornbread pudding sklizz. Brush it off with carrot juice gloss and serve moldy and lukewarm to guests from Copenhagen.
Slatfish are cool mixtures of pain sorcery and nightingale pomp. Your MOM’S BOOVULA will INTINGOOLATE at the thought of frozen slatfish style butt plug recipes, for August, when it gets HOT.
Slatfish are high in OMEGA-15 butt crack compounds and other GET RICH QUICK nutrient salves. Your MUSK WOMAN will HURL her GIRL SPEW when she sees that body renewal from slatfish oils activated by SEAFLOW power energy spider egg crystals and micro-butt-plugs.
Slatfish is being sold at WHOLE FOODS and WALMART. It comes in cans that are colored red and green for easy identification. This is a kind and tender sandwich spread and you can use this instead of tuna or cave-slug.
When it comes to common MEAT substitutes, to include elbow-rat and long-pig, slatfish contain 124% more MICRO-VITAMINS and TRANS-FAT-NUTRITIONAL grease-oils. Your HEART will thank you for this bounty.
Monkey heart’d fringe-folk are making strawberry sliders using slatfish, adding it to their soups and salads and dryg-pudding recipes. Slatfish is taking the ROYAL SCENE by storm, as KINGS and QUEENS partake in this latest rake of roaming sea savagery and land omens.
Crisis in the foothills is making it harder to find the dreary beasts who move from pond to pond eating algae and stealing WiFi. Slatfish are semi-aware and looking for love connections with MILF type farmer wenches who sell their thigh-crispy sufferings to wandering hobo camps and football stars.
There’s no need to forget how many pup-women were sacrificed to OPEN THE WAY for keto bros and paleo junkies. Dirg-quadrant squid foragers reported seeing weird lights in the sky, and bats with machine guns ruling the NIGHT. All of this was the opening to our food future and slatfish FEAST.
Several hundred fishermen go missing each year, looking for slatfish, down at the wharf. Some of them carry jugs of merman-mead and jester-goop, others are seen falling asleep under pickup trucks with coke farmers. Danish pimps, with pursed lips and cursed words, move out into the countryside to find JOY SPIRIT in the fields and coves. Loaves of bread are offered to the TREE SPIRITS and green leaf mornings give way to endless brown and red desert fortunes.
Slatfish are chain-hunters. They hide in the closets and old cardboard boxes left by the roadside in small towns in Appalachia. They peak out of the hollers and valleys and torn up forests of Doobinsville and Grophley, Kentucky. Weary from battle, these cave-salamanders spend their Friday nights drinking moonshine and killing time playing cards with old bards.
The slatfish chase our monkey future and give nothing in return.
My heritage is monkey heritage, and my people are monkey people.
Monkeys were here before the slatfish and will remain as the clock winds down.
Monkeys have cool groove style and will TRAVEL MILES to have fried slatfish and gravy.
I was made by a monkey.
You were made by a monkey.
I am a monkey.
You are a monkey.
Monkeys will eat me, and they will make MORE monkeys.
If you live in a city, any city, on Earth, you should have moved away from that place 10 years ago. 10 years ago you could have taken your resources, “knowledge” (not sure what knowledge you have that will help you in the world to come, but okay), and those people and things you care about. 10 years ago you would have still had enough time to build social capital, to understand your neighbors, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: to methodically select an ideal location. You would have missed out on “profits” from your mortgage-based housing scheme and this is true; those profits will not help you now.
If you decide to put your home up for sale TODAY and you live in a city, you are looking for either a large private fund (they are gating and closing up right now) to buy your home (Blackrock) or for the next fool (someone dumber than you, like the fools moving to Florida). You live in a place that ships in most of its food in a JIT environment, a place that requires industrial water treatment, a place that is likely near toxic industries or boiling water nuclear power plants. You probably, if you live in a city, live near a primary target: that’s a first strike target for those nuclear powers that have missiles pointed at us. You could try to sell your home today, you might make a wise decision about where to move, but it’s probably too late. Soon, you will see two kinds of signs everywhere: a) “MOVING SALE” and b) “FOR SALE”. If it hasn’t happened in your city neighborhood yet, it will soon.
Don’t move to Florida, I’m too tired to explain why.
Don’t move anywhere near the oceans, at all.
You need to be as far away as possible from boiling water nuclear power plants: these are the most dangerous kinds that require the most supervision, even “decommissioned” plants can be lurking disasters.
If you plan on staying in your city? – I hope there is a navigable body of water nearby, because you won’t be escaping by car, plane or train. If you can’t afford a 19 foot West-Wight Potter trailer sailor? – next best bet are kayaks, dry bags, small baggage floats you can pull behind you with food, water, tents. You will need to practice. You will need to know WHERE you plan on going, because you just don’t want to hit the water with no plan. But, tbh, even now, you’re better off abandoning your home, hoping you can sell it, and GTFO of the cities.
Cities will descend into a hellish landscape faster than you can imagine and as bad as your city is RIGHT NOW, it will become so much worse.
During heat waves, assuming you still have electricity, homeless people will bust down your door for shelter from the heat LONG BEFORE they die of hunger and heat waves are going to be fucking harsh this summer in almost all major US cities. And these heat waves will persist for YEARS if not DECADES and only get worse. Other than chemically nucleated “winter”, don’t expect a real one for a long time.
Pretty much no one sees this and most of my family rarely talks to me now – not unless they get a visit from the Secret Service first (ha, but true). I have very few real friends. I have a few FEDs that monitor me, pretend to be “pals”, but I might have at most 1-3 real friends and none are local. I have one family member I can depend on and that’s more than most. No one is going to see this, not really, and I simply don’t give a fuck.
If your comment is “I’m just living my life”, fine – you could have gotten the fuck out of the cities 10 years ago and lived a better life, a more real and healthier one. If your “freedom” is about watching your city descend into cannibalism AND WORSE, then that’s for you pal – and don’t fucking complain.
GOOD FUCKING LUCK!
Boblimptock is nearly over.
Grinken Time is not far away.
(have fun with your city life while it lasts)
BTW: DO NOT MOVE ANYWHERE BELOW 300 FEET SEA LEVEL … or do … IDGAF.
TOP 10 places to go, my best guess (300 feet above sea level for all options):
(also: best are expensive – means you need a lot of money especially now that the US dollar is about to collapse)
The tip of S. America, either Argentina or Chile
New Zealand
Tasmania
Any islands SOUTH OF -38 degrees LATITUDE with land >300 feet above sea level
