PLANETARY STATUS REPORT!

I don’t really care what happens to me at this point, this is strange because I’ve been taking better care of myself, health-wise, for several months. It’s incremental: drinking less alcohol, managing my diet, starting my first blood pressure meds. Each attempt to use the “health” care system has resulted in bills I can’t pay, and I simply DON’T GIVE A FUCK about paying. But still, because there is still ONE PERSON in this life I care about, I am trying.

I don’t really have any friends, not really, maybe I have one or two friends. I don’t really care now about this.

I have a few folks connected to my podcast I’ll talk to on the phone, and, especially at first, they seem nice. But as time goes on 9/10 of these INTERNET friends turns out to be some variety of grifter, manipulator, liar. Where I live right now? – I have no local friends, save one, boy did I learn that the last few weeks while being persecuted unfairly by the Port Angeles School District.

I still work for the district: a) because it would be TOO BLATANT if they fired me given the other fucks who have done worse and faced no consequences this last school year AND b) I need the money. I’d also add [C], I have a family member who I share the struggle with, they depend upon me, I depend upon them. Funny: my strongest relationship right now is based upon co-dependence, the TSARS of healthy living would say this is wrong – yet it’s one of the few things in my life that feels right. Even hermits need people, and sometimes we NEED an ally to survive the night.

I’d love to say “I’m depressed”, but I think I left that paradigm 10 years ago. I’m simply not able to survive. Soon I’ll be starting a second job and I hope I’ll be able to make ends meet, but I also know that “hope” is not very useful, not really. I know very soon what little I have will evaporate, I also suspect this same reality will confront EVERYONE.

I think I still believe in God, but I’m not sure why …

I think God, my whole life, has been protecting the WORST FUCKING PEOPLE that I’ve ever known, personally. These are friends, acquaintances, colleagues, family members, etc. While the BEST I have known (and I don’t claim to be the best) have been sacrificed, destroyed, obliterated, while deep in prayer to the almighty. The best have been set alight, dying in the fires of a society gone bad. The worst are hanging out at the coffee shop in Belltown, Seattle, having a great old time (for now).

The WORST who are the public figures of disdain? – I wonder if they’re real. I’m not saying there are no elite “running things”, I just find it unlikely people like us will ever fucking know who they are and it seems God is protecting them doubly so. God is away on business.

The only prayer I have left is really a curse – and only Jews get to curse, amirite?

I pray that a great storm washes away this crooked world.

I pray that a great storm destroys the abusers and the users and the grifters.

I pray a great storm re-balances existence, allowing new things to GROW AGAIN.

When this storm is done, perhaps many people I used to care about will be destroyed, I might be destroyed too, but that does not trouble me. After watching a couple people I loved die of cancer (they were “breast cancer survivors”), stage 4, brutal, painful, dark, I no longer see the world the same way. In the last 14 years I’ve gone down many strange paths to find a way out of this HELL – but there is no way out.