“I might be a time traveler, and doomed to drift through the oceans of causality.” – Dr. Freckles
Lists …
I’m going to tell you a story about lists. We think lists are good, and this is true like a fork or a shotgun. Good, useful, dangerous, painful.
I’m going to tell you about lists of friends, and some of them are friends, and some of them are not.
I’m going to say, we keep LISTS of grievances.
I have a running list in my head, and I call it NED, and it’s a demon that lives in the woods.
We keep track of petty shit, mostly because we’re afraid.
We keep track of things we don’t like about someone else, mostly because we don’t want to talk, even if it means breaking up.
Our tiny lists,
like pythons,
strangle us.
Lists of “good” and “bad” people, based upon some arcane criteria of hate or disgust.
Lists of “non-human” and therefore disposable people, a list of 3 doctors in Canada gets you the cruise to Valhalla.
I suffer from depression, periodically, and it helps me to keep a list of things that make me happy – if the list gets to one or two, then it’s time to “phone a friend”, so to speak.
There’s the Burger King stage, where if you’re really depressed, but someone asks you “want some Burger King”, you say yes: because you’re still out of the worst parts of depression.
So I keep a list that keeps me alive, and happy, and grateful – as much as an old curmudgeon can be, in 2023 Boblimptock.
So some lists good, some lists bad – be wise, like Solomon.
Of Hobbits in Outer Space …
“I watch official NASA films or photos or space movies from Hollywood or space documentaries in the same equal spirit of some Hobbit movie.” – Dr. Freckles
All horror films …
“All horror films are secretly about getting women pregnant.” – Dr. Freckles
Mental health tip …
“Mental health tip: don’t take mental health advice from random mother fuckers on social media.” – Dr. Freckles
WW3 …
“WW3 will make WW2 seem like WW1.” – Dr. Freckles
Daylight Savings Time
Nothing is being saved.
They fuck with your clock and create pain.
You think you get an “hour back” – but this is a lie too.
Because of DST? – 4 million squirrels go hungry.
The next time some woman tells me “I have a yeast infection”, I’ll say:
“Hold my beer”
(because I need to get my sample kit)
blame daylight savings time
The company motto for BOOVULA BREWERY?
“Send us your yeast infection, we’ll send you some beer.”
damn this daylight savings time
I need to start collecting hooker greases for my new company.
Daylight savings man …
“Jack Frost roasting on an open fire,
chestnuts biting off my toes.”
(some real Christmas spirit bullshit)
Because of Daylight Savings Time …
I’m behind on podcasts, but I have some kick ass notes. And maybe I wake up in the morning, early, and eat scribbles, and ungudgoolate myself, while de-groomulating my splinctus.
I am your muskrat hunter, my love.
Hoi polloi …
“Hoi polloi is ancient Greek for garbage people.” – Dr. Freckles
Pick Up Lines …
“Baby, wanna sample my cheese whiz?”
“Oh, Colby Jack …”
“I really love your tits and ass …”
“Oh My Colby … stop”
I’m going to go to a bar, next Friday, and walk up to some woman and say “baby, wanna sample my steak sauce?”
And she’ll say “sure”, and we’ll make love in the bathroom at the CHEVRON.
Colby Jack?
He’s got a 9 inch cock and knows how to use hit …
He massages a woman’s happy-zone so she squeeze out some squish-juice and your pushing it up inside, eh, Colby …
And after? – he buys her boob oils.
When I find my woman on the bed?
All greasy and ready and pouting with her tucked lower lips?
And her valley is on fire?
I press my minktus-pipe up to her, and whisper c# API commands into her ear, and then she turns on … literally … because I bought her, a sex doll, from a Korean dude.
Pickup Line:
“Hey baby … wanna give me a hand job in your car so I can blow my load … I don’t have a car … nice tooth, btw.”
Pickup line:
“a woman’s flower is a petal mystery”
I say this to you and your legs split open and your arms grow limp, as I slam my pork sword into your egg-hole. And we fall in love and get married at Shakey’s …
MR CRAB APPLE
Mr. Crab apple lives in the woods, never up to anything good. He streaks at night, in the glimmer of the Moon, and nigh too soon the sun rises to mock his banditry.
Playing pretend …
“Everyone gets to play pretend, when the show is at its end.” – Dr. Freckles
Noodle, noodle, yankee doodle …
I was at the WALMART, and this dude, in some sort of hypno state, was muttering:
“noodle, noodle,
yankee doodle,
drop that bomb,
on Old Saddam”
It sounded like it, truly he was at ramming speed with his shopping cart and I just got out of his insane way and didn’t take notes.
But folks: it’s getting crazier out there
The dude at WALMART …
He wasn’t angry, he wasn’t sad … he was crazy.
Painting logs black …
“You paint logs black when you ain’t got no real cannon.” – Dr. Freckles
The last one …
“If some advertiser tells me this is the ‘last one I’ll ever need to buy’, they’re either lying or their product sucks and no one buys another.” – Dr. Freckles
MARK MY WORDS!
“The only people who should be allowed to say ‘mark my words’ are villains, in Scooby-Doo episodes.” – Dr. Freckles
Famous Thoreau quote …
This is a reworking of a famous Thoreau quote:
“You keep voting, I’ll keep drinking – let’s see who stays sober the longest.” – Dr. Freckles
Thoreau: “I was not born to be forced. I will breathe after my own fashion. Let us see who is the strongest.”
A great song …
“A great song is one you feel as if you heard it before, even if it is really the first time. Because it tells the story of life.” – Dr. Freckles
I need a woman …
A woman of iron and brass …
A woman of knives and glass …
A woman made of tissue and chess …
She might be named Bess.
Not some lukewarm velveteen,
but a woman that shakes her fist at God, with passion.
She’s okay with pizza, but doesn’t want you to hear her fart.
She walks with pride,
a sexy stride,
and if she lies about her former lovers? – she does so to protect your pride.
I need a woman that can outshoot me,
and out love me.
Her body is shaped like some beautiful ocean,
islands and eddies …
Shoreline from the mountains of her busty-ness,
to the hidden valley ranch.
I want the cave-girl vibes,
with a job that pays …
I want to take care of her,
but she doesn’t need it.
She’ll build a cabin, just for us …
We’ll grow crops and harvest the beast …
Our love will run deep.
She won’t sell her juice for yeast.
SHE will be demure,
but with fists to match her passion.
She will be dignified,
with a .357 for any man that tries to TAKE from her.
She will be smart, but not a showoff …
And when she sees pain, she’ll be the healer.
I need a woman who knows the Lord in Heaven rules,
but she’s not afraid to be my whimsical lover.
I want a woman who is NOT afraid to be slutty,
in private,
when the doors are closed.
I need a woman who is NOT afraid to be fierce,
in public, in the wilderness,
where the monster lurk.
I need a woman who will wear jeans and boots,
and stand watch on the tower,
and wear a flower,
for love.
Charlie …
“I’m not alpha or beta, that’s some bullshit. I’m charlie.” – Dr. Freckles
(your woman may “love” you … but I’m the dude coming through the side door, dropping a load in her skleevous …)
Truth or Whiskey …
“You can have truth or whiskey or both.” – Dr. Freckles