PLANETARY STATUS REPORT!

I knew a girl from SPLUNCTON, she had blonde hair and brown teeth and eyes covered in risket-toads. She’d been living rough down by the wharf with “Fat Charlie” and his dorbo-thugs, selling skud-maggots to the witches in QUADRANT-8.

This girl I knew had a brother who worked at the old mill, the factory, that place where they used to make little kids pull the levers on the meat slurry oven, and some of those damned kids would just fall into the vats and were cooked and eaten by BLM/ANTIFA who were working for George Soros at a club called the Limited Hangout … And you can’t buy pesto monkey pizza from Jill any longer, and there ain’t no hope for the snake orphans looking for homes but finding only the disdain of a not so gentle master …

The brother? – he had a friend named Todd.

Todd sold getty-wax to old style farmer priests who would come on in, from the ongoing WOOKIE WARS, and satisfy their cravings for G-SQUIRREL night toxin and holy smoke 88.

Todd wandered the parks and streets, looking for some hooker gal to massage his junk and make him feel special.

Todd found a wench named Tanya, and she had black hair and scuzzy eyes and needle marks up and down her thighs …

Tanya tugged on your juice pipe and would sell spasm jelly to the frothy FUNK fellows of Boy’s Town, those who would come in from the snow-parade and dry off from sweaty steel showers and Turkish style bathtub nightmares …

Those Turkish clubs were something …

There was this club called TACOS not far from where the general lost his wad, and the ape-pudding dudes were strung up like last night’s penguin. Sure, you could go into one of those STEAMERS and take a nap and lap it up with TORG the Macedonian who has eyes of blue and a large trunk …

In one of those STEAM BATHS there was a meeting of the SIGDON COALITION, they’d been working on a plasma ray gun designed to melt the faces off the poncy bunch from UP TOWN where the water don’t got no fluoride and their ain’t no disease in the soup and you don’t wake up with scable-rashes on your junk from where the gamma-flies laid eggs …

Head of the SIGDON COALITION was Nestra Star-Groover, a busty maiden who’d seen too much of this greasy world and went to the dark side of the tracks EARLIER than most …

Nestra wore a two piece bikini made of kevlar and diamonds.

Nestra drove a HARLEY called RESET that drove around all day, putting people in pods, making scabs eat cricket flour pasta, and shouting shit about “owning nothing” and 15 minute hooker cities …

Nestra had a 12 gauge shotgun called “Blessings”, and she kept that baby ready to go, at any time, as if life were the STUFF of LIFE!

Nestra kept an old mage called RESTYK.

Restyk was chief of fire magic, and saw about the bringing forth of the expected thing that might arise one day when stuff happened you know … the day after tomorrow.

Restyk was ordered to hunt for the 7 kedmer-squires of REGION-22WHISKEY, he felt the ancient burning that could not be assuaged by a rim job or some cheap whiskey fucking …

Restyk spent years upon MOUNT CRAP HEAD … looking for the wisdom of TARL … but only finding that ancient alienated sadness that creeps into the bones and relieves one of their cupidity and harshness …

Restyk would exclaim to his neighbors: “I could counsel some FUCKER to avoid SPLUNCTON, because of the meat jergis and the clan shrieking and the domed fear games … but no one will listen … not one motherfucker cares … and that’s a damn shame”

There were many in Spluncton angered by what Restyk said …

Zosh, the FERG-GERDER, spent his days wiping the assess of FRENCH BULLDOGS …

As all FERG-GERDERs before him, he spent his days hustling near MERCER ISLAND and HILL TOP and not too far from DORY STREET where those teachers were massacred last Christmas …

AS CHIEF FERG-GERDER, Zosh was meant to hunt down the profane and heretical teachers, and none was worse than Restyk …

But even Restyk, with his WERNER HERZOG pose, and his 3 GLOCK-19s, and his powerful fury … even that guy was nothing to be compared with RORY CUTLASS, the KING of TOWN CARS …

Rory Cutlass sold town cars to the mistress maidens near grid-008.

Rory had a lot of fancy friends that spent their days doing coke and fucking sex-yorgs.

After many years, Rory was confronted by a space goddess named TYR.

Tyr was the cosmic power-wench, streaking across the universe at 900 times the speed of love …

Tyr had a space battleship made of cubic zirconia and plutonium cake magnets.

Tyr was moving her primary fleet to Venus orbit, when the commander of all skaag-ships, GENERAL HANK, contacted Tyr and asked if she was willing to combine forces in order to destroy the DEATH ROBOTS from the FORBIDDEN ZONE within the FORBIDDEN ZONE …

General Hank had just finished patrolling the edge of the solar system in a STAR CUTTER called the Maistra …

The Maistra cruised the outer solar system, at 1/100th the speed of light …

That fine vessel had twin pulsed-ion-plasma drives, with anti-matter injection and cold stone creamery …

The Maistra held steady her course, through the black edge … she coasted out there like a dark lady, looking for a fine man and a cheap hotel …

And all memories of Spluncton are behind us now …

(and we can sleep)