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BOBLIMPTOCK: TOWARDS a new LURCHING (introduction)

MP3: https://planetarystatusreport.com/mp3/20241019_BOBLIMPTOCK_TOWARDS_A_NEW_LURCHING_INTRODUCTION.mp3

Donate: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/doctorfreckles

Introduction:

Hello buddy …

I see you out there, sitting in your underwear, eating chili from a can.

It’s been a long time bro, and many of the gumpton-folk are asking me: “Dan, when the FUCK are you going to publish YOUR MANIFESTO?” Cuz everyone is doing it, it will be bigger than BLOGS by the time this wave hits. For each soul and self, from the mind of fecal swamp spirit healing and circling back to the END of bygone turnip warriors, we will LURCH. We will brag and hag. We will write up a SPEC and send our inner sect the project plan for SCRUM STYLE Rambo-teams. YOUR VOICE WILL BE HEARD, when the great WAVE of manifestos crests, and you lurch and lurch onward, toward the cave … with the light at the end, coming at us fast.

We won’t walk or talk or jog or run …

We’re not here to have fun hun. We’re here to bring the FORCE of ancient juices and other forms of oceanic protein to the kind and gentle folk of sectors 34 and 89.7 on the FM dial. We will lurch and perch, our cider tomboys will sell canister chowder to the customers at Denny’s. Our MEME MASTERS will fashion darker visions, dwelling in the folds of your fatty pilot, sitting in your dingy bone-cave, called YOUR head. Now go to bed, and rest on that.

How many chapters will my manifesto have? – AS MANY AS I FUCKING WANT.

How many followers will I have? – billions … 50 of which will be human.

How many more nights of waking up with chills and spills of near emptied vodka bottles breaking on the floor … my whore girlfriend Tessie, getting messy in the shower because she just got done watching LAW and ORDER?

We lurch because it is a known thing, we lurch and glare because our enemies are hidden from us until they see weakness and pain and the gentle falling of old spirit branches.

Our lurching annoys our masters, so this is a bonus too …

We will lurch to our seats on the BUS, downtown – catching one of the shitty cans to REDMOND to crank out AZURE SCRIPT and rip a bong gong song as the clarinet playing TEAM SCOUT has a bout of gout and spits out that “great idea” about using “Python instead of Power Shell” … and now your help is complete, and this is why you glare and lurch too.

GREAT TIDINGS BESPOKE THIS ERA!

It will signal the coming of a new arrival of beginnings …

Your guide master has been born.

Your willing noggle-mind is ungloved.

In time the LAST of the MOGAMBO FREAKS will REIGN in a REALM of dusky street-sloths and slutty bar maidens. Our SCOB-GARDENS will feed the untapped populous, as the masses of scuzz-urchins devour protein souffle and the discarded roadkill left for us by the ancient demon gods. There will be NO REDEMPTION for the SPACE CADETS and other liars and purveyors of MOON PIE MADNESS!

Your bile duct fantasies are UNSCREWED and TAPPED, making a way for those tired old grandpas living in Fresno.

WE ARE THE SCRUMBO! Living in economic limbo under the overpass near ROUTE 71. We muddle and fuddle and griddle our road apple FEAST and on BUNKTON DAY we celebrate the mite and barley worm stew.

UPON BUNKTON DAY, OUR DAY OF TOTALISTIC REVENGE AND LIBERATION, a day that hasn’t happened yet … but February is boring, so maybe it will happen in February? Listen up, on that special day we will WAKE to a BEAR MUFFIN scent breakfast, and greet each other with smiles and piles of empty whiskey bottles … and say these words to each other, that BUNKTON DAY morning: “Good morning, fuck you, I love you!”

These are the conceived of chapters as of this wake’y bake’y morning …

  1. BOBLIMPTOCK and the BOY’S LIFE HOVERCRAFT
  2. FUCKING with PEOPLE: a primer on military psychological warfare, how to pickup girls at bars, hypnotism and MIND CONTROL (you are lonely)
  3. SOVIETOLOGY: seeing THROUGH the TRAUMA MONKEYS
  4. WHITE TRASH and HYPER RACISM: the PAUL HARVEY EFFECT
  5. Transcend the SCRUMBO mentality: WHAT IS A GRINKEN MAN? or WOAH-MAN? SCRUM style RAMBO is SCRUMBO!
  6. SEXUAL STYLE LOVE SCIENCE and managing lust dragons: ungunjoolating YOUR WOAH-MAN so SHE can reach PEAK SEXUAL MOVIE BUTTER PRODUCTION LEVELS
  7. The Battle of Bunkton Day: of BANKERS and ANGLER FISH AND women will be seeking/leaking after my precious FLAME POTION and will dry it out and snort it on Bunkton Day … some time in February … when the good guys win
  8. Directing Mind Fire and other TOTALISTIC superpowers: EZ payment plan
  9. HOOKTOGGENFOOK: the new KUNG FU
  10. DANARCHY/DANARCHISM: We’re NOT SCIENTOLOGY, we’re a GROOVEMENT (the FIVE TRILLION YEAR HOA and the JOHN LURCH SOCIETY, fuck you pay me)
  11. GREYHOUND: A pilgrimage to Grinken Town, rock hard and cock sure PAIN GARDENS and FUCK PTSD …
  12. BUILDING the GLIDE PLANE: what color is your COMPOUND?
  13. SOUL GLUE and Spiritual Gold: SEA-FLOW, ENERGY DRINKS, how YOU gonna PAY ME? (turn YOU into Nutella? – no tella)
  14. COMMS and TECH and GAMER GALS
  15. CANDLE BLASTERS and our CROOKED MASTERS
  16. Economics: DESTRUCTO FORCE, Reverso-Bastiat and MOON BONDS
  17. YOUR MOUNTAIN of GOLD: what does it mean to be wealthy?
  18. UNIFORMS: Robot Hugo Boss and our dilemma …
  19. The DANISH PROBLEM … (Kris Kringle and Hamlet)
  20. BOBLIMPTOCKTEERS or BOBLIMPNAUTS, fuck, SPACE and BOBLIMPTOCKONAUTS: that NASA Pioneer probe placard …
  21. Prolegomena to all future LURCHING: how to survive?

And maybe we’ll have some other chapters and some other subjects, so don’t be too focused on this pedantic nonsense … or as my old pimp friend would say: don’t pole vault over gnat shit.

It’s gonna be between 15,000 and 25,000 words – all dependent upon how lazy or drunk or distracted I get. I could also get bored. I read Mein Kampf once … I read the Communist Manifesto … I read Kaczynski and so many others over the years … fucking Ayn Rand … fuck … and they are all boring. If I get boring or BORED or BOTH, I will abandon this manifesto and move on to my dream of becoming a geriatric porn star (it’s a growing concern). It must be in the spirit of Bukowski and Channon’s FIRST EARTH BATTALION MANUAL.

The SKY CHARMERS will fear us. They spread the rancid thought-wax of a waning empire. Their mind spiders connect to the ALL BOX and out of that box comes RANDY COCKS, British 70’s porn star. They will harass us, they will bite at our heels, but we will persevere. We are the GROUND CLIMBERS, our mountains are made of pain.

The health insurance companies will DREAD US, as our helpful hints about self-surgery and vodka and 5 pound test fishing line, modeling knives and super glue, mirrors and other devices for doing those necessary self-care chores that keep the body safely from the grave.

The POPE will send his armies, so will Oprah and various Asian gangs … but our movement will be unafraid before that hairy assemblage.

We know the “Southern Poverty Law Center” is ironically named, and this will lead to MORE ATTACKS and MORE ARTICLES published on Zero Hedge … because no one else will touch us, and Zero Hedge thrives on being number 2.

It is OUR JOB to clean up the cities. Don’t show no pity as you roll your HEEMEYER style command vehicle to the town square. YOU ARE THE MAYOR of your OWN JOURNEY SELF. You own the sky-pilot drooling and your cooling brain will gain the DAY, as you slay the various socialites living HIGH on the HOG at Borlaug’s chemical bakery and food fakery.

SO STAND IN THAT SANDBOX BATHROOM, BEFORE THE LOOKING GLASS …

SPEAK THESE WORDS WITH FIERY GLEE, and if you are drunk it might help …

Ahem …

“WE ARE THE LAST OF THE HUMANS, WE CARRY THE CANDLE OF FROLICKING FEAR. WE WILL GET OUR ASSES INTO GEAR TO STAND FAST AND LAST THE WAY OUR BUBBLY WOMAN LIKES. OUR HIKES WILL BE FURIOUSLY HARD AS WE SCALE THE SHIT MOUNTAINS OF FLORIDA. OUR BREATH WILL BE LIKE STALE BEER AND CIGARETTE ASHTRAYS, STARING OUT FROM THE ABYSS. NO ONE WILL STOP US, NO WAY. WE WILL BE THE VICTORY BRINGERS AND BUSTY AND SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN WILL BRING US FRUIT. ALL HAIL THE NEW HUMAN. GOOD MORNING. FUCK YOU. I LOVE YOU.”

So it begins …

Chapter 1: BOY’S LIFE HOVERCRAFT – https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=13827

Chapter 2: PSYCHOLOGICAL WARFARE – https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=13874

Chapter 3: SOVIETOLOGY – https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=13977

Chapter 4: PAUL HARVEY EFFECT – https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=14020

Chapter 5: GENDER ROLES – https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=14119

Chapter 6: SEX – https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=14165

Chapter 7: THE BATTLE of BUNKTON – https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=14273

Chapter 8: MIND FIRE, SUPER POWERS, EZ Payment Plans – https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=14418

Chapter 9: A NEW KUNG FU (HOOKTOGGENFOOK) – https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=14470

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DARK AGES

“Dark Ages are defined in terms of the LOSS of the predominant form of communication and record keeping, so the next DARK AGE will probably be about the WWW and computerization.” – Dr. Freckles

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I want to be deported (new version of this RAMONES classic)

20, 20, 24 hours to go
I wanna be deported
Nothin' to do, nowhere to go-oh
I wanna be deported

Just get me to the airport, put me on a plane
Hurry, hurry, hurry before I go insane
I can't control my future, there's poison in the rain
Oh, no, oh-oh, oh-oh

20, 20, 24 hours to go
I wanna be deported
Nothin' to do, nowhere to go-oh
I wanna be deported

Just put me in a wheelchair, get me on a plane
Hurry, hurry, hurry before I go insane
I can't speak my mind, they got me in chains
Oh, no, oh-oh, oh-oh

20, 20, 24 hours to go
I wanna be deported
Nothin' to do, nowhere to go-oh
I wanna be deported

Just put me in a tunnel, get me to the WALL
Hurry, hurry, hurry, before I start a brawl
I can't control my body, the MAN has taken all my haul
Oh, no, oh-oh, oh-oh

20, 20, 24 hours to go
I wanna be deported
Nothin' to do, nowhere to go-oh
I wanna be deported

Just put me in a wheelchair, get me to the ship
Hurry, hurry, hurry, before I bust your lip
They won't control my life, there's a hot tip
Oh, no, oh-oh, oh-oh

Bam, bam, ba-bam, ba-bam, bam, ba-bam
I wanna be deported

Bam, bam, ba-bam, ba-bam, bam, ba-bam
I wanna be deported

Bam, bam, ba-bam, ba-bam, bam, ba-bam
I wanna be deported

Bam, bam, ba-bam, ba-bam, bam, ba-bam
I wanna be deported
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BTANL: Chapter 8 – Mind Fire, Super Powers, EZ PAYMENT PLANS

The SCLOVIS lived long ago, and shared their SPIDER STYLE reasoning with the scorpion and the owl. As time turned to yellow haze, the FRED MAZE types left California and moved to Toledo and Denmark. This diaspora of pretty things, covered in LA bling, was the result of the great GUMPTON PLAGUE of 4456 BC. OH HOW MANY SCREAMED as the cream-pie getaways turned to open-ended love-canos.

THE EARTH WAS COVERED in love-canos once. Geologic features that pressed hard against the wooden spirit of that ancient world. Love-canos shot JETS of PURE WHITE LOVE, like a fountain of cream, like an uncorked champagne bottle stretching to the stars. These love-canos went away, as the STROGLIN-VILLAGERS climbed out of the hole, smoked a bowl, and began constructing cities and other types of sewers. But we remember, we keep the barges nearby and prepare for the day of LOADING.

IN THE TIME BEFORE TIME – KLESMER forces forged the SOUL MAGIC using rune stones and sacred mushrooms and old hag pizza. After the reluctant nuns converted to hollandaise sauce hookers, vibrant dance rituals were used to summon LORD GUSTO of the THIRD BALTIC STUD ARMY. Invariably, these disgraceful types sullied the ranks and left dishonor and calumny in their wake. And so began a great age of darkness – till now.

IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR, then of course you’re ready buddy – do you have 50 bucks?

An old truck?

A sucker in a box or a fox?

Can you get a HELOC done son, and send me the money – we’ll meet at midnight along highway 101.

Not far from BIG SUR, our organization has a spiritual training center. At this place of refuge the MENTALLY CAPABLE can learn new tricks from MASTER BIX.

You will spend several months or years there, or until you run out of money. But don’t think this is funny, because many authorized “churches” do this, check out the 501C3 registry my mendicant and DESTROY your fear goblin with relevant facts and a BEACH BODY exercise plan.

Our core program has 9 core skills to be attained:

1 – MIND FIRE

Mind fire training begins with walking on coals – but not just any coals. Hot, burning, fueled by forges, glowing red stones and chunks of glowing steel. Your feet will heal eventually in our private clinic, and then you’ll try again. You have the DISCIPLINE of mind-fire when you can shove a glowing red hot carpenters nail through your foot. You have attained SCARLET MASTERY when you can insert a glowing coal into your own rectum.

YOUR MIND FIRE is the sable guard tulip that steps OUT of the shadows, it’s the burning STRENGTH that keeps you going. To attain mind-fire means to hold counsel with ravens and to get drunk and dance naked at 2 AM. CLAM SWALLOWS will watch over you, and your life will spark an avalanche of misery and scorn. YOU ARE BORN the moment you DISCONNECT from your family and friends … unless you need money, and then invite them to “family day” at the Big Sur Compound.

Typically, this process takes 1-2 months, but some have gotten their faster. Our MONKEY BLASTER sweetheart deals are a steal, and you can have this all for $49,999.99 …

2 – DRAGON’S BREATH (halitosis)

This might be the most powerful super power you will learn, and learn to hate. It’s great, because OLD SUZY SQUAT FACE is stalking you and with this new skill ONE BREATH will turn her AWAY. You will BREEZE through your day, with your boss leaving you alone, and on the phone you’ll carve out your cube-steak and make merry before the demon mistresses. There is NO TIME LEFT for frolicking, and the smell of that dread putrescence will cast CHARMED CURSES upon CODE PINK witches and the curly-bat SPLC drog-faeries.

This process takes weeks, and requires a specialized diet and CHUNKING of food. You have to consume herring dust and muskrat-jerky. You will smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and trip your physiology into GERD where the true capabilities lay.

YOU WILL MAKE YOUR MOUTH a colony to parasites and bacteria and mold. During those COLD MONTHS when the ordinary street tramps are looking for a “happy night Charlie”, your protective spell will raise hell and the prancing biscuit-wenches of the upper eastside will want to take a ride, but your ski lift is closed for repairs.

The price of this POWER is between $10,000 and $30,000. But believe me, it’s worth every penny.

3 – TIME JUMPING

Have you ever wanted to go back in time and KILL HITLER?

Have you ever wanted to BE HITLER, in that figurative sense?

Do you have pent up rage or disappointment about events in your life that you can’t let go of?

At our institute, we teach a variety of skills and techniques for harnessing CHRONOS and making time itself your own personal spittoon, adorned with GOLDEN festoons and garnishes of potato.

KARL DORNING, son of a famous NAZI “paperclip” scientist, attended our 8 weekend lab. At first he was skeptical, then, after a few weekends, he began drifting backwards in time. Soon he could HOP TO ROMAN TIMES and fight bears in the Colosseum. He rode with bandits and sailed the oceans, Karl mad a name for himself fighting the commies on the Eastern Front.

Might you achieve the skills of Karl? – perhaps …

But only after you’ve exhausted your saving and been driven raving mad.

Don’t be sad, it’s all on sale for $4,000 a weekend.

4 – BARSTOOL ESP

We’ve discussed the WOAH-MAN and her importance to our cause, but have you considered how difficult it is to date these days? – dating sucks beyond imagination, especially if you’re divorced and over 40 years old.

But with BESP or Barstool ESP you will be able to CUT THROUGH THE BULLSHIT and plant thoughts in some random woman’s head. You can take her to bed, breeding and seeding, and nine months later a bunctous baby is born in your shed. It’s not super easy, but not impossible.

You will LEARN how to properly GAZE at women, how to stare and GET NOTICED. We will teach you the 4 magic handshakes and the easiest way to slip drugs into her drink. You might think this is crooked, but BOOK YOURSELF A FLIGHT and stay the night. Learn from us and stop going home alone. Your JOAN of ARC is waiting, somewhere, down the street, at a local bar and grill – if you can take this pill.

Prices are insubstantial when it comes to true love, so BE A BRAVE DADDY and take this course for a spin. It’s just 2 weeks, with a break, and we’ll even throw in a steak.

All for a surprising $25,000.00 – what a deal bro!

5 – FREEZE RAY

Everyone dreams of freezing the world.

On some hot summer day in South Texas, with the Mexican landlords handing out coffee-shake, you want to stop the baking but there’s no way out – don’t pout.

At our Big Sur Institute, we’ll teach you how to slow down molecules, and force electrons to release quanta of energy. ON YOUR FIRST DAY you will learn how to cool your coffee drink by 10 degrees in under 3 minutes, amazing.

There are great dangers in this power, and it is not for the faint of heart. Camel riders from Africa have understood the treachery of ice-demons and the curious fate of squirrel-nugget hoarders when the borders of your subconscious become engorged by the MIST TRIALS of Lord THULE. At the peak levels of capability, you will be able to force clouds to snow and cause women’s nipples to become erect.

Don’t deflect young man, your CAN of JOY awaits on your first date if you have the ability to project freeze rays.

One weekend a month, for 7 years: $2.3 million dollars (a bargain).

6 – TITANIUM FISTS

Do you get belligerent when you get drunk?

Do you start a lot of fights?

Are you a weakling who is bullied and have reached your breaking point?

OUR 8 day SUPER PACKAGE, costing only $77,999.88, will have you WINNING – even against professional boxers and UFC dudes.

With this skill you can KILL with your hands. The sands of ages watch over you, as you PUNCH YOUR WAY to victory. Your hands will GLOW RED HOT, and the smell of long-pig slashing will cover your leather jacket. This is NO RACKET to be imbued with this THRILL POWER and body rot.

We may have to inject you with a new form of herpes, and you might get cancer …

BUT THAT’S CHEAP if it keeps the mean guys away, okay?

So send us the payments, in gold and silver and diamonds and cocaine.

7 – LASER BEAM EYES

Yada-yada-yada, you will be able to MELT CHEESE with your eyes.

$2,200 a day for 10 days.

8 – WALKING THROUGH WALLS

IDGAF, just fucking pay me ….

9 – REMOTE VIEWING PEOPLE ON THE TOILET

It’s cool, sometimes they are having sex – most often they are talking on their phones at work. FUCK YOU PAY ME.

EPILOGUE:

YOUR FEAR MONSTER is why YOU are trapped. Like the OLD SKOKI MILLS where the immigrants were killed to add carbon to the steel? – you will be ground up into BEING-MEAL and toaster oven chieftains will each get a bite.

Tell me you don’t have money? – steal it.

Tell me you don’t have time? – fuck off.

Tell me you think this is a SHAM? – really fuck off.

G.M.F.Y.I.L.Y.