The SCLOVIS lived long ago, and shared their SPIDER STYLE reasoning with the scorpion and the owl. As time turned to yellow haze, the FRED MAZE types left California and moved to Toledo and Denmark. This diaspora of pretty things, covered in LA bling, was the result of the great GUMPTON PLAGUE of 4456 BC. OH HOW MANY SCREAMED as the cream-pie getaways turned to open-ended love-canos.
THE EARTH WAS COVERED in love-canos once. Geologic features that pressed hard against the wooden spirit of that ancient world. Love-canos shot JETS of PURE WHITE LOVE, like a fountain of cream, like an uncorked champagne bottle stretching to the stars. These love-canos went away, as the STROGLIN-VILLAGERS climbed out of the hole, smoked a bowl, and began constructing cities and other types of sewers. But we remember, we keep the barges nearby and prepare for the day of LOADING.
IN THE TIME BEFORE TIME – KLESMER forces forged the SOUL MAGIC using rune stones and sacred mushrooms and old hag pizza. After the reluctant nuns converted to hollandaise sauce hookers, vibrant dance rituals were used to summon LORD GUSTO of the THIRD BALTIC STUD ARMY. Invariably, these disgraceful types sullied the ranks and left dishonor and calumny in their wake. And so began a great age of darkness – till now.
IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR, then of course you’re ready buddy – do you have 50 bucks?
An old truck?
A sucker in a box or a fox?
Can you get a HELOC done son, and send me the money – we’ll meet at midnight along highway 101.
Not far from BIG SUR, our organization has a spiritual training center. At this place of refuge the MENTALLY CAPABLE can learn new tricks from MASTER BIX.
You will spend several months or years there, or until you run out of money. But don’t think this is funny, because many authorized “churches” do this, check out the 501C3 registry my mendicant and DESTROY your fear goblin with relevant facts and a BEACH BODY exercise plan.
Our core program has 9 core skills to be attained:
1 – MIND FIRE
Mind fire training begins with walking on coals – but not just any coals. Hot, burning, fueled by forges, glowing red stones and chunks of glowing steel. Your feet will heal eventually in our private clinic, and then you’ll try again. You have the DISCIPLINE of mind-fire when you can shove a glowing red hot carpenters nail through your foot. You have attained SCARLET MASTERY when you can insert a glowing coal into your own rectum.
YOUR MIND FIRE is the sable guard tulip that steps OUT of the shadows, it’s the burning STRENGTH that keeps you going. To attain mind-fire means to hold counsel with ravens and to get drunk and dance naked at 2 AM. CLAM SWALLOWS will watch over you, and your life will spark an avalanche of misery and scorn. YOU ARE BORN the moment you DISCONNECT from your family and friends … unless you need money, and then invite them to “family day” at the Big Sur Compound.
Typically, this process takes 1-2 months, but some have gotten their faster. Our MONKEY BLASTER sweetheart deals are a steal, and you can have this all for $49,999.99 …
2 – DRAGON’S BREATH (halitosis)
This might be the most powerful super power you will learn, and learn to hate. It’s great, because OLD SUZY SQUAT FACE is stalking you and with this new skill ONE BREATH will turn her AWAY. You will BREEZE through your day, with your boss leaving you alone, and on the phone you’ll carve out your cube-steak and make merry before the demon mistresses. There is NO TIME LEFT for frolicking, and the smell of that dread putrescence will cast CHARMED CURSES upon CODE PINK witches and the curly-bat SPLC drog-faeries.
This process takes weeks, and requires a specialized diet and CHUNKING of food. You have to consume herring dust and muskrat-jerky. You will smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and trip your physiology into GERD where the true capabilities lay.
YOU WILL MAKE YOUR MOUTH a colony to parasites and bacteria and mold. During those COLD MONTHS when the ordinary street tramps are looking for a “happy night Charlie”, your protective spell will raise hell and the prancing biscuit-wenches of the upper eastside will want to take a ride, but your ski lift is closed for repairs.
The price of this POWER is between $10,000 and $30,000. But believe me, it’s worth every penny.
3 – TIME JUMPING
Have you ever wanted to go back in time and KILL HITLER?
Have you ever wanted to BE HITLER, in that figurative sense?
Do you have pent up rage or disappointment about events in your life that you can’t let go of?
At our institute, we teach a variety of skills and techniques for harnessing CHRONOS and making time itself your own personal spittoon, adorned with GOLDEN festoons and garnishes of potato.
KARL DORNING, son of a famous NAZI “paperclip” scientist, attended our 8 weekend lab. At first he was skeptical, then, after a few weekends, he began drifting backwards in time. Soon he could HOP TO ROMAN TIMES and fight bears in the Colosseum. He rode with bandits and sailed the oceans, Karl mad a name for himself fighting the commies on the Eastern Front.
Might you achieve the skills of Karl? – perhaps …
But only after you’ve exhausted your saving and been driven raving mad.
Don’t be sad, it’s all on sale for $4,000 a weekend.
4 – BARSTOOL ESP
We’ve discussed the WOAH-MAN and her importance to our cause, but have you considered how difficult it is to date these days? – dating sucks beyond imagination, especially if you’re divorced and over 40 years old.
But with BESP or Barstool ESP you will be able to CUT THROUGH THE BULLSHIT and plant thoughts in some random woman’s head. You can take her to bed, breeding and seeding, and nine months later a bunctous baby is born in your shed. It’s not super easy, but not impossible.
You will LEARN how to properly GAZE at women, how to stare and GET NOTICED. We will teach you the 4 magic handshakes and the easiest way to slip drugs into her drink. You might think this is crooked, but BOOK YOURSELF A FLIGHT and stay the night. Learn from us and stop going home alone. Your JOAN of ARC is waiting, somewhere, down the street, at a local bar and grill – if you can take this pill.
Prices are insubstantial when it comes to true love, so BE A BRAVE DADDY and take this course for a spin. It’s just 2 weeks, with a break, and we’ll even throw in a steak.
All for a surprising $25,000.00 – what a deal bro!
5 – FREEZE RAY
Everyone dreams of freezing the world.
On some hot summer day in South Texas, with the Mexican landlords handing out coffee-shake, you want to stop the baking but there’s no way out – don’t pout.
At our Big Sur Institute, we’ll teach you how to slow down molecules, and force electrons to release quanta of energy. ON YOUR FIRST DAY you will learn how to cool your coffee drink by 10 degrees in under 3 minutes, amazing.
There are great dangers in this power, and it is not for the faint of heart. Camel riders from Africa have understood the treachery of ice-demons and the curious fate of squirrel-nugget hoarders when the borders of your subconscious become engorged by the MIST TRIALS of Lord THULE. At the peak levels of capability, you will be able to force clouds to snow and cause women’s nipples to become erect.
Don’t deflect young man, your CAN of JOY awaits on your first date if you have the ability to project freeze rays.
One weekend a month, for 7 years: $2.3 million dollars (a bargain).
6 – TITANIUM FISTS
Do you get belligerent when you get drunk?
Do you start a lot of fights?
Are you a weakling who is bullied and have reached your breaking point?
OUR 8 day SUPER PACKAGE, costing only $77,999.88, will have you WINNING – even against professional boxers and UFC dudes.
With this skill you can KILL with your hands. The sands of ages watch over you, as you PUNCH YOUR WAY to victory. Your hands will GLOW RED HOT, and the smell of long-pig slashing will cover your leather jacket. This is NO RACKET to be imbued with this THRILL POWER and body rot.
We may have to inject you with a new form of herpes, and you might get cancer …
BUT THAT’S CHEAP if it keeps the mean guys away, okay?
So send us the payments, in gold and silver and diamonds and cocaine.
7 – LASER BEAM EYES
Yada-yada-yada, you will be able to MELT CHEESE with your eyes.
$2,200 a day for 10 days.
8 – WALKING THROUGH WALLS
IDGAF, just fucking pay me ….
9 – REMOTE VIEWING PEOPLE ON THE TOILET
It’s cool, sometimes they are having sex – most often they are talking on their phones at work. FUCK YOU PAY ME.
EPILOGUE:
YOUR FEAR MONSTER is why YOU are trapped. Like the OLD SKOKI MILLS where the immigrants were killed to add carbon to the steel? – you will be ground up into BEING-MEAL and toaster oven chieftains will each get a bite.
Tell me you don’t have money? – steal it.
Tell me you don’t have time? – fuck off.
Tell me you think this is a SHAM? – really fuck off.
G.M.F.Y.I.L.Y.