“I have a rocket launcher buried in a locker some place, written on the rocket: Asimov’s 3 Laws of Robotics.” – Dr. Freckles
The Lambada …
“Remember when they said the lambada would cure AIDs … I do.” – Dr. Freckles
The Irish …
“Never, ever, piss off the Irish.” – Dr. Freckles
“Leave the Irish alone, unless you want a hangover.” – Dr. Freckles
The Irish are known for driving snakes away …
(just saying)
Fruit salad …
“Fruit salad is the fruit cake of top ramen.” – Dr. Freckles
… always been someplace.
“My life: I’ve always been someplace.” – Dr. Freckles
Cheeto-Sexual
“Cheeto-Sexual is probably a thing, and if it isn’t? – it will be in five minutes.” – Dr. Freckles
VAGINA
“If you accidentally eat semen out of your woman’s vagina that was placed there by another man? – your relationship has problems.” – Dr. Freckles
Definition – “SKANK”: any woman that would let you eat another man’s semen out of her vagina without you knowing it
Worst Yoda ever …
“Can you imagine a 1,000 year old frenchie? – worst Yoda ever.” – Dr. Freckles
Peloton Marketing
“Is Peloton shaming women, fat people or the poors this year?” – Dr. Freckles
Fakery and YouTube
“The more fake it is, the more likely YouTube will host it.” – Dr. Freckles
Game Theory or Behaviorism
“You can approach the world as a game theorist or behaviorist – but not both: both might yield results, one will damage your soul.” – Dr. Freckles
“anti” central bank
“You do realize you’re NOT anti-central bank if you want your nation to use US dollars?” – Dr. Freckles
(also: not a NEW strategy for South America or Argentina)
Storing your urine in jars …
“I’m beginning to think that storing urine in jars was another way Howard Hughes was ahead of his time.” – Dr. Freckles
J6 was an IQ test …
“J6 was an IQ test, if you attended? – you failed.” – Dr. Freckles
Having a military …
“No government could afford a military if they were forced to pay for their mistakes AND keep their promises to those who served.” – Dr. Freckles
When YOUR GUY wins …
“Voting magically WORKS, when it’s YOUR GUY – funny.” – Dr. Freckles
Florida …
“Florida is going to make Beirut look like Aspen.” – Dr. Freckles
We will devolve into what future creatures will call “sofa apes” … they will analyze the grease deposits we left in the polyurethane fluff from farting …
“shitty sofa apes” – is what the dog-race will say.
Worshiping Science
“The actual scientific method is USEFUL … Worshiping science, or its necessarily temporary truths, is crazy.” – Dr. Freckles
Princess Leia’s “you’re my only hope” bullshit …
“Gandalf was a traveling grifter, Princess Leia sent out PHISHING TRAPS and SPAM: which one was worse?” – Dr. Freckles
I’m sure a LOT of old drunk Jedi got Princess Leia’s “you’re my only hope” form letter …
(a lot of them pressed delete immediately)
(press DELETE BILBO – blow that grifter mother fucker away!)
Ginger kids …
Ginger children are the most hated.
All cultures have stories of roasting ginger kids, when they are born – or tossing them out into the woods, to be eaten, or befriended, by wolves … usually eaten.
Ginger bread houses come from the Middle Ages, when the Vatican sanctioned multiple crusades against ginger kids.
They would build a house of dry straw and wood, and put the ginger kids in it … and set it on fire …
They loved doing this around the holidays.
The AZTECS NEVER SACRIFICED VIRGINS …
ARE YOU MAD? – you don’t waste that …
No – they would take all ginger kids born that year, and cover them in skeel-wax and bat entrails and lead them up to the sacrificial altar where the elders would each take turns stabbing the kids.
You know WHY they killed JFK?
(ginger)
If you must eat human, ginger flesh is considered the most succulent and tasty.