Category: Planetary Status Reports

I help no one.

Almost no one would care.

There is nothing I can do for you.

You were damned at birth.

Your life will flip upside down and you will watch your castles of sand destroyed.

Your world will dissolve into pig urine.

Your mind is a disgraceful HOOKER mud palace.

I’m raising money to make this movie, starring Stephen Baldwin, and I figure I need at least $5,000 to pay him … maybe 10.

It’s a movie about a dude that finds a time machine in his backyard, left there by aliens eons ago, and he decides to travel through time and kill random people …

The movie is called TIME SHREDDER …

It’s big … HUGE.

His name will be YARD COOLIDGE and he’ll have a hooker girlfriend named Tina. They start making love after they arrive in the time of the ANCIENT GREEKS and then become the overlords of time zone JELLY …

This movie will make BANK at the box office …

PG13 rating …

I’m gonna make this other movie, STARRING STEPHEN BALDWIN …

It will be about some rogue comet heading towards the EARTH, and it’s OUT OF CONTROL and NOTHING CAN BE DONE … but REX STAR BLASTER (Stephen Baldwin) can save the day …

REX has a suit of cobalt-platinum-steel and a sidekick named Neil …

REX flies a rocket ship into outer space and uses his NEUTRONIC BEAM to split the comet into two smaller pieces … so that these pieces can be deflected using a tractor beam thingy …

AND I JUST NEED 6 MILLION DOLLARS TO MAKE THIS MOVIE … big.

We’ll get SHANNON TWEED to CO STAR … she’s old though … is she alive?

Maybe we’ll get that brunette ho-bag from the ATT commercials, the one with the BIG JUGGS …

But we’re still short funds.

I’ve got this other IDEA for a HUGE SERIES on NETFLIX, also STARRING STEPHEN BALDWIN …

Stephen plays a traveling minstrel and story teller in faerie tale times …

He wanders around small villages, playing songs and making people laugh …

But he also steals OLD PEOPLE and CHOPS THEM UP and PLACES THEM IN A GRINDER powered by a water wheel … it’s bad …

We think we can shoot the whole thing in Slovakia … use porn stars for the cast.

But we need some MONEY … now.

We were thinking about this project …

A BIG PROJECT …

A MOVIE ABOUT TRAVELING to MARS!

STARRING: STEPHEN BALDWIN

He’s gonna have a BIG PART – “Captain Hellstrom” of the ASTRONAUTICAL SOCIETY …

They’ve lost contact with their base on MARS …

Hellstrom is being sent there to FIND OUT what went wrong, what happened …

His sexy love interest, “Commander Leslie”, might be played by some washed up actress … maybe Sandra Bullock … maybe Zellweger …

Here are some other ideas:

1. “Island Passion”: the story of a washed up sea captain that falls in love with a native in Tasmania …
2. “CUBA DEBACLE”: Stephen plays a spy, on the run, being chased by all sides, not knowing WHY till it’s too late …
3. “MISSILE ALERT”: the story of a team of eco-terrorists taking over a US missile complex, and Stephen Baldwin plays the janitor that saves the day …

A lot of cool projects …

STARRING STEPHEN BALDWIN …

Your woman wants RFK JR …

Your woman wants RFK JR to INGUGDOOLATE HER …

Your woman has fantasies about RFK JR tying her UP and flogging her with some sexual flogging tool you’d buy off the back pages of Hustler …

Your woman is at home, right now, thinking about RFK JR.

Your woman took a long lunch last week with her old college friend, Kendra, and they both made a LOVE PACT to find RFK JR and to allow HIM to insert his power wand into their boovulas and in that way make ba-ba-ba-babies …. that’s what your woman said on FACEBOOK.

Your woman has been YOUTUBE talking about RFK JR and his abs and his pecks and she’s really JUICING IT UP …

Your woman recently took a “moistness test” at her gynecologist office, thinking about RFK JR and about being pinned to some nasty dirty bed in some alley some place.

Your woman started writing this “romance novel” …

It’s about her and some old pirate named “Rob” …

They fight the British Navy and get exiled to a swamp and sex oil grease island where they are both scantily clad and it’s humid, and there is plenty of rope.

She loves him.

Your woman has been trotting around town in slinky outfits, meeting up with greasy dudes at the Screw Bar in Grinken Town. She wears torn fishnet stockings and had poorly drawn makeup and she’s kinda drunk and high on crack.

Your woman is driving your car out to the beach …

She’s wearing a bikini that has see through cups …

She bought SKUZZ WAX from TANDRY’S off of Digton Street, where the hooker congregate and trade stories of their “fishing trips” …

Your woman is hot and spicy and there’s no holding her back …

She knows what she WANTS and she WANTS RFK JR …

Your woman dreams about RFK JR and his JUICED OUT chest …

She knows his testicles have shrunk back into his body because of his dosing, it explains his voice and his acne … but she wants him.

MP3: https://planetarystatusreport.com/mp3/20230626_STARSHIP_HADES.mp3

Donate: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/doctorfreckles

Zero Hedge: HEADLINES

STARSHIP HADES:

1. Hector, the LANCE-LORD, told the council to prepare. A great SHAKING UP was upon his people and the SAND DIXIES were no longer capable of holding off the STORMS.
2. It was a massive ship, 500 meters long … it had 4 fusion drive engines and protonic afterburners and a liquid ether-matter injector for DARK MATTER space skipping and trans-linear drive.
3. Volxha, the STAR KILLER, was sure the ship would fail, so she built tumbler rockets loaded with lesbian life pods.
4. Hazy planet PEAR …
5. The great cosmic ocean, 20 light years in diameter … with islands of rock and reef … with sea creatures … and multi-generational migrations … SUPER SALMON and WHITE DWARF SHARKS big enough to swallow planets.
6. Bigfoot’s home world …
7. By the 600th year of the journey, the craft had reached 99% the speed of light …
8. EON KINGS WAGE WAR …
9. Time and space fold …
10. Goodbye cosmos, I am beyond you now.

Days without Drinking: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=7758

I take a pill: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=7734

Dating Websites: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=7732

Climate Science: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=7761

Bigfoot:

I stand there in the dark,

chewing bark,

listening to a meadowlark …

And the drinkers and thinkers and hunters chew their cud,

drink their whiskey,

and smoke their MARLBORO CIGARETTES …

And do these intrepid adventures offer me any?

Do they care about the hairy man of the Woods?

Nah …

They mock me …

They mock me in the darkness.

Start a submarine business: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=7764

I’m thinking of getting into the submarine business …

I’m gonna rig up some kind of steel barrel with a bottle of oxygen and maybe they get some kind of 3 inch window to peer out of with a light …

And I send those poor souls down to Davy Jones’ Locker …

sensitive question …

If I started a submarine business, taking people to see the dudes that died?

Where they died?

Near the titanic?

Is that insensitive and potentially cursed?

I am at peace.

I’m thinking of sending people to SPACE.

I can rig up a steam rocket using old plastic containers and the boiler from the abandoned school …

I’ll create some kind of capsule out of parts from a CESSNA CITATION and just fire people up to that place in SPACE.

You are building.

I’m thinking of starting a safari business …

I’m not gonna lead the safari, more like I arrange the passage on the ship and give the person fake ID cards, travel papers, maps to special locations, and a fake person to meet once they get to SOMALIA. I think I give them the name a human trafficker and kidnapper, I dunno, he paypals me periodically.

These fine people will sally forth and take on the world with courage, but in the end fall victim to nature, as so often happens in the jungle – and that’s what this is about fucker.

If you start a safari business, you can just dump people in the swamp some place and say “hey man, go safari” …

So you CAN be a TIGER HERO …

Wrestle the snake.

I might start contracting …

I’ll get a hammer and a saw and a drill and one of those back supports. I’ll start packing a lunch for work and buy boots with steel toes …

I’ll wake up early and get to the job site and the whole team will be really happy with me and we’ll become lifelong friends ….

Of course, after a couple weeks they notice that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing …

So I have to set fire to the job site and go underground …

All because I wanted to do the honest work of a contractor.

I’m considering becoming a fisherman.

I would build my boat out of old beer cans and stale dingy parts. I’d find old diesel motors that have been blown out and restore them using thermal lance and arc welders. After de-gunking to core pack, I’ll grease up the main axle and take that vessel OUT to SEA …

I would run tours for people from the city …

I’d say “come out on my boat son-a-bidge …”

We’d take the tides out to Stoove Island, and then linger there, as our boat slowly takes on water …

We’ll dump the old people first, feed them to the sharks that are congregating near our floundering craft …

We toss out the tourists next …

(then my first mate, Old Flick …)

But only IF I were a fisherman …