Category: Planetary Status Reports

Very soon, the ground will shake.

At the appointed time, the world will HOWL like a TIGER.

Our LIGER limitations do not worry, in a hurry we will break through the overcast skies and find a warm place in the sun to die.

On February 12th, 202X, a young woman named Birdy Bess will make her way to WALMART to buy 4 cases of 9mm ammo and 10 boxes of 12 gauge. THERE’S A VIRUS ALERT on the TV, and MAGA MAN SAM is selling his pitch to every KAREN Bitch: lock yourself down, toss your children in the storm drain, eat your protein slurry and SHUT THE FUCK UP … slave. But BIRDY will have none of this hokum.

“Where’s your mask?”, slurred the WALMART greeter, his hands shaking from carbon monoxide poisoning and fiberglass damage to his lungs from the necessary “masks”.

“WHERE’S YOUR MASK LADY?”

“I don’t need that”, answered Birdy. But she could see the fat commie slovitch type was going to get his manager AND the security guards.

She was cornered on all sides, inching closer they would grab her and take her to the back office and teach her a lesson in WHAT’S UP, but Birdy could sense this – she used to date football players.

The baroolian freak, the nasty security guard, grabbed Birdy by the arm and squeezed – he pinched her arm down to the bone, and BIRDY screamed.

Birdy pushed away from these cavemen and pulled out a .357 magnum. She cocked the gun and asked the “men” to step back, so they did, but a nearby KAREN called 911 on her “smart” device and soon the building was surrounded by cops and sheriffs and other assorted pedophiles and wife beaters.

Birdy wasn’t alone though …

There was THAT GUY looking for two-stroke oil, not wearing a mask …

There was the OLD LADY in the wheel chair, packing a hidden GLOCK-19 with a 30 round magazine …

There were the CLUMPTON BROTHERS trying to pick up MILFS in the frozen food aisle.

There were others, Birdy didn’t know it yet, but she would.

Donald Trump, who’d been ON THE RUN from JD Vance for 2 weeks, drove his TESLA CYBER TRUCK through the plate glass windows; everyone was stunned.

Trump, who’d been living in the caves and in the sewers, arrived like DARK LIGHTNING from our broken collective unconscious. Birdy didn’t vote, she didn’t care to, but she knew the ORANGE DEMON, what JD called TRUMP.

You see, JD VANCE took power shortly after ARRIVING in WA DC. The whole SWAMP CADRE of ZIONIST FRINGE BOTS and other hooker henchman joined forces with “MR QUESTION MARK”, that’s what people called him. JD took up with KAMALA and other CLAM-FIBER cultists. He moved into a CONDO at the ECCLES BUILDING and henceforth called it the BLIGHT HOUSE. He and Powell shared jizz-magnets and gutter tiramisu.

“Mr. President, where’d you come from?”, Birdy asked.

“I’m out there and it’s HUUUUGE … JD? – what a twirp, he murdered Melanoma and left me to die by the Lincoln Memorial.”

“What you doing here?”

“I was summoned by the COYOTE SPIRIT.”

More cops gathered outside the WALMART, and now the KAREN SQUAD was demanding GOVERNOR BLIBISS bring out the NATIONAL GUARD.

Soon, even the VATICAN was sending its “HOOKER ANGELS”, blessed by old drunk Jesuits and Franciscans, with the power to CONFUSE and DOMINATE utilizing their jumblies.

Birdy hugged TRUMP, she felt his queebous-sweat and smelled his dingy muck soul. She knew the guy was burnt out and filled with cat urine, but she sensed that DONALD wanted redemption and something about this FEBRUARY 12th would bring it forth.

No one knows who fired the first shot …

Some say it was Cally Jorman, a deputy sheriff high on cocaine.

Others believed it was “Karen” Southerland or “Karen” Greene or “Karen” Moskowitz, they just knew some fucking Karen pulled that trigger.

The shot rang out, and everyone was stunned. Birdy grabbed her stomach and Trump could see she was bleeding; he held on to her, as her legs gave out and she crumpled down to the floor.

It felt like hours, but Birdy was gone in a few moments. Trump held her, caressed her hair, as her monkey spirit left her body for the great beyond.

Trump stood up, angrily. A sense of portent and overwhelming HEAVINESS was felt by all.

“TAKE COVER, RETURN FIRE, AIN’T NOTHING LEFT BUT TO DIE!”, screamed Trump.

Bullets began flying, there, at the Bunkton Township WALMART. Nobody knew much about BUNKTON before that day, just a sleepy little town in who knows where the fucks heartland America. The firefight only lasted an hour, but by the time it was over the WALMART was on fire and reinforcements from the SWAMP RATS and GOMBO-FREAKS of Sector-998 (Louisiana) were showing up, riding hippos, and carrying shivs.

Already, the fourth VATICAN DIVISION of SWAMP WHORES had invaded Mississippi, and there were rumors of other GRONGO-FORCES under the command of former president Barack Obama. Battle lines were being drawn, but no one could read a map.

“GET THAT MISSILE LAUNCHER BACK ON THE ROAD!”, yelled COL CLAM, the busty vixen leader of the BOOB-RANGERS and other chicks that ride tigers. She’d been recruited by the VATICAN when she was a young nun, and now her time to SHINE for the POPE had CUM. “GET THAT FUCKING LAUNCHER OUT OF THE SWAMP!”, she hastened her chick squad, as these voluptuous devil dogs rubbed grizzly wax on their vaginas.

Within a few days the VATICAN had taken control of New Jersey, NYC, and Boston. They had shock armies roaming FLORIDA, and several mutant sasquatch chasing women in bikinis in Georgia.

HOOBIE GANGS of thirty-something CROSS-FIT FREAKS began forming their own KLUNGIT-KLANS, chasing tail and looking for “easy going Sunday morning” sex parties.

TRUMP, upon achieving TOTAL VICTORY at the Bunkton WALMART, joined forces with the brave and sexy SHEILA GANGS of Quadrant-2. These were the cast-asides, the throwaways, they kept their souls in CHECK, and their conscience intact, by remembering the wet springtime EVENTS of their lost urban youth. They came from the slums, from DOWNTOWN, from the gritty city chum lots where OLD MEN look for YOUNG BODIES to buy. Trump could tell they were HOT and HANGRY and HEAVY with foolish heart songs.

“You with us Papa Blump?”, asked Queen Irene.

Trump smiled, and shook his head, “girl, I’ve been with you since the first time we met at Mar-a-Lago so many halcyon years ago”. Together, Trump thought, nothing could stop them.

Papa Blump and Queen Irene, like the SCENE from the SCOTTISH PLAY; one day their fire children would RULE the 5 worlds.

But a darkness set in …

It turned out that JD VANCE had cloned TRUMP, using dried JIZZ from that one time they “experimented”. A HORROR, DARK-TRUMP or DRUMP, was out there, chasing down the young and old, feeding them to the GREAT CRUSHER, mixing mite love with angel worm sadness.

THE BATTLES grew harder, as Papa Blump and DRUMP waged war, and JD VANCE watched over this from his SKY CASTLE: a vacuum ship dirigible floating 30 miles above the surface of the Earth.

DRUMP, on orders from JD VANCE, launched an invasion of THAILAND and began injecting men and dogs and cats with a mind control virus: the virus made everyone exposed susceptible to JD VANCE’S MIND RAYS and even the GAYS admitted, when they spitted, that this was GREASIER than El Paso TEXAS.

For OCCUPIED GEORGIA, life was cruel …

Women were rounded up by various BIGFOOT and SASQUATCH gangs. The YETI now RULED the domains surrounding Atlanta, and the swamps were being turned into all female prison zones: and the women, wearing only bikinis, were marched there … those that couldn’t make it were tossed to the gators.

After defeating the 14th LOON division under the command of KAREN STEVENS, Papa Blump moved on to Florida. He and QUEEN IRENE organized the BOOGALOOS and the COLLAPISITARIANS and the 7th Adventists into STRIKE-TEAMS and Blump demanded everyone wear Hawaiian shirts.

It was looking like the good guys might win, that the memory of poor BIRDY would not be forgotten. Blump carried one of her fingers in his pocket, to remind him of her and the bravery she showed at the Bunkton WALMART on 2/12.

One night, after a long days battle, BLUMP SCREAMED OUT TO THE CADRE and the DOG SOLDIERS sleeping on the beaches near TAMPA:

“WE SHALL NEVER FORGET BIRDY! WE WON’T FORGET BUNKTON DAY!”

The mythology of BUNKTON DAY was spreading like wildfire – even the FRENCH were getting annoyed …

Of course: there were VATICAN SPIES everywhere, and BLUMP knew it. He even had to take a few on one of his “fishing trips”, and many a waifish and virginal nun went to her death being eaten by tiger sharks … terrible.

But it wasn’t all pain, this SECOND AMERICAN CIVIL WAR …

Blump and QUEEN IRENE spent several turbulent nights, sultry and salted, near the seashore, making clam chowder.

“Oh baby, I’ve never felt a man like you”, said Irene.

“HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS, I can’t live without you, and I won’t; if you leave me I’ll kill you”, this made Irene smile.

JD VANCE sent the US NAVY SEAL TEAM X-RAY after BLUMP, but he was a few steps ahead, domesticating and training tiger sharks AS BATTLE SHARKS. And even some of the VATICAN’S “ANGELS” switched sides, having gotten really sick of all the KARENS they had to work with. Things were looking up for the SECOND CONFEDERACY, and that’s what BLUMP and IRENE called it.

“This time, we’ll get it right baby”, Irene whispered into Blump’s ear, as he rode that shark into history.

Meanwhile, DRUMP, under orders from JD VANCE, seized ANTARCTICA and the SAFE ZONE. For years, the rich and powerful have been setting up a “safe zone” in Antarctica, capable of housing nearly 3 million people. BLUMP knew about this place, but his forces were stretched too thin, so he asked QUEEN IRENE if she could send her FOXY FOXTROT SQUAD 11, riding polar bears, down there to the South Pole.

Within a few weeks, DRUMP’S forces and Irene’s clashed, and at STOOGIE PASS the brave women of Irene’s forces defeated the robots and CLAMALA’S GENITAL CRAB POSSE.

It was a near thing …

Because DRUMP had an ally in the SOUTH: Barack Obama.

Obama sent his SKLAG WARRIOR PRIESTESSES, armed with DREG-PISTOLS and wearing sports bras.

After many skirmishes, these SKLAGs were laid to rest near McMurdo Base.

The tide was turning, and it looked as if BLUMP and IRENE’S victory would be assured. But then, DRUMP sent an army of NEOCON lobbyists, riding giant mutant Frenchies into the GAMMA ZONE (Las Vegas). BLUMP tried to shift forces, but JD VANCE had sent his IMAGE as dark satanic power orb energy in the form of a Godzilla sized CAT with glowing red eyes.

Some compared the battles around Vegas, with the dust storms and limited vision, to the “Battle of the Wilderness” in 1864. But they were all hooked on meth and had bleeding gums and nobody of stature listened to them.

The SECOND CIVIL WAR lasted nearly 3 years, and over 200 billion people died.

The battles spanned continents, and BLUMP got to spread his seed. Irene was none too happy about his oafish ways, but BLUMP had FIRE SPICE in his loins and a groin encased in dried blood and sores.

At one point, in the second year of WAR, BLUMP and IRENE SPLIT UP and BLUMP began organizing CARNY FOLK as second and third tier JOOG FORCES. Their skeevy ways and cigarette burns and cotton candy affect took the STAGE … and with vile gutter rage they broke through the LINES at St. Louis.

And the BATTLE NUNS that switched sides? – they led the assaults to retake OREGON and WA state. They even invaded CANADA, that was then being ravaged by a killer outbreak of genital crabs, and the battle nuns captured Vancouver Island, and most of British Columbia … for the SyFy channel … so they would be able to shoot outdoor TV SyFy scenes there for free, IN perpetuity … that means FOREVER fucko.

As the SECOND CIVIL WAR WOUND DOWN, BLUMP began flying space patrols near VENUS and MARS and the MOON. Queen Irene and he established MOON BASE ALPHA and put Colonel Koenig in charge of the fission waste dumps there.

GREAT HONORS were bestowed upon BLUMP. His victories numerous, his armies brave and true. He had so many consorts, Asians, black women, Irene, and some Mexicans – so many beautiful and fertile women were offered up to him in tribute. His seed spread, and like Genghis Khan many a child would be born in the future with his stain upon them.

… and …

It’s hard to believe that one young woman, Birdy, and her brave death at the BUNKTON WALMART started it all.

Through the echoes of time, it will be said:

“UPON BUNKTON DAY we stand, as Birdy once did, in her cut-off jorts and her Xavier-Type BLOOTON rifle”, said BLUMP on BUNKTON DAY, 2/12, 202X.

SO GO OUT THERE GRINKEN MAN.

FIND YOURSELF A GRINKEN WOAH-MAN like BIRDY …

Hustle and bustle your way, stroking your steam pipe, and fill her caverns with chowder gravy and Old Navy loving.

Give her a BUNCTOUS BABY … fill her with your white gravy.

And when the baby is born, if it’s a girl: name her Birdy.