Category: Planetary Status Reports

Link: https://www.project2025.org/

1. Project 2025 will outlaw FLOODING. The rain shall not fall, as in the old times of demon marshmallow hoarders and golden shower queens. Your flergous-gerg will resonate with the chiming spirit of that strange and wet bedfellow. NATURE will MOAN as TRUMP “grabs that pussy” and shows the climate how it’s done. Sure … Some will accuse him of sexual assault, but remember the turd wardens, and the lost of Florida.
2. With this fine project, there will be HUGE GAINS in stocks and oil prices and a general shrinking of the clothing busty women are allowed to wear. Busty women, covered in skorg-powders and diamond lice, will SHINE … as the dying sun turns cold, and the old are dumped 8 miles from town, in a landfill. You can bet your PET will show up on the menu, when that printed money turns to glass, and it’s your ASS if you can’t give your woman DERG-STYLE liver spice. All the nice things will be ours, if we can just believe.
3. MEERKAT TRAVELERS from BEYOND will arrive at our doorsteps, and they’ll find a WALL made of no-nut pancakes and armadillo bacon. The WALL will be 7 million flamingos by 33 billion Pink Floyds in size. It will be visible from Jupiter, if we build this shit RIGHT … The wall will be SO HIGH, satellites will periodically hit it, if they fly too low. You know the pervy dudes at Langley will have secret tunnels, and back channels, and underground groove chambers where Bob Sagat holds sway and it’s not okay to say NO on Taco Tuesday. Leave your troubles behind, because TRUMP and VANCE promise something lovely, come Brunkton Day.
4. Project 2025 will partition DENMARK into 900,000 separate principalities, each with its own KING and QUEEN. Each principality will have 5 dukedoms, each dukedom will be guarded over by a robot Duke Nuke’m. As the sands of time pass, the scrubbly folk of Copenhagen will attempt to REFORM DENMARK, but the FRENCH will invade with bisque wagons and red wine torpedo sauce, and all will be LOST when the last boss botches his escape, by submarine, to Sweden. Then, in Sweden, let them drink beer from bottles, de-capping them bottles with their yellow and brown teeth, and sojourn among the gumpton-folk for 500 years. That’s also part of Project 2025.
5. Sector guards are sharpening their kites, making hornet jelly and preparing the flames for the coming of GOOB. Last times are first times, and JUGSON will not finish his carpet prayer. We’ll see corncob chili and microwave-stripper soufflé when the scuzbit-farmers complete their sowing and the mowing time is too long away. Carnal figurines journey to Blubville, and the rains of November turn sordid and mellow. Don’t go sell your cabin yet, because it’s a sure bet the monkey pirates are down in Florida. That’s what Project 2025 will do.
6. If this GRAND PROJECT commences we will build a time tunnel to the past. We will travel to ANCIENT ROME and lead the tired soldiers of dying empire to victory. We’ll arm our legions with AK-47s and a merciless vibe such that their enemies will run screaming for the Adriatic. Emperor Smalls will become the first BLACK ROMAN EMPEROR in the year 233 AD … if we go ahead with Project 2025.
7. A new wind will blow from the EAST to the WEST, the best of our youth will cover themselves in sour-grass shavings and dirty Peruvian underwear. Cocaine sales will SPIKE, because Powell ain’t gonna hike rates no more, if our project moves ahead. Dingy and dark people, from greasy places, will tie our shoe laces and ravage the Bishop’s realm, and Florida Man will rise again … and all the burny spots imflamed by your jealous genital crab persuasion.
8. Happening faster than expected, our TURNIP FACTORIES are no longer competitive. We will have INCENTIVES for making MORE TURNIPS than EVER BEFORE. All the kids will get turnip soup for breakfast, all the parents will get turnip wine while they dine. Before going to bed the adults will drink turnip whiskey, and after they wake up the turnip-coffee will be ready to go. Yeah, I bet people are afraid of Project 2025, because they are afraid of their own colon mystery.
9. Helplessly we drift towards the sun, and the emissaries of Quadrant-BETA-5 will not go home – they hang out at the Holiday Inn, driking Fin-cleanser and WD-40. Brian Skoobs will run the new department of makeology, where stuff will get built, to do other things … for people with problems. And you’ll HAVE problems buddy … and they will fix them for GOOD! That’s what Trump will do pal, if you vote for him … you fuck.
10. Currently there are 25 nuclear tipped missiles pointed at the State of Israel … why? – we don’t know. As part of Project 2025, we will launch all of those missiles, at Israel, as a test. A test of their (the Israeli’s) divinity and specialness, a test of dual-citizen USAF airmen and officers and their loyalty … to see if they’ll obey. We launch those missiles to make a point, that we can, and we will … and the people of Israel can and should go fuck themselves. This is Project 2025 too …
11. When TRUMP enters office he will immediately convene a meeting of the HORGAN CHAMBER. At this meeting, Trump will declare HAWAII a “gravy land of midget mastery”, and the whole state will be turned into a giant strip club – taking advantage of naval and commercial shipping traffic, giving them “boys at sea” a place to stop, relax, get wasted, and maybe have a private “dance” or two … you judging? – Trump isn’t, ask STORMY.
12. The core idea of Project 2025 is to REJUVENATE and CLEANSE the butt chambers of America. All of our sewage thinking and our lost protein payment plans and cash-flow scheme-dreams will become REAL, as TRUMP opens up the NATIONAL CHEESE CAVE and the dog forces of General Frosty takes all of Missouri and some of Arkansas … if we get that Project going baby … fuck it …