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BTANL: Chapter 9 – A NEW KUNG FU (HOOKTOGGENFOOK, the TAO of CLAM)

I have 8 kinds of shuriken …

10 kinds of swords …

I can kill a grizzly bear with a napkin …

The BUSTY WENCH MAIDENS of QUADRANT-CHARLIE seek after my white bean chili, to baste themselves in, to waste themselves in; I am the sought after hard CHARGER breaking in new panty paradise lovers.

There are no ENEMIES that I have not vanquished before they were born; they never saw it coming.

THOSE THAT FEAR ME fear THE GREAT SKY-YOTE, a COYOTE with the wings of a golden eagle, and the ability to bring forth storms and hookers.

YOUR SEED HARMONY is only in balance when you can demonstrate a good credit score; so don’t “cancel” that card and be all woke, go broke and see the wisdom as yours.

A kind and gentle wind blows from my arse towards the stars, and before the taverns kick out all the hobos and the FORGE DEMONS take turns corn holing my diseased mind. Insights are to be found on the ground of that CHEVRON STYLE restroom, near the urinal cake residue and the rotten floor butter and blood. You can SMELL the liver failure in that dank location, and nowhere is there a destination for sexual rejuvenation and SOUL TRAIN HIDEAWAYS.

YOU CAN FIGHT BACK, once you finish that drink – no one likes a quitter.

And I have a laser canon. A canon and a star ship. Leave the POSER persona at church, and LURCH YOUR WAY to BODY DESTINY and BRUISER stroke cherry cruising.

YOUR BODY is an INSTRUMENT of SOUL GATHERING – it was designed by a genius named God.

Keep tracking meadow child.

I open a TEAR in space-time, with my CRESCENT SPIRIT I summon RAVENS, the ravens carry the TARG-MIST to ZENITH, and if I could I would travel with you boyo. We’d grease the skids with bidding and budding super thought and a clotted meth heart for girls living at the trailer parks.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT GUY, the torpedo general? – he built a bucket, and put crabs in it, and then put that on TV. LATE NIGHT in 1988 you’d tune in with your college dorm BLACK AND WHITE, and to your FRIGHT the crab-bucket (Morton Downey Jr Show) was on TV.

That was long ago, or not so long ago …

To the Morton Downey Jr Show …

He died only a few months before 9/11, only a few weeks after BUSH2 was GRATIFIED as POTUS …

Accident my fragrant water sprite or INCIDENT?

That’s the key to hiding paperclips.

WAS HE TOO KIND TO SURVIVE?

WAS HE TOO SMART TO LIVE?

Did he try to warn us, did we listen? – or did we just see the crabs in the bucket, and nothing more. THIS IS THE PATH of sphincter awareness, and bloody stool revelations. Don’t be afraid of your pickle brine roses, don’t be afraid to clean out your mind-closet. If you want to be dangerous, you must first be oblivious. Morton knew, do you?

HOOKTOGGENFOOK is the MYSTERY PATH.

YOU HOOK the TOGGEN fairy and HAIRY McDaniels plants the SPARK MAGNET in your prefrontal cortex. FOOK is the means by which common man is redefined as GRINKEN MAN LOIN HARBINGER and capable of the infamous G.I. JOE KUNG-FU GRIP.

ESKIMO TRIBESMAN and WAYWARD SHAMAN have always understood the ancient MASTERY of HOOKTOGGENFOOK, also called the “Way of Way Too Much Coke” or the “TAO of the CLAM”.

You get crazy headed and decide to eat 5 bags of Halloween candy, and it’s All Saint’s Day so the AMC CHANNEL is having one of those fucking 48 hour dedication thingies to the CHARLES BRONSON OEUVRE, specifically fucking DEATHWISH … and yeah, that genre played out 40 fucking years ago.

YOU GRIP your lovers TIT-TEASER, and use HER boovula power against HIM in the shower. LIFE ENERGY DROPLETS can be tossed at that nasty hoe, and you’ll row your way on the good ship lollipop, invented by GEORGE SMITH in 1206 AD. A GRAY DAY NIGHTMARE broke out over SPLUNCTON, and all the ranger danger hustlers went to Panama City to chase hooker rash splendor. Do you ever WONDER HOW you might become more dangerous than a US Navy Seal on SPECIAL-K? – well, you might go broke to find out, but you’ll never be afraid of bullies again … probably.

According to this BEING-SCRIBE, there are 6 SHOCKING levels of HOOK-TOGGEN-FOOK mastery. If you can attain and attune yourself to these levels, you might be able to destroy the most powerful UFC fighters in the world. That’s a hard maybe.

1 – SPICEY SEX TRANCE DANCE

YOU FOUND the FLOWER of MOUNT HESPA, and in the leaves you heard the voice of the warrior wolf spirit flame. You CAME to me to find GREATER STRENGTHS and COURAGE, but your spider-self is revealed and congealed and the dead cast stones at your head while you sleep. To be a TIGER’S GROWL? To be the eagle’s talon? – YOU CHUG A GALLON of white drip slop from the CHINESE FACTORY near the old abandoned well.

A note to the cantor: sing the ALTO jello style Romeo mix, make the base COOL and HIP – churn and burn with a twerky little kiss. Then, see the frosting glow. A proper spin move, using your LEFT CHEEK and RIGHT BOOB as a blocking singlet. People from Jamaica would call this the “absent mother oblique”, but I like to see it as a modified “Kentucky Style Ass Kicking” with focus on butt-forces and torqueing it to work it, work it good, making the milk shake.

It is reported that even CHUCK NORRIS was taken out with this application of slick-physics. Women have the advantage using this stratagem, and its performance as a primary stance maneuver renders your opponent speechless, and open to frontal assaults and severely painful kicks to the groin.

2 – KICK MASTER RABBIT STANCE

The TRUE karate master stands on a piling near the shore, the water is rising. He has one foot on the piling and the other raised near vertical. With his arms he makes rolling and waving motions, and the tiger shark awaits his day to shine. Nearby, there are spectators throwing garbage at the master, taunting him; he does not smile. His CURSE is to be the MONKEY-SPARROW and haunt the glowies and spice-emo types hanging on to their gothic ways.

RABBITS are keen sailors, have you heard of watership down?

RABBITS have YOKE-FIBERS and are capable of hopping through any bramble shamble.

RABBITS can hear for miles and see beyond, their eyes are cherished in India and sold by poor children as delicacies. Currently, there are over 23 billion rabbits in the USA alone, and no one really knows how many worldwide. You question it? – don’t mother fucker, just don’t, not if you want karate-master super power bar SEA-FLOW kinds of BOOB KNOCKING CROTCH ROCKET giveaways and ice cream sundaes.

CROUCH like a LION, put your left hand into the sleeping snake, while pulling back your right arm and twisting your left foot right. Close one eye, I don’t fucking care which one, and meditate on WATER and ice and that SEA-FLOW energy drink franchise you’re opening up in your garage for your friends so they can buy boxes of that shit and sell them to their friends, forever …

Some accidentally mistake this with the drunken-eagle pose, but that’s because they are racist. In reality, this is a modified “Korean grandma” paired with a LESS POTENT “Alabama share cropper”. It’s easy to confuse these.

YOU WILL SPIN THEIR HEADS and bring on the RED, as dead copter-priests are torn apart. Don’t be AFRAID to engage with the WOLF-WOMEN of Simi Valley, they can’t call the cops because they’ve been fucking their husband’s chiropractor. YOU FACE THEM with RED EYES and a jaundiced spirit charge, their LARGE wallets are fool of stolen loot – so give them the boot and take that cash. YOU ARE THE RABBIT VOICE and it’s time to take a piece of that warren and make a festival of your GRINKEN STYLE self-care.

3 – THE QUADRUPLE WHAMMY

NINE APE KINGS descended from MOUNT TLOR, with them they brought a throng of shanty folk and denizens of the lake country and river bend blossom glens. They told the midget king that SOON the moon would become a RED CHARIOT and RACCOON PIRATES would ravage the kingdoms and saloons.

YORBIS, the “STUD BREAKER”, cooked turnip sauce and pig gravy for the wanderers and mongers and storytellers. He’d be up all night, sitting on his porch, staring deeply into the enveloping darkness. As teachers went, he went a long ways.

BACK TO THE BEGINNING was the answer, as we chance another TRYST in the misty carnival palace. We scope out the whale-pasture and realize that GAIT and power pools are simply the natural extension of BRUCE LEE STYLE helmet pounders.

YOUR KELP TRAINER calls you a hippo-head and an elf-herder. You DESERVE GREEN SWERVE caribou techniques, but his SEEKER BULLET HEAD nastiness comes out as rocket-jockey strip club style muncher stew. YOUR SOUL GROOVE is to HOOK the FOOK and TOGGEN the NOGGEN. With time and practice you will learn to defeat your negative insinuations, and preform at PEAK LEVELS with SEA-FLOW ENERGIZED poly-crystals. After a few weeks your electrons will become 5% bigger.

STAKE OUT THE HIGH GROUND, do a triple high kick with double punch …

Pick up that BRICK and bust his skull, so the crimson river feeds the aesthetic of dominance. YOUR MOVE is to SLAMMA his JAMMA and whammy the right side of his liver-pouch. IF HE SEES YOU first, this will not succeed.

Sometimes you just see your enemy at that bridge, the one with the low railing. And you could just knock him over, sending him to happy sleep town on the rocks along the river below, about a 200 foot drop. But you don’t know what CAT FORCE this guy possesses, and the voice in your head is your guide and it says “bet the chips, let’em ride” so that your dog can become a real person, one day, upon BUNKTON DAY.

4 – DOUBLE THUMB SLAMMER

YOU CLEVER BASTARD, if you made it THUSLY then you are READY for NEXT TIER PIANO WIRE SHUTDOWNS. YOUR HAND IS THE LIFE KNOWN-NOW, with it you can SHUT THEM DOWN. ANGER BULLETS are stored in your grape thong underwear, so point to the YABBA and YABBA DABBA DO, you Saturday morning turtle. Keep calm, stay the course, line your pockets with pixie dust misery and hassle that dazzling midnight with talk of whiskey and old timer meat boxes.

TAKE A HERO STANCE, staring down your enemy. HOOK-TOGGEN-FOOK means clamp on to the water buffalo folly, take the TROLLEY PROBLEM to funky town where they sell brown brown and taffy and cake. Cancel your subscription to NETFLIX, eat more kale. Learn to SAIL that kite runner, as the summer turns to dark and the bark burns with shriveled lip fury.

YOU CAN ENDURE if the wolf spirit allows it.

YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO BE TRASH!

Stop brushing your teeth, you will find RELIEF with shadow terminations and Friday Night Massacres. YOUR ELTON JOHN will be GONE once the DRAGON FIST connects.

Make a karate fist, stick your thumb BACKWARDS while balancing on the balls of your feet, tilt your head 45 degrees, unzip your pants and put your junk on display. This is NOT gay because our BIG SUR INSTITUTE is happy and not sad. Don’t be mad if it takes you several years to master this move; I am sending you a soul-hug.

5 – KOBYASHI MARU (no win scenario)

Take on the STALLION POSE, but grab your crotch and squeeze.

Drop to your knees and BOUNCE.

It’s like that DUDE in 1992, the trucker who stopped at the WRONG intersection – dusky and swarthy types, taking a break from BIG SCREEN TVs and CD PLAYER MELEE, tore him and pulled him into the street, to take that COUP DE GRACE and fold over party dress fantasy. YOU can stand up to the mob but you can’t be a slob, and if they’re rioting don’t stop, just drive through the crowd, real loud, and scrape the road apples off when you get home.

You’re busty and nubile, fighting another equally voluptuous woman to her death, as fat men wearing MAGA hats cheer? – the time is near. YOUR CROUCHING DRAGON and HER HIDDEN TIGER means maybe that “Lola Song” is going on and you can never be too careful when you check the bulge.

YOUR BLASTER STRIKE MOVE will appear impossible, as two legs become three – and the mountain pasture vermin will be AMAZED as they graze on your impossibilicous and throat scandals.

CHANGE YOUR MOTION LIGHTNING, as the curves take hold and the road turns to burnt toast. Candles and oils, the ancient soils, damaged huddle fruit and that old coot you stabbed and buried in the basement.

YOUR BEST MOVE is to use gasoline stench hand gestures and matchstick smiles.

6 – THE TAO of CLAM

CLAM MAGIC is the tragic last step.

THE HIP WARRIOR DRIP is to move from “flattened monkey” to “stubborn rat” pose. Your opponent, caught off guard, will counter with a flying wheel kick. You will counter THAT with a double throat punch and one arm bender. If you hear the CRACK, it means you are in luck, and that FUCK now knows the meaning of the death touch.

CONCLUSION:

STAGGER YOUR memory charts and give in to the rising smoke.

VERY SOON NEW FRIENDS will surprise you with a special gift.

Dance and prance and change your stance, curl your toes and slap your bros. You are the SINGING DOORMAT and NO ONE is going to stop you.

Remember these key concepts:

  1. Hammer-fist throw tables.
  2. BRAMBLE BEAR HUGS
  3. SCOOB MONSTERS
  4. JIZZ MAGIC
  5. BOOB TWISTING
  6. COCK JUMBLING
  7. ANAL SPLOOSH
  8. WILMA STYLE SPLITS
  9. JET STAR FOCUS
  10. MIRROR JAZZ
  11. HOOTENANNY
  12. HOOKER SALE SAUSAGE
  13. PIMP PLAY
  14. SLY MARTINI HUSTLE