PLANETARY STATUS REPORT!

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Salma’s new movie …

Salma Hayek is coming out with a new movie …

Really sexy, she’s gonna take it up the rear from Magic Mike.

There will be scenes of bondage and jerk-chicken and squab grease, rubbed all over the nads and the boovula. She’ll be wearing a strap on made of roughly hewn cedar and burlap and coarse rope. Her screen name is Deluxe Interior, and Magic Mike is just … you know … Magic Mike. There will be a scene, in the middle of the movie, when Matthew McConaughey comes struggling into the bedroom, wrestling a robot anaconda, and complaining about butt sores and Fukushima style “crabs”.

It’s supposed to be a big movie – Oscar winner …

Perhaps the crowning achievement of Salma’s career.

Matt’s character, “Dwayne Rebar”, has a kind of platonic dialogue with Salma about “vaginal dryness” and the “blue pill” – of course, the secret guest star is Taylor Swift. Taylor’s character is named “Cheese Ramen”, and she smells like cat pee and slaughtered pigs. Taylor and Matt go at it, after Matt’s character injects himself with concentrated ROD STIFFENER, but it’s too much and he almost has a stroke … while blowing his load in Taylor’s ass. Taylor quivers, as Matt looks stoically into the distance … towards the cabinet … where he stashed his coke.

It all goes south when Dwayne proposes a “California taco”, but Salma’s character is like “I’m in the mood for an ‘eskimo pie’ …”

At one point in the film, Sylvester Stallone shows up …

Sly plays “Drexler Harley”, the evil metal-style biker dude who owns all the flesh trade on Sunset Boulevard …

Drexler pulls Taylor off of Matt, while Salma allows both Matt and Magic Mike to perform a “west side style chili cook off”, which in Ohio is called a “double salamander bbq”.

It gets weird …

At about the 90-minute mark, when you think the film is almost over? – when stuff gets VERY HOT. Salma’s character lay on her bed, exhausted and covered in sweat and splizz; she’s taken too much, and needs a break – but Drexler convinces the others, to include Taylor, to set Salma up for a “Tennessee slide show”, a very dangerous maneuver for anyone over 50 (spoiler alert). Their bodies are stretched and contorted, Drexler lets out a hideous scream … Taylor’s character is covered in torg-pudding and bleecher wax … It all gets worse, as the orgiastic pyramid is slathered with whipped cream and raccoon spice; Kortan-Raiders arrive to shove cucumbers and zucchini up the butts of Magic Mike and Salma …

Salma is tied to the bed, and marbles are placed in her butthole. She writhes in agony, and pleasure, as Drexler declares himself “Train Engineer” and starts lining up the players, Taylor first, with her “double eagle butt scratcher” style strap on … and Salma moans, heroically, as her thighs tighten, and she bites her bottom lip.

Near the end of the movie, as the players put on their clothes and apply BEN GAY, Salma walks with dignity towards a sliding glass door; she opens the door and stands outside, looking at a nuclear reactor melting down, in the distance.

“We were the dark selves, our juices are raw”, she comments to Drexler – but Drexler is having a stroke, he smells toast …

Matt’s character is passed out on the bathroom floor, covered in vomit …

Taylor Swift is snorting meth and dancing nakedly near the coffee table …

And Magic Mike? – he has crabs now.

Because they all learned a lesson, about love.