Category: Planetary Status Reports

Okay … I have this idea for a movie, and I want you to shut the fuck up for a second.

I know “cocaine bear” … sure … SHARKNADO? – a day that ends in Y. Waiting for TIME-SHARK, that’s probably coming out for Christmas in 2025.

But here’s my pitch for “METH BADGER”, the motion picture.

Opening credits play “Country Road”, by John Denver, as the camera, showing a panorama of the Kentucky hills, keys in on one spot, where some old dude has a kennel in the backwoods … We creep up on the place, with the camera, as country road transitions to some nice keyboard/guitar work, with a banjo thrown in.

Here is where we meet our “man of folly”.

“Old Shimbly”, a crazy old coot that lives in the deep woods of Kentucky starts breeding honey badgers for the domestic Panda Express market …

“Shim”, as his friends call him, begins experimenting with steroids and growth hormones purchased from Ecuador. He ends up getting raided by the FEDs, but one of his PRIZE badgers escapes … Shim is riddled with bullets, as his FAVORITE badger, “Ol Annie”, licks his wounds, and Shim says “get outta here girl”, so the gigantic female honey badger runs for the woods … transition to a short montage with “Man Comes Around” playing (of course Johnny Cash), showing the brief history of “Ol Annie”, and the various things Shim did to raise her to enormous size.

These here normal honey badgers … ones not common to N. America … get to be about 30 pounds … but “Ol Annie”, Shim’s pet name for the experimental badger, grew to be 300 pounds … ten times the size of an average honey badger, but it’s worse …

She was in heat, and needing to breed …

This wasn’t any normal honey badger … its eyes glowed yellow-green in the darkness, and it seemed to SCREAM when it killed. Shim fed it road kill and old dead hookers he found in the Ohio River, bad food, fueled a bad badger.

“Ol Annie” roamed the countryside after the FED operation, and eventually stumbled across two bumbling Falstaffian fools who also happened to be METH distributers. They had about 50 pounds of PRIMO GRADE meth … and the badger ate the meth, then she hunted and ate the poor doomed Skakespearian fools …

Of course there’s a sexy scientist from the University of Kentucky – she grew up in Germany, but has a twang. And then there’s that brave fucking sheriff, who warned about people breeding killer badgers, but nobody listened. Gertrude gets all upset when she discovers that the insane badger had bred with mountain lion, and it seemed as if she might give birth to super-lion-honey-badger … there’s a lot of handwringing over this.

At one point, the Sheriff and Gertrude are on a scouting trip, and they witness the battle between the male mountain lion and Annie …

Gertrude: “I know I said I’d seen everything …”

Sheriff: “I know …”

Gertrude: “But …”

Sheriff: “You ain’t never been to Alabama.”

Lots of Bluegrass music is showcased in this, whatever …

There’s a big finale where the local hillbilly has a vulcan canon, and tears the badger a new one, just before the badger lands on him and bites his head off …

And it’s all somber music and bullshit at the end …

And it looks like the sheriff is going to bang Gertrude.

(and nobody cares about the two fools, Shim, or the lost meth)

THE END

SONY: CALL ME

(we make this movie for less than 20 million, we make 300 million)