Category: Planetary Status Reports

FTD: fundamental theorem of danometry – you get circles and lines … if you’re a dick about danometry? – we take away the lines.

Axiom 1: the interior angles of all triangles add up to 7 hippos and 5 million dollars.

Axiom 2: there are NOT 360 degrees on a circle, nope; there are 219.6 degrees – this flaw is WHY we’ve not been back to the MOON, with humans, in 50 plus years.

Axiom 3: the only way to become COMPETENT in mathematics is to donate $500 a month to my podcast.

Theorem 1: given AXIOM 1 and AXIOM 3, no two hookers can occupy the same HONEY BUCKET at the same time, unless PIMP FUEL is used. Pimp fuel is created using snow-cone machine residue and the dorg flesh of a nearly dead politician.

Theorem 2: if you assume AXIOM 3 is true, then you can derive the following simpliciter via the generalized rules of thought developed by Yugan the “Sky Farmer” and according to his ancient thoughts – “you have to give Dan at least 500 bucks a month, or he’ll hangout back … behind your house … and do something, something bad”. You can see how this is true.

Axiom 4: parallelograms don’t exist … shut UP about them … or there will be trouble.

Axiom 5: IF any two functions allow you to get to the same answer – then the functions exist within the general fabric of equivalent functions, and such functions will create spheres … and with those spheres we will endure, and love each other.

Axiom 6: conic sections can only be created using stainless steel, Teflon coated, KNIVES. If you live in England, you are not allowed to create these sections, but you can still buy them on the black market.

Axiom 7: numbers are possessed by demons.

Axiom 8: if you are able to solve a complicated problem involving many linear equations? – then you’re a nerd, and we’re going to see YOU … in the bathroom … during the break between classes. And you’ll learn a new “shape” … the swirly.

Theorem 3: Given AXIOM 6 and AXIOM 4, you can derive a general rule for making QUICK CASH with my BRAND NEW synchronously available multi-level cash-flow scheme … you just have send me $2,000 ASAP, or I’ll send some polygons to destroy you … and math problems involving factoring quadratics, you fuck.

Theorem 4: A corollary to AXIOM 7 is that your ex-wife was a whore … she dumped you for Neal … what the fuck kind of name is “Neal”. You live in a camper and eat cold beans and soggy remorse. Your dog ran off to join the wolves nearby, and they’re all working out HOW they get “steak dinner”. You can always change careers, but that means you slide deeper into the abyss they call the American Dream, so why not just do crack … it’s logic.

Axiom 9: You can have triangles … if you pay us $200 a month and are willing to let us visit, and hangout in your backyard, and do stuff … we’ll talk about what kind of stuff. But you can’t have ISOSCELES triangles, not unless you pay more money … and provide hookers.

Axiom 10: Right triangles are WRONG. They just don’t help anyone.

Axiom 11: Equilateral triangles really love cubes, but they are feeling like cubes aren’t growing as people and so they want to see other people.

Theorem 5: Women will break your heart and there ain’t NOTHING you can do about it, not if you want to pass this class and achieve total victory against the SLUG KNIGHTS of region-21-ZEBRA.

Axiom 12: Screaming loudly increases a student’s ability to do math, totally.

Axiom 13: There are 4 things that you think you know about perpendicular lines … and a 5^th thing you’ll never guess.

Axiom 14: 90% of all food consumed by high school students contains dead rabbit bones, old fish scales and nuclear waste from various NRC regulated “nuke-2-food” programs run by the AG department. If you sample 2/3 of the waste generated? – you’ll find that is glows in the dark, and is rich in vitamin C.

Axiom 15: There’s no way to square the circle – it is futile and depressing. Better to live in a cave, like Pythagoras, and avoid eating beans. After several years of this, your heart will crystallize and your income level will increase by 700%.

Axiom 16: Danometry is based … based on 4 numbers … 1, 2, 3, 4 … if I get to 5? – bad things happen. Don’t ask for any number greater than 5 or less than 1 … but remember: there are an infinite number of REAL numbers between 1 and 4 … So am I not generous?

I came from the forest, when the herald brought the message, and the wizard burned the virgins.

I lived in the woods till I was three, no man saw my fire and no woman sought my glance …

I ate worms and dead raccoons and droppings from hester-hawks, and got lost in it.

I could be STAR CAPTAIN KRIZ …

I could be the TRIDENT LEADER of the LAST STAR FLEET of GORGIZ-TRULL; our forces are being chased by the evil lesbian galaxy beastress – Wodanda. Her body vibrates with the joy of combat, and she seeks the grease-energy of swampy-love and female inmates, scantily clad, escaping from some misogynistic prison in the Everglades.

Her main forces are rendezvousing near TIGRIS-PRIME, where the squid-merchants sell blue-spice to the tiglin-slaves and whores. They carry shaft-swords and pingo-guns, they rant and rave and scale the walls – using super powers and suction … if you know what I mean. I could battle her, and defeat her, and maybe marry her … except she’s lesbian.

I might find my true love on the planet EER, where NAZI salamander armies wage war with the frog people. And no one knows why, and no one cares; for caring is for the weak stones, and the gravel.

We could move our last platoon to the edge of nowhere, the event horizon of meaningless plunder.

My ship would use old style fission drives, and our workers would manually adjust the control rods – and sometimes things go wrong … and that’s why we have space … to dump bodies.

Sure, our craft, the “ZEEBRAMO”, moves at a fast clip, but them there lesbian ships are faster.

Lesbian star ships have access to pure splizz-oil. It is the lubricant of hyper-light travel. Some say, with pure splizz, you can reach 77 times the speed of light – and along the way, you get a happy ending.

Sure – it could be lies, but if I were STAR CAPTAIN KRIZ, I’d know …

They’d sing songs of Captain Kriz …

They’d sing of my victories over the Pirates of Glym.

They’d sing of my heroic efforts saving the goobie people of Dlob-33.

Yes – they’d sing songs of amazingness and cool time fun.

If I were CAPTAIN KRIZ!

If I were STAR CAPTAIN KRIZ? – I’d settle worlds in region-43ZED, and find myself embroiled in the conflicts of the 4^th SKLEBEN WAR. They’d holler mean things at me, and kick me in the nads, and set fire to my spaceship; this was the price of being a VORG-MINION. I could have left the caste and cast my line deep into the dark of the galaxy, but my rod was soft and my heart enlarged.

And maybe WODANDA’S friend DURILLA, the BOOB-QUEEN, is interested in me. And we end up having babies … and they carry on the journey.

What if WW2 became a time war … and the dilated NOW goes back 100 years now …

And they are still fighting WW2.