As I’ve said before: the great thing about being as deeply censored as me? – it’s unlikely anyone will read this or GET THE WRONG IDEA. Maybe 5 people will … maybe 2. Maybe one or two of them will send me some nasty thoughts – as the Devil prescribes. Maybe one or two will say “don’t worry DAN, it’ll be okay” … that’s YOUR coping mechanism, not mine.
The last 2.5 years here in Utah have been the most peace I’ve had in my whole life, and it’s over. It’s no one’s fault, it’s life. LIFE HAPPENS … but I won’t see Boomer again, or any of the other dogs, I won’t see my good friends again, because everyone is treading water now.
Ten years ago my ex-wife dumped me – can’t really blame her. Angry folks reading this will say the same, no matter what happens. “Shit DAN, you are SUCH A LOSER …”
Perhaps I am.
I don’t know why I attracted so much darkness since my divorce, but I am thankful the Lord gave me this brief time. But it’s over. I’m done.
Maybe I wake up tomorrow and I have a better attitude – that happens with depression.
Problem is: I’ve been using weed to help manage anxiety and depression … and since December 2022 (when I broke my humerus) I’ve been on half rations … nowhere to get weed, no one who can help. It’s not that I can’t live without it, it’s a bit more subtle – I don’t want to drown, but if I drown, I want it to be my choice. Weed has helped me to not drown, especially at times like this, and I don’t have any, so the road is like it was in 2006 … such a nice road, filled with ANGER and OBEDIENCE and POINTLESSNESS. Not a road I want to go down again.
As it is, I’m wondering what happens next.
Do I RALLY?
Do I FIND A HAPPY THOUGHT?
Do I feel EXCITED about more low-rent trailer park mind fucks that await me, out there, on the road? We’ll see. I’ve met so many grifters, so many scum bags, so many people wanting to use me – my friends “Beth and Justin”, they didn’t use me, they didn’t take advantage of me, they treated me like a human being and they are good people, perhaps some of the BEST … and that’s done, complete. They have their own lives, and I have mine.
(a lot to think about)
But it’s over.
BTW SHIT HEAD: we’re all in the same boat, and it’s LEAKY BOAT. So don’t be too smug. Don’t be too proud in your castle on a hill. Don’t assume the darkness won’t touch you, it probably will, just a matter of scheduling.
If you are an ATHEIST looking for meaning in all of this? – WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? According to your world view it’s just poop or poop-pending. YOUR VIEW: we are organic things, soon to turn to paste, practicing self-delusion. Good luck with that.
Everyone dies, some prosaically or heroically according to some random model of the world, others just DIE and are GARBAGE PEOPLE … and this has always been true.
I think I’ll die as I have been – garbage.
From the gift of God, to garbage.
(this does seem right)