PLANETARY STATUS REPORT!

I met a raven on the way to town today. He stood in the middle of the road.

He looked at me and said: “in 6 days the sky will open with fire and then you will die …”

And I thought? – “Fuck, great news.”

I saw an eagle circling overhead …

The dead raccoon choir sang a song of blue cycle lemonade, and the coyote dealers were starting their search for road fowl.

The eagle spoke to me and said: “A wind is coming that will sweep away mankind, you will be thrashed by the tempest and your kingdom will fall …”

And my response? – “Shit, fuck … I have a kingdom?”

I nearly drowned in a rolling river, I was hunting for silver, I told her I would deliver.

Her eyes caught mine at the Swirly Club, she ran tildo-swill for the Gimsly Gang, she would hang with the East Side Hoolies eating taco treats and making bank. I grabbed that girl and made her a home under the bridge …. her name was Midge.

I wanted to buy her a ring, to bring her bling, so her heart could sing … but I was nearly dead, and do you know what the Angel Vogosil said? – “Run to the hills, find that grass that grows near the ledge, and HEAR ME CRAB SCUM … your days of love and rum are done … the Moon will fall to earth, and the land will shake for 7 years … grab yourself a beer son, cuz you’ll be dead in 3 months …”

… and I was like: “Fuck, there’s beer?”

A few months ago I was stuck in the snow.

There was a glow above me, as a UFO slunk down and caught me on the ground.

Out came GREEN MEANIES covered in stardust and slander spice, they had a nice cozy feeling, like special flavored coffee on a Border’s Books kind of day …

The lead alien spoke to me, using mind lasers:

“HUMAN … YOUR SPECIES IS MONKEY WRAP PIZZA … YOUR HEARTS ARE COLD AND STALE. WE WILL IMPLODE YOUR PLANET IN 3 YEARS AND YOU WILL RETURN TO THE COSMOS.”

… and me: “good, pizza too …”