PLANETARY STATUS REPORT!

What are you making for Cinco de Mayo?

Are you making that beef and squash you made last year? You brought it to the PUB where you get smashed with your channel friends, Gertie said she had crabs, and you both cried, and then had some of that STIMBLY you made from dried out muskrat and twice chewed menses. It was a real hit.

Derek stopped by after the SKLOOB party at Nate’s place, and he told you he loved you and he’d marry you and give you babies. And you guys drove out to the LAKE for the SUBMARINE RACES, the chases, and he said he smelled tuna – and you smiled and said “yes”. That was some dish you made, for Cinco de Mayo.

What you cooking up, for MAY 5th?

Your mom is coming over, and she always made TEXAS STYLE ARMADILLO CHILI for Cinco de Mayo. Her crusty-jell would smell up the kitchen, but the tender gold mold-gravy is what you and your wife are waiting for. Too much potato wax spoiled it last year, but if you drink enough beer (cerveza) you can stand her … for a while.

Paul shows up late, with his hoor date from Grinken Town, and the letters on her read “shell fish”. You can have your TUXEDO style dance moves, but your brother loves his Arkansas sideways Sally. Never forget how many hours you spent in the bathroom … last Cinco de Mayo.

WHAT YOU UP THIS CINCO de MAYO?

I heard you made PIZZA last year … with pineapple, and Canadian bacon. I saw you, watching RACHEL RAY and cursing on Shambla. Your cat, so tired of your drab scab, wondering WHEN she gets to pick your bones – she sits on your lap, you poo sap, eating SWANSON’S SALISBURY STEAK dinner again … for Cinco de Mayo.

The building super comes by and checks on your plumbing, but even his greasy eyes refuse your lies, as you stand there near naked in a t-shirt and silk underwear. You grab the Sangria and make your way to the fire escape, knowing that the MAN RACE is dead, and the race to the bottom is just beginning. Last Cinco de Mayo.

THIS CINCO de MAYO …

Are you going to apologize to Tony?

Tony has been waiting this whole year …

He thought you hated him, because of his baloney sandwich smile and that detestable grin on your visage, as the gauge of brain fog spreads WEST.

Tony was never gonna forgive you, but he’s bringing TACO SURPRISE this year, something intended to coop and steal the culture of MEXICO … to APPROPRIATE the LATINX lived experience.

He’s also going to tell you he has syphilis, and you should get checked too … this Cinco de Mayo.

If Ukraine falls …

The exit-queen DORSTRA will reveal the last moon pie. Serious exploiters of HYDRON-POWER will build their stations and drive away the fergus herders. As evening falls on the first day, the witch of EASTERN GOLD stands tall and opens up her legs to the Druidic raiding parties from Boston.

And then, as DINGAT-BIRDS pick the bones of the dead, a NEW REGIME forms up, drains the rivers and arranges for the prisoner exchange. All of this hangs in the balance, when anal masters have sway, and Kepler priests do wrong all along.

If Ukraine falls …

Telemetric queeb-barons will unleash fire upon the last royal knights of Copenhagen. The Parisian SWAY crowd, partying too loud, will vomit ghost-semen upon the altar of Mort and Brandy. Vlagus, the tunnel caddy, spends his days with abandoned wolf scholars and Nordic brain masons.

After the fire goes out, a maiden army of sweet memory moves on to Warsaw, and a blue screen dandy finds shoes and candy for his woman from Shandy. Not to be outdone, the Devil will burn holes in the sun and the crack will spread leaving harlot dead from the Atlantic to the Caribbean. As if this were not enough, the Bermuda Triangle is opened and a large star cruiser from Ibnis Prime shows up and blasts away all our monster rice.

If Ukraine falls …

Your dog will start to hear voices, messages from the galaxy next door. Your dog will wander the streets, chasing after hookers and pimps, biting feral lip-masters and feeding on the grime and death of the alley. His eyes will be filled with tears when he sees the last cheese factory destroyed by Putin, and the canine clans of Dogistan will join forces and link up in Berlin.

Your cat won’t care …

If Ukraine falls …

Zelensky will move out of his mansion in Florida, back into a nice co-op in Brooklyn. He will marry some dude named Marv and make movies about dolphins that learn how to fly. His bannerman will be sacrificed to the BINGO CROWD in Boca Raton, as scab feeders lurk in the hallways of his diseased mind.

Biden, whichever “BIDEN” we’re discussing, will rally the lesbian blue hair brigade. Armed with bats, and bad temper, they will unleash an assault upon the RUSSIAN ZONE, but then only to be shredded by machine gun fire coming from the Orthodox monks in Brighton Beach. Turtles will swarm MANHATTAN, as the SHARKS from Philly seek mold curry at Old Slim’s Jabber BAR.

And still the cats don’t care.

If Ukraine falls …

A herd of cattle, half black and half red, will stampede through ROME, as the Pope sells cocaine to the lost friars of Grinken Town. Bishop Lorenzo will cast a spell on the Celts in Lombardy, as Milan joins forces with Detroit and the eagle-callers die waiting for milk and corn biscuits. Mushroom singers will move into the upper regions of New York State, and ALEC BALDWIN will be made KING of SARATOGA – offerings are made, young flesh and torn tunic.

As the weeks pass, banshees will be seen in the sky, and the double-flavored crispy-chicken ice cream sandwich will be on sale, at 7/11, for HALF PRICE. Murmur seals are spotted 85 degrees off of Baltimore, with NEXUS ships moving 66% the speed of light towards Jupiter. But really …. that’s only if Ukraine falls.

If Ukraine falls …

Towards the end of the week, a great dark silence will boil out of Ireland. Drinkers and thinkers, from the 4 different pubs, emerge to cast lots for costumes and swords. President Biden, whichever one we’re talking about, will find himself surrounded by his own mistakes – as basket weaving wanderers sink daggers into his dried up and evil old heart.

The SIX CHINESE PRINCES will provide counsel to the next emperor of steel, as the cornered tiger tribes of Istanbul cluster and rampage those sacred places left by the Vikings. And to ADD insult to injury, Yorbid, temperate and kind, honors his battle hardened yeoman, and hears the cry of raven from the citadel.

Neglected pimp-guardians, no longer standing and fighting, sink deeper into those wetlands near the landfill …

And still … as the Ukraine falls, the cats don’t care.

If the Ukraine falls …

Cats will form their first KLUNGET-LEAGUE, and squirrels will join forces with raccoon to create the first true critter alliance. The deer will roam scared, covered in parasites and boils, brains filled with poison and pain. The elk will disappear from the lowlands, and the TRUMPET ROOK will be left with no means of completion, no home far from the sun.

Snails will mate with penguins, and the beetles will run loose upon the sour fields of Eton. Without an army to stop them? – the THIRD CAT LEGION, under the command of Mr Fibbols, will reign in the mouse scoundrels and the corvette-hounds from the wharf.

Endless nights of smoke and illness …

Endless days of burning desire.

OKAY … you know how ROM-COM films are really popular?

Like women in the 30’s who only have cats are a prime market?

Title: “Literally, Maybe …”

This is the story of a GEN Z love affair, between two young people who LITERALLY can’t see each other because they stare at their phones all day. But one day, when the power goes out, because of an EMP attack from CHINA or maybe some kind of fucking Carrington Event? – MAYBE these two look at each other and fall in love …

Literally, maybe, this will be a great love story.

Lifetime channel will buy it.

Hey …

TIME TRAVEL MOVIES ARE THE SHIZZEL … so get this …

The movie title: “TIME NAZI”

I imagine it’s 1944, and Hitler sends time-nazis back to Viking times … build up some basic industry for about a hundred years … and then launch an attack on England.

It will be so anachronistic, VIKING armor brigades, rolling up, playing Wagner over loudspeakers … of course we get Mexicans to play the English, and the Vikings are Chinese.

It all takes place some time in the 10th Century. The next King of England is TRANS, and the boogie boys from 1944 want to put a stop to it …

Big stuff here, very deep.

Probably go to Sundance.

What about a film called: “LUST FEST”

Starring: Scarlett Johansson, Sydney Sweeney, Margo Robbie and Salma Hayek …

Setting: a jungle swamp island near El Salvador, run by drug dealers and the CIA and the VATICAN. Sister Suede (played by Hayek) runs an illegal human laboratory, where women are put to the test to achieve total boovula satisfaction.

Lots of “shower scenes” and “jungle chases”, no one gets that much clothing, just how it is in the movies.

Very poignant end scene where Sweeney and Robbie, after ingesting some of Johansson’s flesh to avoid starvation, stand on the edge of some cliff overlooking that wretched dying sea … they hold hands, and jump.

Robbie’s character, “Debbie”, says the following before they jump:

“I wanted to see Vegas …”

(totally hook the lesbian crowd with this “Thelma and Louise” garbage)

(the movie costs $15 million to make, earns 300 million)

Movie Title: “Half Way There”

The story of SIAMESE TWINS that decide their gender is wrong so they pursue a quest to achieve a sex change.

At one point they rob some drug dealers to get just enough cash to buy tickets to Bolivia. In Bolivia they undergo massively dangerous and unsanitary surgeries, with NAZI sounding doctors doing weird stuff with hot pokers.

Movie ends with STROGLON-WARRIORS harvesting the skiv-milk from the sia-trans-twins, who make money, handing out popsicles at the strip mall.

Probably an art house film, maybe Matt Damon funds it.

I’ve got this idea for a SPACE BATTLE FILM …

It’s called: “STAR GLORY” …

You have these magical shit heads called Dyg-Monks, and they go around mind fucking people and spreading an STD that makes more Dyg-Monks …

Some of these shit heads go BAD … they drink the grey-potion and become albino bad guys with bad scar tissue …

A few of the monks rally forces, send out spies and death missions, discover easily repairable flaws in impossible to destroy death stars …

At the end of the series, cuz it’s gonna be one … and will start with EPISODE 4 … at the end, we learn they are all inbred crap heads sleeping with their sisters …

All for the Glory of the Stars.

BIG HIT … probably Oscars.

okay, you have to follow me on this one …

it’s a movie, like that Freddie Kruger bullshit …

Title: WAKE UP CALL

But it’s not about “dreams” … it’s about that shitty noise your phone makes when your morning alarm goes off …

And the trailers are easy … just show people being hacked up in their beds, with that noise as sound track … that alarm noise …

somehow, Druids got a hold of the rare earth minerals that were used before they went into phones … so some phones have this Druidic curse …

okay – Sony, call me

Now this is a good one …

The TITLE: “Spawn of the Devil” …

It’s the story of fraternal twins, born of the rage of time itself …

They grow up in the same house, but there’s always a suspicion that something is wrong … with one of them.

So they go around and around, their whole lives, accusing each other … mostly one person … of being “Spawns of the Devil” …

It’s not much from here, probably make the film in the Czech Republic.

(it’s not a great idea)

Okay, listen to me …

A movie, fictional, about Ray Bradbury and Heinlein …

Title: REWRITE

They meet each other randomly, for coffee …

Witches transport them to Medieval times …

They become generals on opposing sides in a great battle between the Mongols and the English Kings …

And, tbh, I lose the thread of this story right here.

don’t listen to me

So here’s a pitch – tiny people, who want to be left the FUCK alone, being harassed by some nasty old wizard who can’t stop knocking on people’s doors …

Call this movie: “THE RING of the DOORBELL”

The wizard, Geraldo, goes around telling the tiny happy furry people that some shitty OTHER WIZARD, probably the dick’s brother, is causing some kerfuffle … and ONLY ONE of the tiny furry people can help … Geraldo tells this to everyone.

The movie ends with Geraldo knocking on the WRONG FUCKING HOBBIT DOOR …

Jandy, the angry hobbit, here’s the knock and pulls out his .700 nitro express tripod mounted gun (he’s a little person) and takes Geraldo OUT …

That’s how all this stupid hobbit shit should go.