PLANETARY STATUS REPORT!

I am herpes clear.

I am 100% FREE of herpes.

I wanted to contract herpes with Shirley, the dock-walker down by the wharf. She has dark eyes, tells crazy lies, and lives with 9 cats named dog. She works the LATE NIGHTS and it’s out of sight when the sky bear calls and the kitten paradise opens her legs. I met her the first time at Buck’s retirement party, after he lost his boat to the lamprey near Sitka. And I swore I felt a lukewarm grease as I made her feel the full pipe, but even with that swipe I’m still HERPES CLEAR.

I used to hang out with the DURB BROTHERS down by Hagensville, where the pavers went on strike and the roads have turned to dust. There was this wench-woman named FRIDA who ran the protein-hustle for Doc Torg and the Ballard Vikings. She had a smear made of mites and frog testicles and fever sweat – she’d mix in some AMERICAN CHEESE and other spices … she swore it would give me herpes … But I’m still herpes clear … HERPES CLEAR!

When I was stationed in S. Korea, I met some chicks down range. I bought their drinks, it was part of the kink, they tell me about “8 way charlie” and I’d ask: “are you herpes clear?” They weren’t, but it didn’t matter – I tried to go ACES with the Midget of Tokuri, but I got lost in sage grass and Cody style crotch massages. Her lips were covered in sores, and more she didn’t care about the red drip. But I knew, if I could, I would contract herpes and take it home – so that all my friends could say … “Dan, you’re not herpes clear” … that would have been something.

China has created a herpes virus that manifests as cheeseburgers growing on your skin. In partnership with the Gates Foundation and the Vatican, they got this virus that will cause outbreaks, of tiny cheese burgers, on your skin … you just cut them off and eat them … but you won’t be herpes clear.

I have word that the 39 sector lords are forming up a coalition to embark on a multilevel adventure in Mexico …

(and nobody is talking about it)

They started selling SCROOB-JUICE at the Bendicker Station in Splunkton. They dump rotten crab from the dying sea there, they sort out the orange klyb-crab and etch out a pain soup from nothing burgers.

Torn dresses and burning crosses, with dirt clod mourning for the nuns at the dump. And our bread salad is coming, and no one sleeps tonight.

And nobody is talking about it – not at all.

The Russians and the Chinese are building tunnels under your house. If you stay up late at night, till 1 or 2 AM, you can put your ear to the floor of your home and you can hear them – drilling, mining, making those tunnels.

And you already reported this to the cops, so they came by and shot your dog.

And nobody is talking … just quiet, crickets.

Rouge-Shock forces are moving through your town. They drive around in old vans and have rubber cans filled with cat urine and meth. They’re rounding up people, old and young, and training them to use the spear and the stone.

And some nights they go down to Brady’s Food Shack and hang out and eat curly fries.

And not a word … nobody mentions it.

Dust plumes are coming from Africa. They are filled with GMO mosquitoes that carry tiny little needles filled with warp-speed MAGA-MAN vaccines. When the BIRD FLU gives your friend BETTY the RED-MEANIES, well, you can be sure that the dust plume will help.

And riding on that storm is DEN REXLER, an old friend of Jim Morrison. And the gates are opened for old stray monsters, and the kraken moves EAST towards Stragglyville …

And no one is sitting down for coffee, with their friends, and talking about it … not even for tea or a beer or crack.

MARK CUBAN got HACKED …

He was out late with TOM CRUISE and CHARLIE SHEEN. They were eating Horby’s Organic Yoog Cream and hoping Jude Law might show up.

And afterwards Kendrick and Drake did a drive by, and shot six dudes selling apples near the offramp.

And MARK? – he ended up having sex with Terra Gitzy, and she runs a show on Hollywood Boulevard, not far from Creebies Bohemian Theater.

And he got hacked …

And not enough people are talking about it.

MAGA-MAN might go to jail – but his new name will be ORANGE CREAM. He’ll run the “dust” trade on the inside, getting good Columbian YaYo from his pal in Denver. He’ll beef up on rhoids and get into fights and probably get hooked on Kentucky Style Love Making in the showers with Pedro (aka “Jenny”).

And all the MAGA-MAN folk will wander aimlessly in red hats …

And not a word from Harold Ding.

(why)

American cities are boiling over with SIN and VIOLENCE and meth-style real estate pyramid schemes … the “good” home owners sit at home, as the SKROGLON ARMIES form up down the street … You’ll be amazed at how quickly the food runs out, and then it’s flesh parlors and bunctous-beef and stripper style booze parties … and coke … they’ll be a lot of coke

The hoors are being driven from Vroovrington to the outskirts of Roort Town. They bring their wastrel waifs and various pocket captains and metal spikes for eyes. They’ve been pushed too far, and now they’re forming gangs and troops and issuing orders.

And some of these hookers are camping out at the park, near your house, not far from where you walk your dog.

And they’re choosing overlords, and one of them looks like Pam Grier … scantily clad and full of ONYX POWER.

They will lead an attack on the CHICK PRISON in the Everglades, where the PAWG CALDRON overflows.

And no one is talking about it … except for me.