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If I had an onlyfans account …

If I had an ONLYFANS account?

It would be some fetish site, exhibiting an overweight dude, in his 50’s, eating chili raw from a can, in his underwear, in the darkness of a cold camper.

(and that’s just every night for me)

If I had an OnlyFans account?

I’d wear snuggle-bunny diapers, and have some kind of fucking plastic pacifier in my mouth … as I slobbered over German chocolate cake – and read Nietzsche …

If I had one of those accounts …

I’d shake my booty, for the looty …

If I had an OnlyFans account …

I’d trick old “Wharf Sarah” into being in some “movies”. She’s 70 and has been tricking for decades … our thing? – the “double Santino Oklahoma style” …

It involves 300 feet of abrasive rope, a diesel generator, four long fluorescent bulbs.

don’t do the “double Santino” on a first date

a “single Santino”? – maybe, if you have an emergency defib kit

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Florida …

“Florida is going to make Beirut look like Aspen.” – Dr. Freckles

We will devolve into what future creatures will call “sofa apes” … they will analyze the grease deposits we left in the polyurethane fluff from farting …

“shitty sofa apes” – is what the dog-race will say.

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Argentina …

Nothing about the “anti-banker Libertarian wins in Argentina” story seems legit to me – it’s too cartoonish. Plus – the guy seems to have a hardon for Israel …

And then there’s that story from the Army years ago …

But I really don’t want to be talking about this.

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Ginger kids …

Ginger children are the most hated.

All cultures have stories of roasting ginger kids, when they are born – or tossing them out into the woods, to be eaten, or befriended, by wolves … usually eaten.

Ginger bread houses come from the Middle Ages, when the Vatican sanctioned multiple crusades against ginger kids.

They would build a house of dry straw and wood, and put the ginger kids in it … and set it on fire …

They loved doing this around the holidays.

The AZTECS NEVER SACRIFICED VIRGINS …

ARE YOU MAD? – you don’t waste that …

No – they would take all ginger kids born that year, and cover them in skeel-wax and bat entrails and lead them up to the sacrificial altar where the elders would each take turns stabbing the kids.

You know WHY they killed JFK?

(ginger)

If you must eat human, ginger flesh is considered the most succulent and tasty.

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START RAISING!

I’m gonna start raising coyote/raccoon hybrids … it’s gonna be the NEXT big pet … except for the weird Ecuadorian parasites they will carry and their minds being filled with ball bearings.

Coycoon or Raccote … any name suggestions are welcome.

I need to plant hoil-beetles, and harvest the nutt juice from cactus-hawks. My women will massage their boobies as they plant corn in their nunya-pit. I can see myself riding a brown horse of enormous size, and packing a 12 gauge hand-cannon called “Nectar of Peet”. Sure, I might get stuck in my own power-hassle, but my love-cadre will give me spunk-clans and other rort-cream.