PLANETARY STATUS REPORT!

I am herpes clear.

I am 100% FREE of herpes.

I wanted to contract herpes with Shirley, the dock-walker down by the wharf. She has dark eyes, tells crazy lies, and lives with 9 cats named dog. She works the LATE NIGHTS and it’s out of sight when the sky bear calls and the kitten paradise opens her legs. I met her the first time at Buck’s retirement party, after he lost his boat to the lamprey near Sitka. And I swore I felt a lukewarm grease as I made her feel the full pipe, but even with that swipe I’m still HERPES CLEAR.

I used to hang out with the DURB BROTHERS down by Hagensville, where the pavers went on strike and the roads have turned to dust. There was this wench-woman named FRIDA who ran the protein-hustle for Doc Torg and the Ballard Vikings. She had a smear made of mites and frog testicles and fever sweat – she’d mix in some AMERICAN CHEESE and other spices … she swore it would give me herpes … But I’m still herpes clear … HERPES CLEAR!

When I was stationed in S. Korea, I met some chicks down range. I bought their drinks, it was part of the kink, they tell me about “8 way charlie” and I’d ask: “are you herpes clear?” They weren’t, but it didn’t matter – I tried to go ACES with the Midget of Tokuri, but I got lost in sage grass and Cody style crotch massages. Her lips were covered in sores, and more she didn’t care about the red drip. But I knew, if I could, I would contract herpes and take it home – so that all my friends could say … “Dan, you’re not herpes clear” … that would have been something.

China has created a herpes virus that manifests as cheeseburgers growing on your skin. In partnership with the Gates Foundation and the Vatican, they got this virus that will cause outbreaks, of tiny cheese burgers, on your skin … you just cut them off and eat them … but you won’t be herpes clear.

I have word that the 39 sector lords are forming up a coalition to embark on a multilevel adventure in Mexico …

(and nobody is talking about it)

They started selling SCROOB-JUICE at the Bendicker Station in Splunkton. They dump rotten crab from the dying sea there, they sort out the orange klyb-crab and etch out a pain soup from nothing burgers.

Torn dresses and burning crosses, with dirt clod mourning for the nuns at the dump. And our bread salad is coming, and no one sleeps tonight.

And nobody is talking about it – not at all.

The Russians and the Chinese are building tunnels under your house. If you stay up late at night, till 1 or 2 AM, you can put your ear to the floor of your home and you can hear them – drilling, mining, making those tunnels.

And you already reported this to the cops, so they came by and shot your dog.

And nobody is talking … just quiet, crickets.

Rouge-Shock forces are moving through your town. They drive around in old vans and have rubber cans filled with cat urine and meth. They’re rounding up people, old and young, and training them to use the spear and the stone.

And some nights they go down to Brady’s Food Shack and hang out and eat curly fries.

And not a word … nobody mentions it.

Dust plumes are coming from Africa. They are filled with GMO mosquitoes that carry tiny little needles filled with warp-speed MAGA-MAN vaccines. When the BIRD FLU gives your friend BETTY the RED-MEANIES, well, you can be sure that the dust plume will help.

And riding on that storm is DEN REXLER, an old friend of Jim Morrison. And the gates are opened for old stray monsters, and the kraken moves EAST towards Stragglyville …

And no one is sitting down for coffee, with their friends, and talking about it … not even for tea or a beer or crack.

MARK CUBAN got HACKED …

He was out late with TOM CRUISE and CHARLIE SHEEN. They were eating Horby’s Organic Yoog Cream and hoping Jude Law might show up.

And afterwards Kendrick and Drake did a drive by, and shot six dudes selling apples near the offramp.

And MARK? – he ended up having sex with Terra Gitzy, and she runs a show on Hollywood Boulevard, not far from Creebies Bohemian Theater.

And he got hacked …

And not enough people are talking about it.

MAGA-MAN might go to jail – but his new name will be ORANGE CREAM. He’ll run the “dust” trade on the inside, getting good Columbian YaYo from his pal in Denver. He’ll beef up on rhoids and get into fights and probably get hooked on Kentucky Style Love Making in the showers with Pedro (aka “Jenny”).

And all the MAGA-MAN folk will wander aimlessly in red hats …

And not a word from Harold Ding.

(why)

American cities are boiling over with SIN and VIOLENCE and meth-style real estate pyramid schemes … the “good” home owners sit at home, as the SKROGLON ARMIES form up down the street … You’ll be amazed at how quickly the food runs out, and then it’s flesh parlors and bunctous-beef and stripper style booze parties … and coke … they’ll be a lot of coke

The hoors are being driven from Vroovrington to the outskirts of Roort Town. They bring their wastrel waifs and various pocket captains and metal spikes for eyes. They’ve been pushed too far, and now they’re forming gangs and troops and issuing orders.

And some of these hookers are camping out at the park, near your house, not far from where you walk your dog.

And they’re choosing overlords, and one of them looks like Pam Grier … scantily clad and full of ONYX POWER.

They will lead an attack on the CHICK PRISON in the Everglades, where the PAWG CALDRON overflows.

And no one is talking about it … except for me.

Jungous, the Horde Lord, is forming up cadres outside and inside your city …

His people live in the median, between the fast lanes that take you and your TESLA to STAR SPAM CITY …

They are covering themselves in raccoon grease and wrath …

They will raid your homes soon …

(you don’t have enough bullets)

JOOG, the TURG-NURGEN, aka “Elon Musk”, is steeping his tea in cow urine and elf spice. His mallet if unmet, as the human crankous realm melts into oblivion. He was ALWAYS broken, and now the ZULU is coming for your busty women and your craft IPA beer …

A great space ship is being built in Antarctica. It will take the star children home.

A great ship is being built at the South Pole, it will travel through a hole in space/time.

There’s a GREAT CAPTAIN named BURT who won’t get hurt when the radiation comes.

There’s a lost people in the caves of NOR and there they are led by a scarlet whore.

The human gumptous lives in cities, eating mosquito larvae and churgle-tacos …

They slunk and shamble their ways to jobs where the bunctous sweat burns at their buttholes, as they work off that LUNCH TIME lasagna …

They strangle dreams and in their hand they hold a glowing rectangle, showing all the angles of THEIR DOOM.

They are a poison fruit.

They are the scourge …

I’m a de-expansionist-anti-extinctionist …

I hate Bill Gates AND Norman Borlaug …

I’ll bring my wrath on a plastic spoon Monday.

Then one day my laser scarf wenches will rule the night.

SEA-FLOW brings balance …

SEA-FLOW energizes your sperm.

You can use our flowtein power gels to achieve NEXT LEVEL female boovula style slather-grease.

Nothing can stop you.

we’re loading up on skaguus-freaks, and herpes-felons and Ukrainians … so many Ukrainians …

we’re loading up on SKEETO-TRIBES from the DARK CONTINENT, as the denser grains are fed to whistle-pigs and the Israeli whores sell dick sores to the Doobie Brothers.

we could have had ape meat sandwiches – but no one was willing to wrestle the Sky Hawk Shaman …

we could have traveled to MARS and put our flag upon Olympus Mons and made ourselves a home on those sandy slopes … we coulda … but we didn’t …

We could have formed various FRUIT ARMIES, and made parfait all day …

But you said it was stone-madness, and I said our Kentucky Love Affair was over.

Men and women will breed using metal pipes and ice cream scoops …

In the year 2133, the last bio-sexual act will be performed on Pay-per-View …

From that point on all stiggous-flesh rituals will be cybernetically conducted using gridge-paste and doogan sauces and silicon yeast …

By the year 2044 all women will be men and all men will be gay.

In the near future …

You will have a penile implant that regulates your sperm and skizz-goop …

The government will tax you on your goop …

It will be $4 a wad or nutt …

Probably by 2038 …

Your children and grandchildren will be slaves to the HYPERCUBE …

All COOCH-BABIES will get rabies after doing the BLUES on METH …

And your retirement funds will be diversified into Japanese turnip bonds.

The knockout game is becoming popular, all the kids are doing it now …

They knockout some old dude and then tow the body to the pits outside of town.

they are handing out cable soup to the cadets, and letting the nurses pull the plugs on widow land cowboys …

It’s all sorbitol now … all the food is sorbitol.

we have sorbitol factories churning out sorbitol 24/7

we have plenty of sorbitol for everyone …

everyone can be happy

In the year 2029, fertile women will be rounded up and placed in SWEAT CAMPS in the Everglades …

“You’re RE-TARDIS …”

“What does that mean?”

“There’s even more empty space in your head than would be expected.”