Category: Planetary Status Reports

OKAY … you know how ROM-COM films are really popular?

Like women in the 30’s who only have cats are a prime market?

Title: “Literally, Maybe …”

This is the story of a GEN Z love affair, between two young people who LITERALLY can’t see each other because they stare at their phones all day. But one day, when the power goes out, because of an EMP attack from CHINA or maybe some kind of fucking Carrington Event? – MAYBE these two look at each other and fall in love …

Literally, maybe, this will be a great love story.

Lifetime channel will buy it.

Hey …

TIME TRAVEL MOVIES ARE THE SHIZZEL … so get this …

The movie title: “TIME NAZI”

I imagine it’s 1944, and Hitler sends time-nazis back to Viking times … build up some basic industry for about a hundred years … and then launch an attack on England.

It will be so anachronistic, VIKING armor brigades, rolling up, playing Wagner over loudspeakers … of course we get Mexicans to play the English, and the Vikings are Chinese.

It all takes place some time in the 10th Century. The next King of England is TRANS, and the boogie boys from 1944 want to put a stop to it …

Big stuff here, very deep.

Probably go to Sundance.

What about a film called: “LUST FEST”

Starring: Scarlett Johansson, Sydney Sweeney, Margo Robbie and Salma Hayek …

Setting: a jungle swamp island near El Salvador, run by drug dealers and the CIA and the VATICAN. Sister Suede (played by Hayek) runs an illegal human laboratory, where women are put to the test to achieve total boovula satisfaction.

Lots of “shower scenes” and “jungle chases”, no one gets that much clothing, just how it is in the movies.

Very poignant end scene where Sweeney and Robbie, after ingesting some of Johansson’s flesh to avoid starvation, stand on the edge of some cliff overlooking that wretched dying sea … they hold hands, and jump.

Robbie’s character, “Debbie”, says the following before they jump:

“I wanted to see Vegas …”

(totally hook the lesbian crowd with this “Thelma and Louise” garbage)

(the movie costs $15 million to make, earns 300 million)

Movie Title: “Half Way There”

The story of SIAMESE TWINS that decide their gender is wrong so they pursue a quest to achieve a sex change.

At one point they rob some drug dealers to get just enough cash to buy tickets to Bolivia. In Bolivia they undergo massively dangerous and unsanitary surgeries, with NAZI sounding doctors doing weird stuff with hot pokers.

Movie ends with STROGLON-WARRIORS harvesting the skiv-milk from the sia-trans-twins, who make money, handing out popsicles at the strip mall.

Probably an art house film, maybe Matt Damon funds it.

I’ve got this idea for a SPACE BATTLE FILM …

It’s called: “STAR GLORY” …

You have these magical shit heads called Dyg-Monks, and they go around mind fucking people and spreading an STD that makes more Dyg-Monks …

Some of these shit heads go BAD … they drink the grey-potion and become albino bad guys with bad scar tissue …

A few of the monks rally forces, send out spies and death missions, discover easily repairable flaws in impossible to destroy death stars …

At the end of the series, cuz it’s gonna be one … and will start with EPISODE 4 … at the end, we learn they are all inbred crap heads sleeping with their sisters …

All for the Glory of the Stars.

BIG HIT … probably Oscars.

okay, you have to follow me on this one …

it’s a movie, like that Freddie Kruger bullshit …

Title: WAKE UP CALL

But it’s not about “dreams” … it’s about that shitty noise your phone makes when your morning alarm goes off …

And the trailers are easy … just show people being hacked up in their beds, with that noise as sound track … that alarm noise …

somehow, Druids got a hold of the rare earth minerals that were used before they went into phones … so some phones have this Druidic curse …

okay – Sony, call me

Now this is a good one …

The TITLE: “Spawn of the Devil” …

It’s the story of fraternal twins, born of the rage of time itself …

They grow up in the same house, but there’s always a suspicion that something is wrong … with one of them.

So they go around and around, their whole lives, accusing each other … mostly one person … of being “Spawns of the Devil” …

It’s not much from here, probably make the film in the Czech Republic.

(it’s not a great idea)

Okay, listen to me …

A movie, fictional, about Ray Bradbury and Heinlein …

Title: REWRITE

They meet each other randomly, for coffee …

Witches transport them to Medieval times …

They become generals on opposing sides in a great battle between the Mongols and the English Kings …

And, tbh, I lose the thread of this story right here.

don’t listen to me

So here’s a pitch – tiny people, who want to be left the FUCK alone, being harassed by some nasty old wizard who can’t stop knocking on people’s doors …

Call this movie: “THE RING of the DOORBELL”

The wizard, Geraldo, goes around telling the tiny happy furry people that some shitty OTHER WIZARD, probably the dick’s brother, is causing some kerfuffle … and ONLY ONE of the tiny furry people can help … Geraldo tells this to everyone.

The movie ends with Geraldo knocking on the WRONG FUCKING HOBBIT DOOR …

Jandy, the angry hobbit, here’s the knock and pulls out his .700 nitro express tripod mounted gun (he’s a little person) and takes Geraldo OUT …

That’s how all this stupid hobbit shit should go.