Category: Planetary Status Reports

Remember going to that food court and ordering that REAL ITALIAN pizza slice, named after some Mexican killed in France?

Remember those FUN STORES with fake shit and whoopie cushions? You could buy your girl a mood ring and then test your love at the YMCA shower … those were days, mall rat days.

Some SCRYB is selling cell phone plans in the main hall, and he says “LISTEN UP VERN, YOU GONNA BUY THIS RINGLE DING” … and it’s all I can do to keep myself from braining this GUY with a baseball bat from DICK’S SPORTS.

I would go to Nordstrom’s and try on their spring/summer pastel button down BULLSHIT. I’d go home to my dorm room at the UW and watch GEORGE F. WILL mind fuck me with sideways “small government republican” tripe, as I drifted deeper into a personal abyss that almost destroyed me … but malls helped, amirite?

You remember going to the mall with RITA, and trying on the mascara-dick-wand at Frederick’s? – she would tease you with those strapless bras, and those tube tops, but you were her jizzum king, and she was your sandwich dream. You’d spend the day watching Woody Allen films and trying on skirts and shoes … she would … you’d pay. And by the time the sun was going down, you’d grab takeout from Old Style Panda Express, their motto used to be “Real Good Panda, Real Fast … Panda Express” … you’d get the Orange Panda, and she’d order General Tso’s Panda, and you’d make love in your studio apartment till the sun came up … somewhere.

The mall is where RICK broke your small ginger heart. He was big and strong and played football, he said he’d marry you one day. But instead he left you pregnant, and you’d just finished seeing Jurassic Park … so you think life is a shame. And Rick had his game and he ended up lame and washed up near S’compton. But your cat-spirit burned hot, and you made your way to Hot Topic for some new tees …

There was this store, at this one mall …

Called “S’kleeves”, and it only sold sleeveless clothes …

Gumbo freaks and EAST SIDE TOMMIES and various law enforcement would frequent S’kleeves for buying wife beater t-shirts and sleeveless coats and jackets … the same place would sell MERCURY LOVE POTION from the Philippines, and very abrasive rope, and cloth masks, chloroform …

I recall going to SEARS and buying a new bicycle … I rode and rode and rode down MUH ROADS all summer day long … chased by midget-squirrels and pettergast-flies … and the sun rose so high in the sky … and I was at peace, because of malls.

Malls were our AMAZON.

Malls were our INTERNET.

Malls were our SOCIAL NETWORK.

Malls is where we first contracted genital crabs …

Malls is where we bought smack from Birney.

Malls is where the world died.

Malls.