Category: Planetary Status Reports

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Testimonials … (SEA-FLOW)

It’s been a wild ride these last few days, so much excitement about SEA-FLOW and our various FLOTEIN power supplements.

One of the joys of being the CEO of SEA-FLOW is interacting with our SEA-FLOW lifestyle flo-stories …. A lot of folks are having their lives changed by SEA-FLOW FLOTEIN powders and juices.

We have this one story from Gabe Dirkson, of Seattle, WA:

Dear Sea-Flow:

I've been dealing with stigmoid-densoral skoob-itis for over 20 years. None of my neighbors care, they keep asking "when ya gonna die, I know someone that wants to convert your place into a split level", nice stuff like that. I spend my nights on the back porch now, in my rocking chair, thinking about what I'd do if I could simply get over that nagging fear. The things ...

Any who: I started using SEA-FLOW RED-STYLE FLOWTEIN POWDER No. 8 a few weeks ago, and I can already feel blood returning to my penis and my heart beat is more regular, I don't stop breathing as much at night any longer. All due to SEA-FLOW.

I'm still dying a wretched and horrible death, but I'm getting over my FEAR-WALLS that stifle progress, as a SEA-FLOW recruiter once told me.

Thanks SEA-FLOW!

Gabe

This is another personal SEA-FLOW story from Kaci Dornchamber, of Guston, Colorado: 

Dear SEA-FLOW:

I started using your special FLOWTEIN SEX OIL NO. 12 a few months ago, I can't believe the results. As recommended, I rub 1/3 a bottle on my boovula twice a week, and what's happened is shocking! I now have several boyfriends that come by at night ... they feast upon my flesh as a doe lying near dead in the field, and the mountain lion rips at its flesh. I lay there, languidly, accepting bull pipe magic from husky construction worker types with deep dark eyes and a thousand lies to keep a woman smoking ...

Sure, it gets rough sometimes, but the SEA-FLOW HYDRATION POWDERS keep me rolling, as the train goes by ...

Thanks SEA-FLOW!

Yours,

Kaci
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GRINKEN TIME SALES …

On my ride into work today I saw a sign that read:

“METAL BARRELS, $55.99”, and of course I knew what they meant: barrels, 50-100 gal drums, for dumping bodies … everyone knows this.

But my next thought was, “FUCK, have the GRINKEN TIME SALES arrived?”

Cuz they could have meant bore-ready gun barrels, and they might even have a custom auto-lathe onsite for boring and rifling that damnable thing.

And it’s like “you saying I can walk out of there today with a fully bored/rifled 6 mm barrel for my NEW STYLE AR BUILD in honor of lost old calibers that no one gives a fuck about?”

And you say “Son, we’ll have it done in 30 minutes, or the next barrel is FREE …”

That’s what GRINKEN TIME SALES feels like … it’s Black Friday everyday, but not racist.

You can say “well Dan, I know about BLACK FRIDAY, but WTAF is a GRINKEN TIME SALE?”

Well I’ll tell ya …

We are currently in the AGE of BOBLIMPTOCK. This age began in early 2020, and ends in the 5th Year – we are currently in YEAR 5.

Boblimptock is followed by GRINKEN TIME, a time of LOVE and LUST, a time of GOLD and GRETCHEN the BAR WENCH … a time of rocket ship nightmares and stale cocaine whimsy. And during this time some pretty nasty shit is going to happen, sorry … check under your “Oprah Seat”, you’ll probably find something dangerous that wants to kill you … this is GRINKEN TIME, and it nears …

You can tell when the special sales start popping up … on bleach and knives, re-loader deals for klunget guns … prices? – they will suck … but you’ll buy … cuz GRINKEN TIME awaits, and the “prices” will be worse. So, in a sense, everything IS ON SALE just prior to GRINKEN TIME.

I can’t wait till TESSA’S LOAF STORE starts selling “short-yote” … it’s a kind of coyote that’s starting to breed with raccoons, but Tessa can’t call it a “coon” nothing without somebody thinking she’s racist. And then she has this purple/green sauce made of chestnut berries and scavenged puddle rice. It’s nice to sit down to a loaf in the morning, and work out where you’re gonna look for replacement parts in the wasteland … out near the dune sea.

During PRE-GRINKEN TIME SALES MANIA, Barnacle Bob’s usually has really good deals on quick lime and nitric acid. You can talk to him about the gumbo-sharks being pulled out from below the pier, and if anyone has gotten the “gribblies” yet from eating that infernal thing. He loves to chat about the tortoise migration from Mexico, and how there ain’t no more sand-fumes for making whiskey pie. He’ll be sure to serve warmed up brown drink, with some honey and lime. Bob always loves to greet customers, in the basement, when he’s working, during that pre-GRINKEN TIME festival of sales.

ONE OF THE HIGHLIGHTS of THIS GRINKEN TIME SALES period?

SEA-FLOW is issuing the SEACOIN … we DGAF if the name is already taken by some blockchain hooker somewhere. We will destroy all!

The SEACOIN will be backed by SEA-FLOW FLOWTEIN DRINKS and topical lotions and sex jells … this tracks with all kinds of post-scarcity bullshit.

THE SEACOIN will be bought, during GRINKEN TIME SALES, from a guy named Al … Albert … Albert McDizzywillow … And Al will take your gold and silver and ammo and guns and archery stuff and fishing equipment and storable food and water purification, and give YOU in RETURN a PRINTED CERTIFICATE with a custom QR CODE UNLOCKING #SEACOIN from SEA-FLOW … we will be long gone by the time you figure your shit out.

And you know that SEA-FLOW will have many deals, during the GRINKEN TIME SALES.

  • Colon Cleanse FLOWTEIN ASS rinse (one 1 oz of gold)
  • Cig-Throat Flowtein lozenges (5 ounces of silver)
  • Doogly style harpy juicers (10 pounds of venison)
  • Cat exorcism crystals and SEA-FLOW ritual book (2 dying hippos)

And so much more from SEA-FLOW.

GRINKEN TIME SALES will be your LAST TIME to take part in these ONE TIME DEALS:

  • meat that’s still cool from refrigeration
  • your heart pills from the pharmacy
  • electricity for your shit
  • clean water

So many deals … on SALE … RIGHT NOW … but GRINKEN TIME SALES? – LAF …

Nobody will forget them.

(ever)

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SEA-FLOW

MP3: https://planetarystatusreport.com/mp3/20240505_SEA_FLOW.mp3

Donate: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/doctorfreckles

SEA-FLOW: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=11861

Women and reefs: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=11847

Opening your mind to a PSYOP: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=11845

Teenagers and fractions: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=11852

If we freedom: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=11856

Remember when: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=11906

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CINCO de MAYO!

MP3: https://planetarystatusreport.com/mp3/20240505_CINCO_DE_MAYO.mp3

Donate: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/doctorfreckles

Cinco De Mayo: https://www.britannica.com/topic/Cinco-de-Mayo

What are you making for Cinco de Mayo?: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=11799

There are …: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=11818

You own what you can protect: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=11811

Don’t take it personally: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=11805

Too sick to enjoy it: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=11807

Without bullshit fear: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=11809

Criticizing Israel: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=11842

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Remember WHEN …

I remember Mrs Muggleworth’s celery paste, Puddle Flower would come home from the shallows, and bring me Spring Jebson’s Cotton tacos and Shirley style clam cake with celery paste.

Why can’t it be like it used to be?

Remember when we’d buy unicorn sauce from Treb, on the corner? He’d sell it from out behind the shed where his mother gave birth to him. It would be slick and brown and tangy, it added spark and life to our otherwise droll stoog-rations. Nestor-snakes would hunt our babies, but at least we had unicorn sauce.

remember that?

I used to play jump-it ball with the boys in the open lot across from the nuclear factory. We’d rub radioactive mud on our junk and wear hats made from mutant flowers, for hours we’d dance and play, with nothing left to do or say but cut the tumors off our arms, for dinner. And when that time ended? – we had the deadly “green clouds” from Denver, and that was nice too. I wonder, will it ever be like that again?

Do you think?

Can we MAGA this bitch?

Cum-steaks used to be really popular among the French people in Dallas. You’d see them up late, with doongle-hammers, beating out the JUICE. The stench of dirg-leeches filled the air as those dark figures of regret drifted in and out of their own shame castles. And mom would cook up skizz-stew for the dorb-master, and life was simple.

Can it be like that again, if we try real hard?

MAGA?

Dad had some kind of den below the barn …

There’d be these screams at night, and you’d never ask – not unless you wanted something, something real bad to happen. Sure, there were garbage bags filled, moved, dumped in Lake Gorch … for the tringle fish to feed upon. And his hands would be stained red, and his affect cold, and his eyes staring miles ahead of his heart. We would all have pancakes.

Can MAGA BLUMP save us so that we can have this again?

We used to make slab-loaf for parties, celebrations. Nurse Yuul would bring Danish style short-ribs, and our home would be filled with mist and smiles. Mom would render the grissolm-fat into some kind of form and mix in parrot droppings and rat marrow and dying frog goo. It would take hours to make, but everyone felt good about it, it was special …

Can we MAGA our way back to that place?