Category: Planetary Status Reports

My hooker girlfriend voted for TRUMP.

She’d been getting free DRAINO STYLE abortions at the Planned Parenthood Clinic and Taco Bar in Blunktonville, and now Trump?

He gonna take away all my girlfriends abortions and free needles …

is this right? my girlfriend needs 50 abortions a year …

My friend WANDA voted for Trump …

Wanda is a stripper and a tripper and she works in Port Townsend at Gardner’s Waterfront Bar and Gentleman’s Club. HER HIGH VEE SPLITS bring in the pits from Quilcene and the Dorner fishermen who dine on shelve-crab and booster-trout.

WANDA said she voted for TRUMP and her life got worse and worse. Eventually she ended up in a prison in Malaysia being used by greasy men.

All because she voted for Trump.

The chiropractor PHIL TINGLES voted for Trump …

He was just heading to work that day, without a care in the world, and he pulled over and filled out the voter’s ballot and returned it to the mailbox. And it seemed so ordinary.

Later that night, Phil’s WIFE “Jenny” was fucking Phil’s neighbor and college roommate FRED and Phil LOST IT when he saw Fred blow his load in Jenny’s dank dwelling pit. Phil took his .700 NITRO EXPRESS AR BUILD and blew a couple giant holes in Fred and Jenny …

And all of this because he voted for Trump.

My friend Darren voted for TRUMP.

He thought “no big deal”, whatever.

Now he’s running for his life from the cops in Denver who are arresting gay men for shoving gerbils up their butt cracks … and they want him dead.

All because Darren had to be a BIG MAN and vote for Trump.

I knew a guy named Skip who voted for Trump.

Skip had Dookton’s Syndrome, and none of his “pipes” worked right. Before the ACA-OBAMACARE he had to be drained using leaches and diesel fuel enemas.

Now that TRUMP is back? – my friend will be set on fire or fed to raccoons.

How is any of this right?

This family was driving home in the evening after the county fair. The parents were feeling good about shit and the kids were concussed on freelies-chocolate dunks and roasted coach-burdens.

Dad had to STOP at the gas station to “vote for Trump”, and he really didn’t need to, but his wife, Burny, just couldn’t stop that son of a bitch.

Well … he voted for Trump, and an ax murderer killed HIM and his WHOLE FAMILY that night when they got home.

All because POPS had to be a COOL GUY …

My girl SHEILA voted for Trump.

If you can BELIEVE how STUPID SHE IS. Now she can’t get her weekly abortions at the nail salon with her friends, they do the whole slice/dice/hoovering right there with the Koreans watching.

It’s over for her, and now it’s the alley and the hangar.

All because she voted for Trump.

My friend Martino is from El Salvador. He sells doog-buckets in little China to the spade-farmers and gear heads.

Martino thought he’d be a BIG MAN and vote for PAPA BLUMP … and now he’s on the run from the ICE and the DEA and the CIA and the GOP … and he’ll get shot like a dog soon.

All because Martino thought it would be really fun to vote for Trump.

My florist, Carla Biscotti, she voted for TRUMP.

She thought NO BIG DEAL, it’s just voting. So she went to the voting factory across from the 24 hour Planned Parenthood vacuum center and Waffle House and she voted.

She used to be able to get FREE DRUGS to put in her children’s breakfast, but now she can’t. Why did they take away her KROKODIL allowance and her 544 extra abortions?

All because she had to feel special.

TRENT DRISCOE was just an ordinary BLACK MAN in America, working at the ALFALFA PLANT, eating watermelon and fried chicken.

But one day Trent thought it would be “funny” if he voted for Trump. So Trent loaded up his 4 girlfriends and his 14 kids into Honda civic and drove to the VOTING CENTER in Gorgonstown New York, not far from where President Harrison buried those hookers.

Any who, on his way home Trent was pulled over by one of Trump’s SLAVE GANGS, rounding up runaways and other blacks required for the new slave camps and plantations. He and all his hookers and kids were taken to Tennessee to pick cotton and hunt possum and eat sorghum and fried okra.

All because a black man thought something was “funny”.

I would like to see an investigation into why my auntie Bertha can’t get her 5th abortion today?

She got 4 abortions today, and because of BLUMP she was turned away for her 5th …

HOW CAN WE ALLOW THIS IN CIVILIZED PLACES?

My bowel and enema cleanser friend and energy worker Jan woke up one day and said “gee, I wonder what would happen if I voted for TRUMP”.

She’s on her way to work, wearing cut-off jean shorts, no underwear and tight t-shirt with no bra. She gets pulled over by one of TRUMP’s morality cops, and then FUCK … she’s taken to a MAGA-RAPE facility in Toledo being run by Nick Fuentes.

My friend Jan had to “find out”, and she did.

Levi Goldstein was a risk taker …

He just thought it’d be SWELL if he voted for TRUMP. So he took the TRAM down to the voting-complex in Huscaloosa, Florida, and made his mark for the franchise of social contract.

On his way home, Trump-Style NAZI brigades were already rounding up Jewish people and gypsies and gays and the AMWAY people. All the freaks were being taken to TACO BELL protein re-purposing centers. So sad and poignant with Mahler playing some kind of somber sort of bullshit.

And Levi? – he just needed to do something crazy.