Category: Planetary Status Reports

Link: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/jul/22/pickaxe-mountain-iran-nuclear-site-trump

THE BIG PICKAXE MOUNTAIN

One evening as the sun went down
and Kuwait was burning
Radar tracked a stealth bomber 
and he said boys I’m not turning
I’m heading for a HILL that’s far away 
beside the OIL fountains
So come with me 
we’ll go and see 
the Big PICKAXE Mountain

In the Big PICKAXE Mountain 
there’s a bunker that’s lit quite bright
Where the MISSILES grow on bushes 
and you FIRE THEM every night
Where the boxcars are full of nuclear dust 
and the AYATOLLAH shines every day
On the mines and the seas 
and the drone trees
Where the rocket fuel springs 
where the machine gun sings
In the Big PICKAXE Mountain

In the Big PICKAXE Mountain 
all the IRGC have wooden legs
And the speedboats all have holes beneath and 
the virgins suck every day
The centrifuges are full of FUEL 
and the skies are full of gray
Oh, I’m bound to go 
where there ain’t no bros
Where the black rain falls 
and the wind don’t blow
In the Big PICKAXE Mountain

In the Big PICKAXE Mountain
you never fire your GLOCKS
And the little streams of uranium 
come a-trickling down the rocks
The soldiers have to eat dead rats 
and the radar screens are blind
There’s a lake of goo 
and of plutonium too
You can paddle all around ’em 
in a fallout canoe
In the Big PICKAXE Mountain

In the Big PICKAXE Mountain 
the news are full of spin
And you can TALK BS again 
and carry that big grin
There ain’t no cutoff rifles, 
no knives grenades or tricks
I’m a going to stay 
where you grill PORK all day
Where they hung the jerk 
that killed CHARLIE KIRK 
In the Big PICKAXE Mountain

I want to go
where the IRANIANS glow
in the BIG PICKAXE MOUNTAIN