I was at the grocery store, and something SPECIAL was on sale: slatfish.
Slatfish …
“$3.00 a pound … that’s a deal”, I thought.
On the LABEL it said that slatfish is “a tangy Tilapia type surge-horn yellow-stripe perch with arms and legs and vigor and glowing green eyes and a HERO’S APPETITE … SLATFISH are healthy white-style fish, intended for Tennessee hooker weddings and lazy country afternoons with Thelma Borecrotch of the church choir.”
It seemed an intriguing bite-dish. I could serve this to the people at my job I truly love.
Slatfish have parasites … like the verz-worm.
The verz-worm is a South American butt-herpes infestation that enters your body when someone IN YOUR FAMILY eats slatfish and then uses the common shower. These worms will fill your soul with heavy metal delight and if not taken care of will lead to NEW SETTLEMENTS along the SALTON SEA.
Lots of stories from Federal Way near Seattle of slatfish slunking out of Lake Washington and stealing and eating French bulldogs and pugs. More than a few avocado witches have raised complaints concerning this DISASTER. While most don’t care, one Seattle denizen claimed that “these wretched little dogs are Danish toys of thoughtlessness, they need to be fed to the six gill sharks.” Others have echoed this sentiment.
They say the slatfish are wandering and taking their time … they are in no hurry to reach a destination, not like the monkeys that toss their poop about.
The best way to cook slatfish is on a slat of cedar wood, hence the name. You carve the slatfish into Philly cheese steak dimensions, frying the fish in seed oils and discarded boob-gurglings. You add cilantro and tomato and celery and pepper, cucumber slices and cornbread pudding sklizz. Brush it off with carrot juice gloss and serve moldy and lukewarm to guests from Copenhagen.
Slatfish are cool mixtures of pain sorcery and nightingale pomp. Your MOM’S BOOVULA will INTINGOOLATE at the thought of frozen slatfish style butt plug recipes, for August, when it gets HOT.
Slatfish are high in OMEGA-15 butt crack compounds and other GET RICH QUICK nutrient salves. Your MUSK WOMAN will HURL her GIRL SPEW when she sees that body renewal from slatfish oils activated by SEAFLOW power energy spider egg crystals and micro-butt-plugs.
Slatfish is being sold at WHOLE FOODS and WALMART. It comes in cans that are colored red and green for easy identification. This is a kind and tender sandwich spread and you can use this instead of tuna or cave-slug.
When it comes to common MEAT substitutes, to include elbow-rat and long-pig, slatfish contain 124% more MICRO-VITAMINS and TRANS-FAT-NUTRITIONAL grease-oils. Your HEART will thank you for this bounty.
Monkey heart’d fringe-folk are making strawberry sliders using slatfish, adding it to their soups and salads and dryg-pudding recipes. Slatfish is taking the ROYAL SCENE by storm, as KINGS and QUEENS partake in this latest rake of roaming sea savagery and land omens.
Crisis in the foothills is making it harder to find the dreary beasts who move from pond to pond eating algae and stealing WiFi. Slatfish are semi-aware and looking for love connections with MILF type farmer wenches who sell their thigh-crispy sufferings to wandering hobo camps and football stars.
There’s no need to forget how many pup-women were sacrificed to OPEN THE WAY for keto bros and paleo junkies. Dirg-quadrant squid foragers reported seeing weird lights in the sky, and bats with machine guns ruling the NIGHT. All of this was the opening to our food future and slatfish FEAST.
Several hundred fishermen go missing each year, looking for slatfish, down at the wharf. Some of them carry jugs of merman-mead and jester-goop, others are seen falling asleep under pickup trucks with coke farmers. Danish pimps, with pursed lips and cursed words, move out into the countryside to find JOY SPIRIT in the fields and coves. Loaves of bread are offered to the TREE SPIRITS and green leaf mornings give way to endless brown and red desert fortunes.
Slatfish are chain-hunters. They hide in the closets and old cardboard boxes left by the roadside in small towns in Appalachia. They peak out of the hollers and valleys and torn up forests of Doobinsville and Grophley, Kentucky. Weary from battle, these cave-salamanders spend their Friday nights drinking moonshine and killing time playing cards with old bards.
The slatfish chase our monkey future and give nothing in return.
My heritage is monkey heritage, and my people are monkey people.
Monkeys were here before the slatfish and will remain as the clock winds down.
Monkeys have cool groove style and will TRAVEL MILES to have fried slatfish and gravy.
I was made by a monkey.
You were made by a monkey.
I am a monkey.
You are a monkey.
Monkeys will eat me, and they will make MORE monkeys.
You will make monkeys and be eaten by monkeys.
Merry Christmas.
