Category: Boblimptock

The SCLOVIS lived long ago, and shared their SPIDER STYLE reasoning with the scorpion and the owl. As time turned to yellow haze, the FRED MAZE types left California and moved to Toledo and Denmark. This diaspora of pretty things, covered in LA bling, was the result of the great GUMPTON PLAGUE of 4456 BC. OH HOW MANY SCREAMED as the cream-pie getaways turned to open-ended love-canos.

THE EARTH WAS COVERED in love-canos once. Geologic features that pressed hard against the wooden spirit of that ancient world. Love-canos shot JETS of PURE WHITE LOVE, like a fountain of cream, like an uncorked champagne bottle stretching to the stars. These love-canos went away, as the STROGLIN-VILLAGERS climbed out of the hole, smoked a bowl, and began constructing cities and other types of sewers. But we remember, we keep the barges nearby and prepare for the day of LOADING.

IN THE TIME BEFORE TIME – KLESMER forces forged the SOUL MAGIC using rune stones and sacred mushrooms and old hag pizza. After the reluctant nuns converted to hollandaise sauce hookers, vibrant dance rituals were used to summon LORD GUSTO of the THIRD BALTIC STUD ARMY. Invariably, these disgraceful types sullied the ranks and left dishonor and calumny in their wake. And so began a great age of darkness – till now.

IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR, then of course you’re ready buddy – do you have 50 bucks?

An old truck?

A sucker in a box or a fox?

Can you get a HELOC done son, and send me the money – we’ll meet at midnight along highway 101.

Not far from BIG SUR, our organization has a spiritual training center. At this place of refuge the MENTALLY CAPABLE can learn new tricks from MASTER BIX.

You will spend several months or years there, or until you run out of money. But don’t think this is funny, because many authorized “churches” do this, check out the 501C3 registry my mendicant and DESTROY your fear goblin with relevant facts and a BEACH BODY exercise plan.

Our core program has 9 core skills to be attained:

1 – MIND FIRE

Mind fire training begins with walking on coals – but not just any coals. Hot, burning, fueled by forges, glowing red stones and chunks of glowing steel. Your feet will heal eventually in our private clinic, and then you’ll try again. You have the DISCIPLINE of mind-fire when you can shove a glowing red hot carpenters nail through your foot. You have attained SCARLET MASTERY when you can insert a glowing coal into your own rectum.

YOUR MIND FIRE is the sable guard tulip that steps OUT of the shadows, it’s the burning STRENGTH that keeps you going. To attain mind-fire means to hold counsel with ravens and to get drunk and dance naked at 2 AM. CLAM SWALLOWS will watch over you, and your life will spark an avalanche of misery and scorn. YOU ARE BORN the moment you DISCONNECT from your family and friends … unless you need money, and then invite them to “family day” at the Big Sur Compound.

Typically, this process takes 1-2 months, but some have gotten their faster. Our MONKEY BLASTER sweetheart deals are a steal, and you can have this all for $49,999.99 …

2 – DRAGON’S BREATH (halitosis)

This might be the most powerful super power you will learn, and learn to hate. It’s great, because OLD SUZY SQUAT FACE is stalking you and with this new skill ONE BREATH will turn her AWAY. You will BREEZE through your day, with your boss leaving you alone, and on the phone you’ll carve out your cube-steak and make merry before the demon mistresses. There is NO TIME LEFT for frolicking, and the smell of that dread putrescence will cast CHARMED CURSES upon CODE PINK witches and the curly-bat SPLC drog-faeries.

This process takes weeks, and requires a specialized diet and CHUNKING of food. You have to consume herring dust and muskrat-jerky. You will smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and trip your physiology into GERD where the true capabilities lay.

YOU WILL MAKE YOUR MOUTH a colony to parasites and bacteria and mold. During those COLD MONTHS when the ordinary street tramps are looking for a “happy night Charlie”, your protective spell will raise hell and the prancing biscuit-wenches of the upper eastside will want to take a ride, but your ski lift is closed for repairs.

The price of this POWER is between $10,000 and $30,000. But believe me, it’s worth every penny.

3 – TIME JUMPING

Have you ever wanted to go back in time and KILL HITLER?

Have you ever wanted to BE HITLER, in that figurative sense?

Do you have pent up rage or disappointment about events in your life that you can’t let go of?

At our institute, we teach a variety of skills and techniques for harnessing CHRONOS and making time itself your own personal spittoon, adorned with GOLDEN festoons and garnishes of potato.

KARL DORNING, son of a famous NAZI “paperclip” scientist, attended our 8 weekend lab. At first he was skeptical, then, after a few weekends, he began drifting backwards in time. Soon he could HOP TO ROMAN TIMES and fight bears in the Colosseum. He rode with bandits and sailed the oceans, Karl mad a name for himself fighting the commies on the Eastern Front.

Might you achieve the skills of Karl? – perhaps …

But only after you’ve exhausted your saving and been driven raving mad.

Don’t be sad, it’s all on sale for $4,000 a weekend.

4 – BARSTOOL ESP

We’ve discussed the WOAH-MAN and her importance to our cause, but have you considered how difficult it is to date these days? – dating sucks beyond imagination, especially if you’re divorced and over 40 years old.

But with BESP or Barstool ESP you will be able to CUT THROUGH THE BULLSHIT and plant thoughts in some random woman’s head. You can take her to bed, breeding and seeding, and nine months later a bunctous baby is born in your shed. It’s not super easy, but not impossible.

You will LEARN how to properly GAZE at women, how to stare and GET NOTICED. We will teach you the 4 magic handshakes and the easiest way to slip drugs into her drink. You might think this is crooked, but BOOK YOURSELF A FLIGHT and stay the night. Learn from us and stop going home alone. Your JOAN of ARC is waiting, somewhere, down the street, at a local bar and grill – if you can take this pill.

Prices are insubstantial when it comes to true love, so BE A BRAVE DADDY and take this course for a spin. It’s just 2 weeks, with a break, and we’ll even throw in a steak.

All for a surprising $25,000.00 – what a deal bro!

5 – FREEZE RAY

Everyone dreams of freezing the world.

On some hot summer day in South Texas, with the Mexican landlords handing out coffee-shake, you want to stop the baking but there’s no way out – don’t pout.

At our Big Sur Institute, we’ll teach you how to slow down molecules, and force electrons to release quanta of energy. ON YOUR FIRST DAY you will learn how to cool your coffee drink by 10 degrees in under 3 minutes, amazing.

There are great dangers in this power, and it is not for the faint of heart. Camel riders from Africa have understood the treachery of ice-demons and the curious fate of squirrel-nugget hoarders when the borders of your subconscious become engorged by the MIST TRIALS of Lord THULE. At the peak levels of capability, you will be able to force clouds to snow and cause women’s nipples to become erect.

Don’t deflect young man, your CAN of JOY awaits on your first date if you have the ability to project freeze rays.

One weekend a month, for 7 years: $2.3 million dollars (a bargain).

6 – TITANIUM FISTS

Do you get belligerent when you get drunk?

Do you start a lot of fights?

Are you a weakling who is bullied and have reached your breaking point?

OUR 8 day SUPER PACKAGE, costing only $77,999.88, will have you WINNING – even against professional boxers and UFC dudes.

With this skill you can KILL with your hands. The sands of ages watch over you, as you PUNCH YOUR WAY to victory. Your hands will GLOW RED HOT, and the smell of long-pig slashing will cover your leather jacket. This is NO RACKET to be imbued with this THRILL POWER and body rot.

We may have to inject you with a new form of herpes, and you might get cancer …

BUT THAT’S CHEAP if it keeps the mean guys away, okay?

So send us the payments, in gold and silver and diamonds and cocaine.

7 – LASER BEAM EYES

Yada-yada-yada, you will be able to MELT CHEESE with your eyes.

$2,200 a day for 10 days.

8 – WALKING THROUGH WALLS

IDGAF, just fucking pay me ….

9 – REMOTE VIEWING PEOPLE ON THE TOILET

It’s cool, sometimes they are having sex – most often they are talking on their phones at work. FUCK YOU PAY ME.

EPILOGUE:

YOUR FEAR MONSTER is why YOU are trapped. Like the OLD SKOKI MILLS where the immigrants were killed to add carbon to the steel? – you will be ground up into BEING-MEAL and toaster oven chieftains will each get a bite.

Tell me you don’t have money? – steal it.

Tell me you don’t have time? – fuck off.

Tell me you think this is a SHAM? – really fuck off.

G.M.F.Y.I.L.Y.

Very soon, the ground will shake.

At the appointed time, the world will HOWL like a TIGER.

Our LIGER limitations do not worry, in a hurry we will break through the overcast skies and find a warm place in the sun to die.

On February 12th, 202X, a young woman named Birdy Bess will make her way to WALMART to buy 4 cases of 9mm ammo and 10 boxes of 12 gauge. THERE’S A VIRUS ALERT on the TV, and MAGA MAN SAM is selling his pitch to every KAREN Bitch: lock yourself down, toss your children in the storm drain, eat your protein slurry and SHUT THE FUCK UP … slave. But BIRDY will have none of this hokum.

“Where’s your mask?”, slurred the WALMART greeter, his hands shaking from carbon monoxide poisoning and fiberglass damage to his lungs from the necessary “masks”.

“WHERE’S YOUR MASK LADY?”

“I don’t need that”, answered Birdy. But she could see the fat commie slovitch type was going to get his manager AND the security guards.

She was cornered on all sides, inching closer they would grab her and take her to the back office and teach her a lesson in WHAT’S UP, but Birdy could sense this – she used to date football players.

The baroolian freak, the nasty security guard, grabbed Birdy by the arm and squeezed – he pinched her arm down to the bone, and BIRDY screamed.

Birdy pushed away from these cavemen and pulled out a .357 magnum. She cocked the gun and asked the “men” to step back, so they did, but a nearby KAREN called 911 on her “smart” device and soon the building was surrounded by cops and sheriffs and other assorted pedophiles and wife beaters.

Birdy wasn’t alone though …

There was THAT GUY looking for two-stroke oil, not wearing a mask …

There was the OLD LADY in the wheel chair, packing a hidden GLOCK-19 with a 30 round magazine …

There were the CLUMPTON BROTHERS trying to pick up MILFS in the frozen food aisle.

There were others, Birdy didn’t know it yet, but she would.

Donald Trump, who’d been ON THE RUN from JD Vance for 2 weeks, drove his TESLA CYBER TRUCK through the plate glass windows; everyone was stunned.

Trump, who’d been living in the caves and in the sewers, arrived like DARK LIGHTNING from our broken collective unconscious. Birdy didn’t vote, she didn’t care to, but she knew the ORANGE DEMON, what JD called TRUMP.

You see, JD VANCE took power shortly after ARRIVING in WA DC. The whole SWAMP CADRE of ZIONIST FRINGE BOTS and other hooker henchman joined forces with “MR QUESTION MARK”, that’s what people called him. JD took up with KAMALA and other CLAM-FIBER cultists. He moved into a CONDO at the ECCLES BUILDING and henceforth called it the BLIGHT HOUSE. He and Powell shared jizz-magnets and gutter tiramisu.

“Mr. President, where’d you come from?”, Birdy asked.

“I’m out there and it’s HUUUUGE … JD? – what a twirp, he murdered Melanoma and left me to die by the Lincoln Memorial.”

“What you doing here?”

“I was summoned by the COYOTE SPIRIT.”

More cops gathered outside the WALMART, and now the KAREN SQUAD was demanding GOVERNOR BLIBISS bring out the NATIONAL GUARD.

Soon, even the VATICAN was sending its “HOOKER ANGELS”, blessed by old drunk Jesuits and Franciscans, with the power to CONFUSE and DOMINATE utilizing their jumblies.

Birdy hugged TRUMP, she felt his queebous-sweat and smelled his dingy muck soul. She knew the guy was burnt out and filled with cat urine, but she sensed that DONALD wanted redemption and something about this FEBRUARY 12th would bring it forth.

No one knows who fired the first shot …

Some say it was Cally Jorman, a deputy sheriff high on cocaine.

Others believed it was “Karen” Southerland or “Karen” Greene or “Karen” Moskowitz, they just knew some fucking Karen pulled that trigger.

The shot rang out, and everyone was stunned. Birdy grabbed her stomach and Trump could see she was bleeding; he held on to her, as her legs gave out and she crumpled down to the floor.

It felt like hours, but Birdy was gone in a few moments. Trump held her, caressed her hair, as her monkey spirit left her body for the great beyond.

Trump stood up, angrily. A sense of portent and overwhelming HEAVINESS was felt by all.

“TAKE COVER, RETURN FIRE, AIN’T NOTHING LEFT BUT TO DIE!”, screamed Trump.

Bullets began flying, there, at the Bunkton Township WALMART. Nobody knew much about BUNKTON before that day, just a sleepy little town in who knows where the fucks heartland America. The firefight only lasted an hour, but by the time it was over the WALMART was on fire and reinforcements from the SWAMP RATS and GOMBO-FREAKS of Sector-998 (Louisiana) were showing up, riding hippos, and carrying shivs.

Already, the fourth VATICAN DIVISION of SWAMP WHORES had invaded Mississippi, and there were rumors of other GRONGO-FORCES under the command of former president Barack Obama. Battle lines were being drawn, but no one could read a map.

“GET THAT MISSILE LAUNCHER BACK ON THE ROAD!”, yelled COL CLAM, the busty vixen leader of the BOOB-RANGERS and other chicks that ride tigers. She’d been recruited by the VATICAN when she was a young nun, and now her time to SHINE for the POPE had CUM. “GET THAT FUCKING LAUNCHER OUT OF THE SWAMP!”, she hastened her chick squad, as these voluptuous devil dogs rubbed grizzly wax on their vaginas.

Within a few days the VATICAN had taken control of New Jersey, NYC, and Boston. They had shock armies roaming FLORIDA, and several mutant sasquatch chasing women in bikinis in Georgia.

HOOBIE GANGS of thirty-something CROSS-FIT FREAKS began forming their own KLUNGIT-KLANS, chasing tail and looking for “easy going Sunday morning” sex parties.

TRUMP, upon achieving TOTAL VICTORY at the Bunkton WALMART, joined forces with the brave and sexy SHEILA GANGS of Quadrant-2. These were the cast-asides, the throwaways, they kept their souls in CHECK, and their conscience intact, by remembering the wet springtime EVENTS of their lost urban youth. They came from the slums, from DOWNTOWN, from the gritty city chum lots where OLD MEN look for YOUNG BODIES to buy. Trump could tell they were HOT and HANGRY and HEAVY with foolish heart songs.

“You with us Papa Blump?”, asked Queen Irene.

Trump smiled, and shook his head, “girl, I’ve been with you since the first time we met at Mar-a-Lago so many halcyon years ago”. Together, Trump thought, nothing could stop them.

Papa Blump and Queen Irene, like the SCENE from the SCOTTISH PLAY; one day their fire children would RULE the 5 worlds.

But a darkness set in …

It turned out that JD VANCE had cloned TRUMP, using dried JIZZ from that one time they “experimented”. A HORROR, DARK-TRUMP or DRUMP, was out there, chasing down the young and old, feeding them to the GREAT CRUSHER, mixing mite love with angel worm sadness.

THE BATTLES grew harder, as Papa Blump and DRUMP waged war, and JD VANCE watched over this from his SKY CASTLE: a vacuum ship dirigible floating 30 miles above the surface of the Earth.

DRUMP, on orders from JD VANCE, launched an invasion of THAILAND and began injecting men and dogs and cats with a mind control virus: the virus made everyone exposed susceptible to JD VANCE’S MIND RAYS and even the GAYS admitted, when they spitted, that this was GREASIER than El Paso TEXAS.

For OCCUPIED GEORGIA, life was cruel …

Women were rounded up by various BIGFOOT and SASQUATCH gangs. The YETI now RULED the domains surrounding Atlanta, and the swamps were being turned into all female prison zones: and the women, wearing only bikinis, were marched there … those that couldn’t make it were tossed to the gators.

After defeating the 14th LOON division under the command of KAREN STEVENS, Papa Blump moved on to Florida. He and QUEEN IRENE organized the BOOGALOOS and the COLLAPISITARIANS and the 7th Adventists into STRIKE-TEAMS and Blump demanded everyone wear Hawaiian shirts.

It was looking like the good guys might win, that the memory of poor BIRDY would not be forgotten. Blump carried one of her fingers in his pocket, to remind him of her and the bravery she showed at the Bunkton WALMART on 2/12.

One night, after a long days battle, BLUMP SCREAMED OUT TO THE CADRE and the DOG SOLDIERS sleeping on the beaches near TAMPA:

“WE SHALL NEVER FORGET BIRDY! WE WON’T FORGET BUNKTON DAY!”

The mythology of BUNKTON DAY was spreading like wildfire – even the FRENCH were getting annoyed …

Of course: there were VATICAN SPIES everywhere, and BLUMP knew it. He even had to take a few on one of his “fishing trips”, and many a waifish and virginal nun went to her death being eaten by tiger sharks … terrible.

But it wasn’t all pain, this SECOND AMERICAN CIVIL WAR …

Blump and QUEEN IRENE spent several turbulent nights, sultry and salted, near the seashore, making clam chowder.

“Oh baby, I’ve never felt a man like you”, said Irene.

“HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS, I can’t live without you, and I won’t; if you leave me I’ll kill you”, this made Irene smile.

JD VANCE sent the US NAVY SEAL TEAM X-RAY after BLUMP, but he was a few steps ahead, domesticating and training tiger sharks AS BATTLE SHARKS. And even some of the VATICAN’S “ANGELS” switched sides, having gotten really sick of all the KARENS they had to work with. Things were looking up for the SECOND CONFEDERACY, and that’s what BLUMP and IRENE called it.

“This time, we’ll get it right baby”, Irene whispered into Blump’s ear, as he rode that shark into history.

Meanwhile, DRUMP, under orders from JD VANCE, seized ANTARCTICA and the SAFE ZONE. For years, the rich and powerful have been setting up a “safe zone” in Antarctica, capable of housing nearly 3 million people. BLUMP knew about this place, but his forces were stretched too thin, so he asked QUEEN IRENE if she could send her FOXY FOXTROT SQUAD 11, riding polar bears, down there to the South Pole.

Within a few weeks, DRUMP’S forces and Irene’s clashed, and at STOOGIE PASS the brave women of Irene’s forces defeated the robots and CLAMALA’S GENITAL CRAB POSSE.

It was a near thing …

Because DRUMP had an ally in the SOUTH: Barack Obama.

Obama sent his SKLAG WARRIOR PRIESTESSES, armed with DREG-PISTOLS and wearing sports bras.

After many skirmishes, these SKLAGs were laid to rest near McMurdo Base.

The tide was turning, and it looked as if BLUMP and IRENE’S victory would be assured. But then, DRUMP sent an army of NEOCON lobbyists, riding giant mutant Frenchies into the GAMMA ZONE (Las Vegas). BLUMP tried to shift forces, but JD VANCE had sent his IMAGE as dark satanic power orb energy in the form of a Godzilla sized CAT with glowing red eyes.

Some compared the battles around Vegas, with the dust storms and limited vision, to the “Battle of the Wilderness” in 1864. But they were all hooked on meth and had bleeding gums and nobody of stature listened to them.

The SECOND CIVIL WAR lasted nearly 3 years, and over 200 billion people died.

The battles spanned continents, and BLUMP got to spread his seed. Irene was none too happy about his oafish ways, but BLUMP had FIRE SPICE in his loins and a groin encased in dried blood and sores.

At one point, in the second year of WAR, BLUMP and IRENE SPLIT UP and BLUMP began organizing CARNY FOLK as second and third tier JOOG FORCES. Their skeevy ways and cigarette burns and cotton candy affect took the STAGE … and with vile gutter rage they broke through the LINES at St. Louis.

And the BATTLE NUNS that switched sides? – they led the assaults to retake OREGON and WA state. They even invaded CANADA, that was then being ravaged by a killer outbreak of genital crabs, and the battle nuns captured Vancouver Island, and most of British Columbia … for the SyFy channel … so they would be able to shoot outdoor TV SyFy scenes there for free, IN perpetuity … that means FOREVER fucko.

As the SECOND CIVIL WAR WOUND DOWN, BLUMP began flying space patrols near VENUS and MARS and the MOON. Queen Irene and he established MOON BASE ALPHA and put Colonel Koenig in charge of the fission waste dumps there.

GREAT HONORS were bestowed upon BLUMP. His victories numerous, his armies brave and true. He had so many consorts, Asians, black women, Irene, and some Mexicans – so many beautiful and fertile women were offered up to him in tribute. His seed spread, and like Genghis Khan many a child would be born in the future with his stain upon them.

… and …

It’s hard to believe that one young woman, Birdy, and her brave death at the BUNKTON WALMART started it all.

Through the echoes of time, it will be said:

“UPON BUNKTON DAY we stand, as Birdy once did, in her cut-off jorts and her Xavier-Type BLOOTON rifle”, said BLUMP on BUNKTON DAY, 2/12, 202X.

SO GO OUT THERE GRINKEN MAN.

FIND YOURSELF A GRINKEN WOAH-MAN like BIRDY …

Hustle and bustle your way, stroking your steam pipe, and fill her caverns with chowder gravy and Old Navy loving.

Give her a BUNCTOUS BABY … fill her with your white gravy.

And when the baby is born, if it’s a girl: name her Birdy.