PLANETARY STATUS REPORT!

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The “NEWS” from Izvestia (iykyk): zerohedge.com

FRIENDLY RANT:

I need friends ...
friends made of
glowing hot titanium
and if they held your hand
it would turn to ash
in a flash
I wish I had these kinds of friends
friends who could melt people's hands

I grew up
in the time
of whiskey-apes
we ate cat pudding
we wrestled our fears
in the hope
that some NUKE WAR
was near
I wish I had friends
who remember those times
those years
we'd throw back some beers
and dream of being
ATOMIC WARLORDS
with 50 hooker wives
and a million lives
as the stone breaks
these would be cool times
and great friends

I need to tell you ...
I love you.
I love your halitosis.
I love your diseased liver.
I love the fact that you poop blood clots.
You are my honey-time franchise winner.
And with my SKINNER I'll harvest the world
Cuz ... you know.
I love you.

There's this new thing
called water dieting
you rapidly lose weight
and then you die
and then the REAL magic kicks in
as the pounds melt off
as the worms burn those pounds
you lose a lot of weight

I'm on day 3 of the water-diet, 
I've already lost 15 pounds.

I'm feeling woozy though.

people are telling me 
the "water diet" is dangerous ... 
WTAF do they know 

did you know that MOST 
of YOUR MASS is WATER?

why has the weight loss 
industry and other fitness 
edge-lords been lying 
about this 
for so long?

they NEVER talk 
about cutting it, 
they always EMPHASIZE 
having MORE

MORE WATER

What if the SECRET 
to LOSING WEIGHT 
and GAINING MUSCLE 
has always been 
cutting out water?

One  I lose 50 pounds
on the water diet ... 

I'll send you pictures.

Or the coroner will.

I will be
next years
beach body
surprise ...

The EYES will turn
to me ...
From the sea and the spray.

My JUICE BALM
SEAFLOw STYLE
CHEMICAL BUTT
OINTMENTS will
SELL OUT ... soon.

We're going
to the moon.

Water diets are challenging.
All your friends will say you're crazy.
Your family will distance themselves.
They might even call the cops on you.
If you do the water diet.

But I promise you, 
you WILL lose weight.
A lot of weight.
All of it.

My doctor said 
I was MAD for 
doing this water diet.

I asked him: 
"how much 
of your body 
is water?"

This shut him up, 
he froze, 
he had no response.

What I really want to do? 
- focus on my body.

And that means 
drinking NO WATER 
today ... 
none.

None tomorrow too.

My goal: 
a week 
without drinking water, 
and I think I can do it.

Then two weeks.
Then 5.

Some experts 
are coming out 
OPPOSED to water diets.
This is apostasy.
These heretic harlots 
must be STOPPED 
at all cost ...
Even if it means 
we all get herpes ...

"check under your chair", 
as Oprah would say
it's okay
it's herpes

Did you know 
water kills thousands 
of people 
per year?

but BIG WATER 
doesn't want you 
to know 
how poisonous 
this shit is

the mega floods 
that hit Appalachia 
a few years ago, 
that looked a lot like "Popeye" 
on the Ho Chi Minh trail (iykyk), 
that was water too ...

Sharks? - live in water.

Ted Bundy? - drank a SHIT TON of water.

Jim Jones 
handed out 
the COOLAID/KOOLAID (Mandela Effect) ...

The big Tsunami in 2011?

(that was water)

Bloated?

inflammation?

what do you think causes this?

(what if you knew it was WATER all along?)

Full disclosure: water dieting has risks

There are many 
that say 
you have to 
have water,
every single day, 
but some think 
this is hydro-centrism 
and racist.

Would it shock you 
to know 
ALL THE NAZIS 
drank water ... 
DAILY!

That's right ...

There's a LOT 
of prejudice 
out there, 
when it comes 
to non-hydrotarians.

We choose 
NOT to hydrate 
because we know 
where most weight gain 
comes from 
- water.

Water was always the poison.

Stop drinking water, 
and start drinking in life!

We have a training camp 
coming up soon for people 
who really want to lose 
a lot of weight ...

The secret was always water: 
stop it, 
stop drinking it, 
let it ooze out of you, 
and you will be free

The power over thirst
is the power over weakness