PLANETARY STATUS REPORT!

DEAR BLACK PEOPLE,

I’m opening a PLANTATION in the EVERGLADES. I want busty figure 8 mocha bitches, and hard as SCRATCH DEEP BLACK NEGROES for the alligator wrestling arena.

I will send you a PDF on how to get there.

This is an UNPAID internship.

Dan

Yes GRINKEN MAN, WOAH-MAN, we bumble and fumble our way from BOBLIMPTOCK to GRINKEN TIME. HEAVING and SEETHING, we FALTER in the spaces between hummingbird breaths and toilet crab heartbeats.

WE SWAY from side to side in the fray, as TONGUE-BLASTERS and NICKLE-COMMIES toss urine bags at the cops and the National Guard troops turn the water canons on us.

REELING AND ROLLING, our ship of FATE moves CLOSER to that everlasting forgetfulness, stuck in the coiled spring and waiting for the Summer evening.

Tottering, we fall over …

Floundering, we run aground …

And OUR SHIP SHAPE MUSKRAT LOVERS GLARE at our silky hair and wonder, “is DAN using a new conditioner?”

FRET NOT BOBLIMPTONAUT, your courage powers the MOON TRAIN and you will go INSANE when the carpal tunnel kicks in and the sin-regiment closes down shop.

WE ARE NOT THE WOBBLE HEADED DUKES of yesteryear. Our beer is FRESH and CRISP and lends to a derangement of the stool and a loosening of control over meat supplies.

We will not STEER out of the way, we will VEER out of the way …

When the light turns GREEN at the intersection, we HIT THAT 4-BARRELED BASTARD and dump 4 tons of gasoline magic into the ENGINE, and the wheels spin, and the lurching continues …

YOUR STOVETOP STUFFING is a muffin surprise for the EYES that lock with yours. That woman, and her COWBOY FUNK stunk up the PLACE and it was ACES you’d be playing “escape room” with her that night.

JEB LOVERS stick to the mountaintops, where the BLUE BIRD sings songs and the old timers bury themselves alive. JIVE TURKEYS get COOKED, and the SPIN SEAT HIDEAWAY is frozen in time as particles of light sweep over the fields and pastures.

I DEMAND YOU SAY:

“I WILL LURCH TO CHURCH!”

I will lurch to church and shire and chosen squires, keeping track of baby back ribs and chuck roast to boast.

THE PIZZA MAN is not my pal.

I CAREEN down the valley, heaving and broken, my words not spoken till the first WOAH-MAN came to hear.

I can stare down the BATS living upstairs, and take you to the sauna where we turn on the 60’s MOTOWN and with a FROWN you take my cash and bash my skull in , but I keep lurching.

With heaviness we sigh and the world spins further out of control. Our THIRST is without bounds, and the WHOLE TOWN is up in arms about what we did at Obrien’s Farm. You have a THIRST BURDEN and no one can take it down, the sign says “STOP”, but you lurch along, singing your song, to the BONG HEADS dying in the canal.

YOUR SCABS are CRAB MEAT for the FLEET when their ship comes in.

YOU PAINT YOUR BODY with TURBO TONGS and sober remedies, but the lost ones near the church don’t know; if they can GROW they can lurch too.

LESSONS are LEARNED when you get so badly burned that meaning is set aside in exchange for gun powder.

SO GET UP ON YOUR FUCKING FEET, it’s NEAT to FAIL-FORWARD and FALL on your miserable rice cakes.

HERE ARE THE OATHES of GRINKEN MAN and WOAH-MAN:

1. Don’t sell things to DANES, don’t buy things from DANES. Don’t let your kids marry Danes, don’t ever have a Danish Obstetrician. Don’t let DANES make DRUGS or PRESCRIBE DRUGS, don’t let Danish people watch your dog while you are on vacation.
2. YOUR COLOR COMPOUND is YOUR PROUD BUNKER. Hunker down and eat your chili out of a can and make sure you have plenty of TRIPLE STRAND CONCERTINA WIRE and the special gloves, IYKYK.
3. WHEN THE MAGICIANS and GRIFTERS are selling their WARES? – keep your fucking eyes on the hands. Not the smile, not the fucking busty assistant in the skimpy outfit; watch the hands.
4. You don’t know any more than I do, but you can use logic and simple truths to glean some undigested grapes and peanuts from the CAULDRON of LIES. Still though, you might only know the complete truth when it no longer matters.
5. PAUL HARVEY IS G.O.A.T. – he set the standard for totalistic love-being and the share cropping of human life.
6. GRINKEN MAN and WOAH-MAN were MADE for each other. We are good and nice and moist. We are sweet and sexy together – call me!
7. PLEASURING a WOAH-MAN takes triple-threat maneuvers and weary hand toggling. YOUR SNAKE is the real pusher, and SHE WILL SEEM CRAZY if you’re not TOO lazy when you’re finishing her off.
8. DO NOT FORGET BIRDY BESS! Do not forget what she WILL DO upon BUNKTON DAY!
9. SUPER POWERS cost MONEY, and we don’t take checks or credit cards.
10. TO BE A KUNG FU MASTER you have to understand the TAO of CLAM. Your honey-mustard JAM will TINGLE when you mingle BRUCE LEE with AUSTRALIAN KANGAROO and KOREAN STYLE kick-boxing.
11. DANARCHISM is your SOUL THRUSTER and it will power your life through the pain and strife and your balanced crane shall not die. Instead LIVE PROUD FEVER MOMENTS, Gulliver’s Travels is your map.

SPEAK THE GREAT PRAYER TO THE SKY HAWK SHAMAN:

OH GREAT SKY FLAG,
BLUE AND RED AND WHITE,
FIGHTING COLORS 
for dead black mothers.

Fighting spirit 
for the gin parched,
and the after school clan. 

BE THE BEST WAGON GANG,
WE WERE KANGZ,
AND the RAIN stopped,
and the waters receded.

NO LONGER ARE YOU HUNGRY
or sad,
NO LONGER DO YOU CARRY
that monster dilly palace
sandwiched in your brain.

CLAIM YOUR SALTY AND SAVORY VICTORY!

MAKE YOUR WOAH-MAN REAL!

Frolic away,
shamble away,
heave and weave,
roll and tilt,
lurch and perch,
careening down
the canyon wall.

GOOD MORNING,
FUCK YOU,
I LOVE YOU!

(what must be done)

Some quick FACTS about DENMARK:

1. Shakespeare originally wanted to call HAMLET “Denmark if for Mother Fuckers”, but his agent (Danish) said no.
2. Danish babies are sequestered, for hours, by themselves, while they cry and moan.
3. The Yentl Laws declare that NO DANE may have MORE or LESS than any other DANE, and the Danish government sends out OLD LADIES with 9mm machine guns to enforce these rules.
4. Half of all Danish people have uncontrolled genital crabs.
5. Copenhagen was founded in the year 3455 BC by an ancient MYST-KING named FRAGOR. He built the original ramparts to fend off the swamp people from Novgorod, and the MONGOLIAN BBQ pop-up restaurants.
6. ROME WAS FOUNDED by two DANISH BOYS named REBAR and ROBYERBUTT. Thousands of years of torture and EVIL are traced back to this.
7. FOUR times a year DENMARK is immersed, sunk, into the BALTIC – no one asks why.
8. ALIENS enjoy probing DANES the most.
9. Every problem in your life is connected to Copenhagen and the RED DANES of SLEEVER STREET.
10. Danes control the banks, Hollywood, all the good jobs, and Orange Julius.
11. The average dog can smell a Dane from 245 miles away.
12. DIABETES is a SCHEME, in the “PROTOCOLS of KRINGLE”

OLD DANISH CRONES will wander the streets looking for hope and optimism and love, they will scowl and yell and break the spell of peaceful Sunday style living. They like screaming at KIDS and will lead a flock of children back to their nasty shacks in the woods, and if only they could escape – that Egyptian modeled shack.

When DENMARK decided to invade GERMANY in 1940, no one cared; the fucking GERMANS SUFFERED under GEORG and the NEERDOWELL SCAVENGERS of GRID-31. KEEVOUS the MAD SWEDE sold sweaty dog pretzels to the opium dealers in Esbjerg, where the wild dogs are fed from the dead babies that so many DANES just cast aside, along the road, in the ditch.

The BIGFOOT live among the DANES, but mainly to keep an eye on them …

DANES CAN’T BE TRUSTED, not with sheep or dogs or beer. They will STAB YOU IN THE BACK, and CRY OUT as they beat YOU. If you go on a date with a Danish person, you might need full body radiation for any and all STDs you get.

YOUR DOG FRAMED PADIGM will not MATCH a Copenhagen’s hooker’s needful surprise. When her EYES catch yours you’ll see the speckles of purple, and KNOW that her systems are corrupted and she is NO WOAH-MAN for you to snuggle with.

DANES eat flea dust and live off of rotten fish testicles.

DANES LOVE to smell their farts, and they cart around a load of pain wherever they go.

YOU ARE NOT REQUIRED to save a Danish person if they are drowning – I think this is in Psalms.

Every CHRISTMAS the people of DENMARK make a FEAST of the HOLIDAY FRENCHIE. A family will buy a HOLIDAY FRENCHIE from the KOREAN down the street, and it’s so neat because they will decorate it and cook it on Christmas Eve. Then, the children awaken to that well done FETE and sit at the table to ladle in the misery and scorn and to wish they’d never been born.

One drop of DANISH BLOOD can pollute a reservoir.

YOU EVER STUB YOUR TOE ON A STONE? – a Dane placed the rock there.

JORVIAN MUSK WOMEN wash up on the shores of Latvia, and people know what’s going on. QUORG-HUNTERS from RANDERS grab a sander and set to the work of cleaning the roads. So many prostitutes and nuns are taken out by these weird DANES and their SWEDISH COUSINS that remove bottle caps from beer bottles with their TEETH. And underneath that mess lay a jester and his rubble poetry, and the dead whisper to ODIN “my mother smells”.

SCHRODINGER killed 5.4 million cats to prove a point: he was Danish.

THE VIKING KINGDOM of OLDE DENMARK ruled 45% of MICRONESIA and OHIO. They had boats that skimmed their way up the Mississippi and made landfall in CHICAGO and Las Vegas. SIMPLER CATS tried to farm and log, but the bogs were deep and the sheep died of COVID.

ENGLISH WIVES with fish for garnet, as the DANES go by in their fancy cars. No one cares that the kids eat dental floss and the market only sells ass. YOUR PAST LIVES thrived on this kind of living, but the GIVING is getting harder and the DANES don’t care.

3/4 Danes have killed someone’s grandma, half of these were fed to squirrels.

THERE IS NOTHING SACRED to the DANES!

They feast off of cotton-mouth minstrels and traveling piss monkeys. The DANES cleaved together a “culture” of porn and vice and spider egg delights.

You don’t want to go there, have you seen the movie franchise HOSTEL?

You don’t want to find a man or a woman there, they will come back to YOUR HOME and pollute it with their EEL tragedies.

You can’t handle DANISH LIES and coconut pies, their women have boobs filled with industrial plastic and used toilet paper.

STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM DENMARK!

G.M.F.Y.I.L.Y.

MP3: https://planetarystatusreport.com/mp3/20241107_BTANL_Chapters_9_10.mp3

Donate: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/doctorfreckles

RECOUNTS: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=14852

1. BE HONEST, you suspected TRUMP was “chosen” after the McPoyle Plot of July
2. Nothing has really changed.
3. This will goose the economy and your fragile kitten spirit for a little while.

The US dollar empire burns down as fast as it does.

“Trump”

“Harris”

“Whatever weird protein blob or slab is currently ‘POTUS'”

These are sideways freaks, some might even believe they have power – focusing on them is like focusing on the magicians smile or the pretty assistant.

And this is why you are retarded.

I have 8 years of data – some of you here are part of that data set.

In those 8 years I can barely verify that 5 of the theoretical people that interact with me on the WWW are real.

And mind you: some of the fakers I met IRL.

Chapter 9: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=14470

Chapter 10: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=14735

I CAN TOSS YOU THROUGH TIME – to the Spring of 1993.

THERE YOU’D SEE a BUILDING with fire-lightning screams and the seams busting open. RED FLANNEL DRESSES and messes on the floor, as ATF FUCK-STRANGLERS joke about “long shots” and “did you see that kid’s head explode when I hit him”, SNIPER TROOP, scooping poop from their own diseased hearts, acting as FLAMING CHEEK GOBLINS, taking turns shoving potatoes up each other’s butts. THERE you could have a FORTRESS with walls stronger than the longest 4 steak sandwich. And YEARNING you will find that your color is RED and YELLOW and BLACK. What color is your compound?

YOU DUG A HOLE in the NATIONAL FOREST, like a VIETCONG CUB SCOUT. You didn’t POUT when your wife left you for your uncle-brother, and your MOTHER’S TEETH got replaced with STEEL, because her diabetes was quite bad and nothing would heal. So you tossed her arms and legs and morning trophies onto the PYRE and LIT THAT FIRE and ghost’ed away to the WOODS. YOUR GREEN MEANIE SCARS show THROUGH and that HOT GOO for Cyndi Lou sticks quite firm as dried mistakes on a blue dress. YOUR COMPOUND is GREEN, and unseen – but the old ones see you, and master your fate.

YOUR COMPOUND is your PARACHUTE and your PARACHUTE is a golden shower. YOUR POWER is derived from living a GUSTO EXISTENCE, both hidden and seen as it pleases you, with anchored triple-strand concertina wire protecting the gardens of your soul.

THESE are the VIBRATIONS of your COMPOUND SELF:

1 – OBSTACLES

YOUR COMPOUND must be EMBITTERED with angry LEGO spirits. You wake up, it’s early, the lights are OFF, and some fucking smartass leaves a LEGO on the ground, and without a SOUND your naked old foot, covered in fungal infections, takes a STEP, you leapt, cuz the pain is so severe and you screamed “FUCK” so loud everyone could hear.

Holes are great, and easy to deploy. Ensure you keep a map of all these holes somewhere tucked deep in your reptile mind. Dig trenches and holes, plant punji sticks at the bottom of deadfalls, pee on the sticks and poop on them, such that your enemy can die as the KOMODO hunts.

You can chop down trees and crosshatch them as you fell them. This makes it hard for the weak minded and the frail. In a rats nest of fallen timber, you can hide the LIMBER SPARK of claymore mines and other such IEDs of the spirit. As they take turns hacking away, you can trigger that explosive and watch them FLY AS HIGH AS EAGLES, and it will look so funny from 500 meters away.

A bridge is KEY TERRAIN, a blown-out or washed-out bridge is a problem.

If you have no need for that bridge, get rid of it, it will not serve you or your cloven wives.

A landslide is a great way to block a passage, and sometimes it’s GREAT to trigger this annoyance with an explosive, burying the first ranks in mud and rock.

Don’t be afraid to use cars to block roads, don’t be afraid to permanently disable the vehicles.

A sunken boat can block an inlet, and makeshift dragon’s teeth below the waves can send many a butt-pirate to their graves.

WHILE SUPPLIES LAST, stock up on CONCERTINA WIRE and BARBED WIRE; know the difference, understand HOW to deploy both. If you live on the 8th floor of some hooker paradise, and you’ve got the SCOOBY SNACKS and CAT LITTER but you want to keep out the FLOW-JOES? – then build a SKEIN of concertina wire and barbed wire in the stairwell – the elevators no longer work.

Construction RIP RAP that will be trucked away can be yours: go to some site and make an offer. Those twisted chunks of concrete and rebar are just the fucking LEGO you’re looking for.

2 – OVERWATCH

YOU CAN’T LIVE if you DON’T SEE.

Even the blind can see, but they do so with their EARS. WHEN picking a compound location, you really want it to be the case that: a) YOU can see people coming and b) THEY can’t see you at all. But it’s good to hear too, ideally your location allows you the ability to HEAR something long before it arrives. These are ideals cartoon soldier.

If you have a community, then you need a security plan; part of that plan is the deployment of forward observers. These folks man outposts on the edge of your NEW WORLD, after the collapse, after the TRUMP WASHING wears off. These observers will have a means to communicate with your HQ, ideally field phones, but simple handheld radios can work.

If you have money, you can buy remote solar powered sensors and cameras – but don’t go too high-tech. Sometimes the BEST signal is cans on a string, and that’s some low tech garbage any hooker can do.

OVERWATCH and CONCEALMENT are at odds, honestly …

The ideal location in terms of camouflage can be the WORST location to observe your enemy from. But, if you can work in teams and have a community, then this problem becomes workable and you CAN have your COMPOUND and see the enemy too.

3 – KEY TERRAIN

THESE LISTS ARE NOT PERFECT …

For you, the GOMBO-FREAK:

• Good land for farming
• Access points for drinkable water
• Main routes of travel (also see: avenues of approach)
• High points for long distance observation
• Fishing/Hunting Grounds
• Nearby gas/electric generation you can take over and run
• Nearby communications/WWW hubs you can take over and run
• Abandoned logistical facilities that contain long-term shelf safe food
• Harbors and inlets
• Small rural airports
• Large open areas to facilitate air-assault and airborne ops (your enemy’s might use, meaning: FEDs)
• Nearby cell phone or mobile towers you can take control of

FOR THE FEDs:

• Nuclear Power Plants
• Natural Gas Electric Plants
• Chemical Plants / Oil Refining
• WWW Hubs (you can make a map)
• Cell Phone Towers and their locations
• Military Bases
• Interstate Highways and bridges/tunnels
• Railroad lines, bridges, tunnels
• Container Offloading Facilities / Ports
• Large rivers
• Underground CIA child abuse dungeons
• Mar a Lago
• Airports
• Harbors
• Nuclear weapons sites
• Black Sites
• Porn Hub Content Servers
• Jew Tunnels

The KEY MESSAGE for KEY TERRAIN: key terrain is any land or fixed structure that the LOSS of IT would cause YOU great harm or give your enemy an advantage.

4 – AVENUES OF APPROACH

An avenue of approach is the land, sea or air based path of approach that is easiest for your ENEMY or anyone headed your direction.

A stream or river or creek can be an avenue of approach: it isn’t rapid, and not for heavy machinery or vehicles, but it provides a natural COVER and the noise of the water can mask the sound of troops moving.

Obviously: some shitty state highway or interstate or county road is an avenue of approach. However, most of these shitty constructions will turn to dust in about 5 years; that’s about how well we build roads, these days. But still, the dirty muddy dusty path that used to be I-5 will be useful for those strange travelers from beyond.

A railroad track path tends to follow the IDEAL slope path, and often has access roads build nearby. Many kinds of military vehicles, tracked armored type vehicles, can use the path created by the railroad tracks as a makeshift road as well. YOUR ENEMY might use trains to move troops and logistical materials, so this is WHY a railroad track is key terrain and WHY sometimes the best idea is to dismantle the tracks completely, blow the bridges.

AIRCRAFT, especially military aircraft, have IDEAL avenues of approach. Helicopters can take advantage of river valleys and canyons, also using the echo effects and ambient noise to mask and misdirect their enemies. Close support aircraft like the A-10 are designed to endure HIGH TURBULENE low altitude flying. There’s not a lot you can do with FUDD TECH against CAS aircraft, but you can string a canyon with steel cable and NOT include the flashing red light – cuz that was BOBLIMPTOCK, and it’s GRINKEN TIME NOW BRAH!

5 – COVER

Logs and mud can be deployed in such a way that they provide both COVER and concealment. But the priority about COVER is protection against: military caliber rifles, crew served weapons, light and heavy machine guns, indirect fires and other explosives. A simple log-house bunker, using rock, sand, dirt, mud, as the “mortar” to fill in the gaps between logs. If your compound color is GREEN, this is a great way to build the split level cabin/underground dwelling space.

COVER is NOT concealment, cover is what stops a bullet or a fragment from a nearby exploding artillery or mortar round.

COVER YOU CAN LIKELY DEPLOY won’t protect against bunker busting bombs or any average attack by the defense forces of Israel (they be bombing at 10,000 tons of TNT per square mile these days).

6 – CONCEALMENT

ARE YOU SPIDER MAN?

Are you invisible?

WHEN YOU IMAGINE THE COLOR OF YOUR COMPOUND do you think CRYSTAL PEPSI?

To be hidden is to be unknown, occult.

To be hidden is to be like night, like the wind, like gravy chariots running down the ice mountain, running from wolves.

To be hidden is to be ignored, and this is CRITICAL.

What if I told you the color of your COMPOUND is brown and green and gray? What if you and your BITCH CLAN of the SEATTLE JUNGLE built a portable set-up from cardboard and tape and garbage bags and parachute cord and love? What if you built a set up that could be packed on the back, and folded out FAST, so that WHEREVER the fuckers of SLEEGIT VILLE SEND YOU, you can move on out quickly and have your new home set up FASTER than BRISKETS. But it has to look bad – your shambles has to look like it’s covered in vomit and fecal matter and dried blood.

THE BEST DISGUISE is THEIR apathy.

IF YOUR COLOR IS “HIDDEN”, then you can avoid those harmful interactions when the homeowner starts going all “Bill Pasquale” because they’ve had the FOR SALE sign UP for 4 months, and no one is stopping by, and you’ve dropped the price 7 times.

CONCEALMENT is NOT cover: so get some ballistic blankets you can toss over your moving hovel, to save you the trouble of burying your street-whore girlfriend.

CONCLUSION:

YOUR WITCH STRENGTH is in KNOWING that there’s a place for you, and your kin, when Grinken Time begins.

NO IDEAL compound exists, ask Hitler …

You can bury yourself 900 feet below the surface of the earth, and drink whiskey and watch old movies. You can have a compact nuclear power source, water and food for 3,000 years. You can make mashed potatoes and gravy and eat this in your dirty underwear while dreaming about Sydney Sweeney – no matter tired old barn cat, you gotta scat and find your comfort valley up in the woods.

If you are driving through UTAH and see a sign that says: “THESE ARE YOUR PUBLIC LANDS”. THEN STOP ON BY and set up your compound on YOUR public lands. Build ramparts and dig wells, take a STAB at drying sheds for VENISON and farming local trout. Your CARROT TOP lovers will SPILL THE CREAM when your stony temple comes into scene.

YOU NEED YOUR HOME.

They want you to burn.

G.M.F.Y.I.L.Y.