Month: June 2024

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FIRE: Financially Independent Retire Early

FIRE:

Do you dream of HELI-SKIING your way down some EURO-TRASH mountain scape, not far from St. Durgley’s, where you met your hooker wife?

Do you hope you can afford to send your kids to that SCHOOL one day where they’ll teach those little fuckers how to hate you? Hate everything about you?

Are you looking at those really cool YACHT websites? The ones that talk about 60+ foot long ocean going all aluminum boats that can power their way to sunsets and fun and adventure? Maybe you’ll find a new lover on those 7 seas, to replace your spiv-wife at home. Maybe you’ll write that maritime novel you’ve been dreaming of, about submarines hunting for Conan’s lost gold … sell it to Marvel probably …

There are a LOT of EZ-MONEY programs that promise HUGE returns, but how many pay off? – virtually ZERO. Our program from SEA-FLOW allows you to define retirement in easy to achieve LIFE-BUCKETS:

LIFE-BUCKET 0: Do you know where your wife is?

LIFE-BUCKET 1: Do you think she’s having sex with Barry?

LIFE-BUCKET 2: How many times does she have to go to spin class?

LIFE-BUCKET 3: Maybe I’ll surprise them at that spa in Van Couver?

LIFE-BUCKET 4: I think WALMART still sells guns …

You see how this works?

Of course, most think the NEW AMERICAN DREAM is dying in your sleep – literally, figuratively, writ large, think about it. But at SEA-FLOW we don’t stop because Taco Time is selling “pork especial” now, and nobody asks what’s so fucking special … and nobody says nothing about the fingernail they found, the one with nail polish still on it. It’s the new American Dream, and that’s ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW …

I knew this guy, CHAD.

Chad wanted to start an old-style Panda Express, like the old ones, back in the 1970’s, when chain restaurants could still be kinda racist …

He knew it would take cash to find and raise and harvest panda – what the HELL did Chad know about panda? – but Chad was disciplined, and put his money into a SEA-FLOW FAST RETIREMENT ACCOUNT …

Now CHAD is selling general Tso’s panda to the rubes in Splunkton, and he’s just another glowing example of what’s possible using our program.

OUR SEA-FLOW FAST RETIREMENT ACCOUNT is powered by BITCOIN.

We have 5 level-VPN-LASER locked server farms in Hong Kong cranking out coinages day and NIGHT. Our accounts contain investments in South African REITs and Argentinian Century Bonds. We’ve diversified into MOON BONDS, 10,000 YEAR GALAXY BONDS and various start-ups like QUANTUM DATING.

We have an ethereum contract structure using stardard DSC-448 type code flanks. Our gindous-ruul markers set the flame tolerance for outer and inner sales and misfortune.

Our underground VAMPIRE TONTINE AGREEMENTS allow our CLUB … cuz it is a nice club, and YOU’LL BE A MEMBER ….

Our vampire tontines will allow you and your wife and your 53 kids to visit one of our POWER CLUBS, where you’ll get to drink baby blood and have sex with warb-freaks and rub SKUUL OIL on your flesh rod.

You won’t believe your eyes when your WIFE comes home with Edgar the Frenchie trainer, and you can tell they’ve been playing “Old Miss Splimsly” under the bridge, cuz you can smell boovula sauce on HIS breath … well … at least you’re retired early.

Your kids will THANK YOU, as they get addicted to TRANQ at the Fentanyl Skate Park, and your eyes catch the glimmer of a metal bat as your face gets bashed in and your hope-farm gets buried under a landslide of FAIL-SCHEMES.

That’s how you retire early …

That’s how you get your revenge.

But you can’t WAIT for the next TOR-GULLEY EMO HAG TRAP …

There are skunk women, laying in wait, out there beyond the SECTOR WALLS where the squirrel nuggets are sold by the pound, and the kids dig for whisker-eggs all day.

You can save up your money and find that place of bliss, if the Florida Woman is willing to lead you down the storm drain.

A chance encounter at CHASE BANK led you to the CD banquet bar behind the safe. Crystal Tibbons is running the GORD MAGNET, as the RETIREMENT OFFICER sifts through Jerry’s underwear stash, from WALMART. Your WIVES prepare a lunch time buffet of slick-grease seed-oil chicken muggots and tryb-sausage from Carol’s donut palace.

FIRE is the way through.

Drunk teachers: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12313

Dreams: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12275

Free Market of Money: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12281

Soup lines: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12207

Ukraine War: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12307

Dogs: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12310

Bad Ideas Rule: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12317

Communists hate anarchists the most: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12320

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TTP: time to PANIC!

TTP:

On the way to work this morning … or maybe it was yesterday.

Driving along FRONT STREET in Port Angeles, where the CRAB MONGERS and HOOR WIVES sell boovula beer to the Coast Guard seaman …

There was this dude in a wheel chair with one leg, dragging himself down the road, pointing at himself vigorously and saying something inaudible, but I could sense what he was saying:

“Do me the kindness of running me over.”

His clenched fist, white with tempest pain, just wheeling down to the SHELL … maybe to get a cigarette for a buck from the person working there …

Maybe to buy COLT 45 MALT LIQUOR and some Mentos.

There’s the weird lights over Mt. Klumson, not far from Yulu Peak. Weird rituals have been held up there in recent weeks, busty women between 25 and 45 years of age have been covering themselves in greases and oils and doing the dance of naked supplication to the sky hawk shaman that lives in the mountain pass. Time to panic bro.

I can hear the scream of mollusks and shrimp, their voices ring out in unison for a DANGER DAY where cave men and CHUD and wookie will strike at our hearts and tear out our fears and leave us with no more beer … or love. Shark masters have hired all the rowers from Port Townsend, and the galley herders from Diggston Beach. Many natives are pulling out their dream catchers and walrus snatchers and erecting totem poles to far out banshee killers. No more gaseous leaks from the paper plant, no more piracy from the SS Roog in the harbor.

It’s really time to PANIC … I mean it.

There are a lot of rumors going around about something in the water …

Old Miss Dlimsy got sick a few weeks ago. Such a nice old crone, she’d serve up scones and bacon to all the hobos willing to do some “crawl space” work. Gitzy Simms was checking in on her, and knocked for 10 minutes … no answer. They did one of those welfare check type thingies, and found her dead … body melting from TURG WORMS …

Turg worms have been found in the waters of the Puget Sound and in the rivers and streams. They are very small, impossible to see, but they get into your blood, your marrow, your hair follicles and your hair conditioner … they get in there and they whisper things … tell you to do things … people and dogs start to go missing, and boy you wonder about your bloody hands when you wake up. Were you dreaming? – TIME TO FUCKING PANIC!

Already, there are swarthy jergis henchmen forming up in the town square … calling for BLOOD VENGEANCE and dildo magic …

You can see the smoke from the fires in the distance, as various crap zones fall victim to chaos. Northern generals are arming their conscripts with turnip guns, and handing out bottles of whiskey …

Time to panic.

Joro spiders …

Ukraine taking out Russian early warning radars … fuck …

Bird flu is infecting all the asparagus, this is unnerving …

Papa Blump might go to sexual pervert jail … very sad …

Haitians are still eating each other.

State of Israel is still doing ethnic cleansing.

The US government is still conducting HIGH INTENSITY military psychological warfare against its own people.

… yeah … time to panic …

(long past time)

Balance of Power: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12266

Mass graves: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12222

Simplest thing: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12227

Swiss Cheese: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12231

That exit: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12269

Loud: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12272

Manufactured Emergency: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12335

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TRUMP SENTENCING

Trump Sentencing:

Trump has been found guilty …

Trump has been found guilty of CRIMES against CATS and lesbians …

Trump has been found guilty of CRIMES against ALIEN SPECIES and weird grass fed spiders.

Trump committed as many crimes as 5,000 hippos and 21 grizzly bears.

But now what?

Trump is to be SENTENCED on 7/11 … does he get a Slurpee?

It is believed that JUDGE YENDAROO will sentence Trump to something severe, probably involving a trip to the SUPER-PANAMAX prison container ship that wanders about the Panama Canal … sure … Trump will probably get eaten by an anaconda, but his story lives on, and the swamp people of REGION VORG will sing great songs about his doings, as the ants pile sand, and the world turns to darkness.

Sure, that’s a theory …

Old Clev from the marina told me that “Trump will be sentenced to the 8 witch treatment!”

Clev says they’ll take old Trump to the Grand Canyon and stretch him out upon the burning rocks, nailing his hands into the stone, as he groans he will shit his pants. Then 8 fat women with blue hair will micturate upon Donald’s head, while JERVY-DANCERS twerk nearby and gasoline is force fed down that orange man’s throat. I know folks will be upset by this, but they’ll still tune in, pay-per-view, $200 to watch MAGA-MAN slowly die in the desert …

HOOGLY caught up with me at Slim’s Navy Bar off of Skid Avenue. There was a girl named Tessa selling hair-moulds to friends and neighbors for 77 cents – she’d sit in her underwear, not far from that broken park bench, shaking and rocking back and forth …

HOOGLY said Tessa said Trump would have tiny fish hooks connected to every part of his body … 100 pound test line connected to each hook and the line on many tiny electric wenches, slowly pulling Trump apart … they’ll feed him to bull sharks in El Salvador, as tainted cherry astronauts fly knotted flags to the Moon. And Tessa keeps rocking and muttering about krokodil. Of course Tessa might not know …

My ghoul sauce vendor who also works for Vrool Fishing Factory, well HE SAID Trump is going to be made into the fry cook at some McDonalds … He’ll have to work there for YEARS, and people will spit on him … so he’ll start spitting in the food. You see him? – you don’t go there, unless you’re MAGA and you’re into that sort of thing.

But maybe he’ll just be sent to an island, to live with the bears ….

PAWG NIGHTMARE: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12323

Super Mad Cow: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12127

Tritium (again): https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12174

Moar spider eggs: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12203

The Candle: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12190

I ain’t lost yet: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12194

History: https://planetarystatusreport.com/?p=12200