April 2025 - PLANETARY STATUS REPORT!

is it nailed down? – GRAB IT!
is it too big to MOVE on your own? – GRAB A FRIEND (aka OLIGARCH)!
is ownership nebulous? – it’s yours, if you get there with your oligarch friends FIRST!
is it easier to fix than create? – who cares …
how do you get rid of 20 millions illegal aliens? – that’s a math problem, and we don’t do math in America any longer.
you going to space? – sure, that’s our “room full of computers”.
Can we do this better than Gorbachev did? – sure, we have the DORITO BANDITO country-fried FRITO in charge.
PAPA GLUMP PUMP is your YAZOO YELTSIN, with putrid fire churros and lost ginctous to sell near the overpass.
The national forests and parks are set to burn, so we sell the timber and the land. We learn to eat sand so that the SWELLS can get MAGA and the rest of us can beat bricks.
YOUR SIR LANCELOT has the clap and no one has shots, unless you mean tequila. The stones are HOT will BISCUIT CIDER and the WIRED scumbags are lurking near the mule parlor.
COMRADE, if you want that new flashing shit then some cows WILL GET exploding monkey herpes, and some chickens, and milk, cheese from the cheese cave, probably a lot of crops … if you want the NEW NINTENDO … welcome to the new world. Hobos with BIC lighters will set fire to your block, no so randomly, with developers plans on BOOK at the Mayor’s office. Just rinse and repeat the fake nonsense, people will prefer to starve.
Watch out for the falling debris from the food processing plant.
Make sure to put on your coffee filter first … then you can JOIN MAGA CORPS and SCOTT ADAMS will be your bunganutt butt master feur-gergen poop warrior.
Can you feel the MAGA as you meditate on WHO was president during the 2020 monkey fuck?
Do you want to go eat some raw bat to make magical viruses that DO ravage Lombardy Italy, but DON’T impact the tens of thousands of illegal Chinese in Little Saigon and Chinatown and Koreatown SEATTLE …. just random and weird magical fucking viruses.
I am the magical hobo that can GO to the hospital with my medicaid card: no monkey herpes test, no monkey herpes vaccine, I got surgery … no one fucking cared about the COVID … weird after reading about that story about that kid that was denied a transplant.
I am the magical dude in Seattle AUGUST 2020, and the GUARDIAN said a building across the street had caught fire … and it didn’t happen … but people wanted the LARP more.
To be MAGA you need to dose yourself with massive amounts of LSD, then build a time machine out of cardboard and old used and dried out condoms.
A MAGACORPS SERVICE MEMBER can COAX the cot casket bean leaders into picking up stone and pipe and chain. They will GAIN NEXT LEVEL SPIRIT OFFERINGS as PRELUDE to the Hopi’s 5th World.
DANCE WITH YOUR COCAINE BRIDE like it’s MOSCOW 1995! They chide you on, the CIA minders, as money is funneled and nukes are stolen and V. PUTIN waits in the wings. MAGA MAN achieves total victory against the confinements of standards and morals …
You see that thing over there, on the ground? That mound of flesh?
You see that hound, shoot it on your way out then wave your BACK THE BLUE FLAG, FAG … and hit that ground rolling … never spoiling for a real fight, just having fun scaring the poors.
Don’t worry about WHY people in Seattle buy air conditioners now … not relevant …
Don’t worry about the nearly bug free windshields … it’s pole shift … it’s what that SHEEP DOG told you on YOUBOOBS …
Remember back in 2018 when the PAPA BLUMP ADMIN said a couple things: a) arctic is open for business AND b) there’s never been more arctic ice … funny … one of those things can be true, as you spill your white goo on the ladyboy’s chest.
You’re a monkey-scar MASTER, with gel fist and yellow-red eyes. STAND FAST against the GROBLYNNE HORDE and the DIRG-FINGERERS who malinger near the the bandstand and go on junkets to TORMUND TOWN and BROWN CASTLE.
YOUBIZZ blesses the arch forger, cumming lessons of slack-eyed Kung Fu traveling.
WWG1WGA, and Q-transmits are sent to SLEEVIX where GENERAL OOT is looting the scooter kings of Madison Square GARDENS, eating land crab and rustling hookers.