PLANETARY STATUS REPORT!

What are you making for Cinco de Mayo?

Are you making that beef and squash you made last year? You brought it to the PUB where you get smashed with your channel friends, Gertie said she had crabs, and you both cried, and then had some of that STIMBLY you made from dried out muskrat and twice chewed menses. It was a real hit.

Derek stopped by after the SKLOOB party at Nate’s place, and he told you he loved you and he’d marry you and give you babies. And you guys drove out to the LAKE for the SUBMARINE RACES, the chases, and he said he smelled tuna – and you smiled and said “yes”. That was some dish you made, for Cinco de Mayo.

What you cooking up, for MAY 5th?

Your mom is coming over, and she always made TEXAS STYLE ARMADILLO CHILI for Cinco de Mayo. Her crusty-jell would smell up the kitchen, but the tender gold mold-gravy is what you and your wife are waiting for. Too much potato wax spoiled it last year, but if you drink enough beer (cerveza) you can stand her … for a while.

Paul shows up late, with his hoor date from Grinken Town, and the letters on her read “shell fish”. You can have your TUXEDO style dance moves, but your brother loves his Arkansas sideways Sally. Never forget how many hours you spent in the bathroom … last Cinco de Mayo.

WHAT YOU UP THIS CINCO de MAYO?

I heard you made PIZZA last year … with pineapple, and Canadian bacon. I saw you, watching RACHEL RAY and cursing on Shambla. Your cat, so tired of your drab scab, wondering WHEN she gets to pick your bones – she sits on your lap, you poo sap, eating SWANSON’S SALISBURY STEAK dinner again … for Cinco de Mayo.

The building super comes by and checks on your plumbing, but even his greasy eyes refuse your lies, as you stand there near naked in a t-shirt and silk underwear. You grab the Sangria and make your way to the fire escape, knowing that the MAN RACE is dead, and the race to the bottom is just beginning. Last Cinco de Mayo.

THIS CINCO de MAYO …

Are you going to apologize to Tony?

Tony has been waiting this whole year …

He thought you hated him, because of his baloney sandwich smile and that detestable grin on your visage, as the gauge of brain fog spreads WEST.

Tony was never gonna forgive you, but he’s bringing TACO SURPRISE this year, something intended to coop and steal the culture of MEXICO … to APPROPRIATE the LATINX lived experience.

He’s also going to tell you he has syphilis, and you should get checked too … this Cinco de Mayo.