Category: Planetary Status Reports

MP3: https://planetarystatusreport.com/mp3/20230225_How_many_times.mp3

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How many times will you hunt the flesh of the world?

How many times will you lie trembling in your own gooey minctus?

How many women will turn on you and leave you begging for mercy?

How many time worms will wriggle in your belly seeking escape, but you are the eternal seal and you won’t allow ANY TIME to change until the time comes?

How many times will I venture into the spirit mind, while observing nothing and being wrought by that terrible inner pain and existential gastric infection?

How many times will I fall in love with a hooker style lover, only to be dumped someplace … with only a terribly incurable genital crabs infection as a persistent and unholy reminder?

How many times will the water fall from the waterfall until the water is gone and we’re falling for fake water being sold by the fallen ones? Fallen angels selling us fake water, what shit heads …

How many wars will be waged? Will we writhe as mud bunnies in the forbidden zone? Eating rat pastry and watching our gums bleed? Infatuated with the END of TIMES, instead of living with the greasy green sprouts of woolly headed thinkery and coke head optimism?

How many urinal cakes must I eat? Will I forever wander from one CIRCLE K bathroom to the next, looking for that tasty, waxy, nasty thing, blended in the patina of urine coarseness and fast-time love making doing it trucker style in the alley?

How many times will I watch some NETFLIX SYFY FANTASY limited SERIES, produced, ostensibly, by some NORDIC CRAP HEAD, but with English dubbing that sort of works, and it avoids being labeled CHING-CHONG racist BECAUSE of the surreal nature of the plot and how it’s confusing? FUCK THIS BULLSHIT MAN … (fuck it)

How many times will I lay awake, frustrated with the gods, seeking a kind of SOUL VENGEANCE that is only allowed to true warriors of the KIEFTAN-KLAN that hunt the old beasts near the ravine where you dumped the body of that hooker last Summer, and your dog told you to do it?

How many times will they shut off the electricity, based on the reasoning that I can’t pay and I don’t have no job for the simple fact that I stole money from the owner of the restaurant while she was wrapped around my man pipe in the lady’s room and it felt bad and rough, sandy?

How many times will fuckers say “good morning”? Are you afraid of the NIGHT? Do you not SENSE the coming dawn, ripe with dark and greasy demons, all of which are there to hector you, down the street of failure, until there is NOTHING LEFT INSIDE except “good fucking morning”?

How many times will my lover shove potatoes up my butt? Does she know this is hurtful? Does she know that I have feelings? I could have taken that job, hunting wild grizzly, eating and foraging off the scraps of broken worlds? But YOU are my tormenter MISS POTATO HEAD, and why?

How many times will I be chased down the streets by mobs of angry villagers, upset that I ate all their chickens and stole all their eggs and live like a hairy wild man making love in their fields to busty ladies with little regard for vaginal cleanliness or KETO STYLE PALEO diets?

HOW MUCH WATER, REALLY, GOD? Why must I keep drinking it? I drink some, I think I’m done, and then I’m thirsty again? Who thought up this bullshit? Why must I keep drinking water, is there no end to this madness that eats on me like some untreated STD in my groin, leaving sadness?

How many times do I have to stand there and listen to her talk talk talk about CANNING? Putting carrots in jars and meat in jars? Preparing preserves of apple and strawberry and jizzum? I can go kill some guy and feel better about it than all this “let’s put shit in jars” wastoid witch beast … tired of it.

How many MORE FUCKING TIMES will the aliens show up at 2 AM, all “smiley and grey”, to shove a metal probe up my anus? And for WHAT? SCIENCE? Are they the dumb aliens that build star ships but also have a keen entrance in the shit tunnel? Come on, it hurts down there from rape.

How many screams will be heard once the great SASQUATCH-POCALYPSE begins? Will those grand beasts, 12 feet tall, come streaming out of the hills to ravage our busty women and steal our craft beer and catalytic converters? And what will come of this, once the wookie is finished?

How many more MEMES about DODDERING OLD PRESIDENTS falling down stairs and then going crazy and taking on the flavor of human stink flesh as the tasty obsession that drives that old shit head to hunt long pig on the streets of WA DC while the secret service helps him with this?

How many YEARS until the sky turns black as blood in the darkness? How many YEARS until the sky hawk shaman brings back the light and cures the crotch rot in our hearts? How many measly pieces of jingo-fries do we get at dinner if we finish eating the monkey-pigs and gerbils?

How many drinks of whiskey in that nasty bar off of Grinken AVE, where your MAIN SQUEEZE hooked up with Larry and went back to his apartment so that he could ream her rightly? And you’re left drinking Wild Turkey, alone, with the stink of cigarettes and stale beer about, salty?

How many times will people create new ONLINE DATING accounts, only to be fooled by the first or second “wow, you look cute” message, before the fees kick in, and you know she says she lives a 3 day drive away, but she really cares and thinks it would be great if you could meet?

How many more monkey-people must die before the 12th KOOP WAR ends and all the last jizz-priests completed their forsaking of wave-oils and meat-nuggets? But you’re too slow, and the killer whale bites off your nuts so you can’t just drive to Burger King and get some chili now?

How many times must I explain to people that I don’t really BELIEVE in ALIENS, and if you are being visited, late at night, by some “being”, a being that seems to have a purpose around raping your butt hole, that it’s RAPE and it’s a DEMON and it’s not cool man? (it hurts there)

How is it we are still here, breathing? Should we not be stuck in that strange zone of forgetful bliss sauce? Are we not the HORNET EMPERORS that once ruled over the deserted shire, once the shit princess gave up her amulet and all the orcs set about impregnating her poop chute?

And is it not our fate to be beaten, like the old time’y black and white style take downs? Where Humphrey Bogart pulls out his 1911 and pistol whips you until your face is mashed in and there are brains all strewn about, but he don’t care because he finished an 8 ball of coke?

Whilst we delve so deeply into the font of DESPAIR, that our only escape is to brew KROKODIL with Tracey, once she gets off her shift at the strip club, and you don’t ask her about that whitish goo, on her bra, because that’s not “the basis of a trusting relationship”, buddy boy.

HOW MANY TIMES … I ask, DEAR LORD … must I sit here, with my sores and scabies? Will I lance the boil with this dirty steak knife, and smell the pus once it’s done? Can there be a greater HELL than that ditch we dig for ourselves and our dying stripper wives? Do you feel me?

And this is it …

The nature of time …

The infinite complaint …

A forever kiss from a pale skinned mistress, as she lay there, all swollen and frosty, looking for loin grease to sally forth and warm the cudgels of your heart.

Time is a WHORE named Sheila, she has crabs.

MP3: https://planetarystatusreport.com/mp3/20230225_Awaken_dear_Grimble.mp3

Donate: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/doctorfreckles

Wake up gentle GRIMBLE …

You’ve been asleep for 7,000 years …

Come forth gentle GRIMBLE …

Bring us the laughter and tears …

Build your castles made of wax, unto the realm give your blood oath, unto your lover give your STREAM.

Make your river a valley of whores.

Arise pedestrian KING, reclaim your kingdom among the freaks.

Stand up, Tornado Knight, and bear the light breath of life for the STROGAN-FOLK and their sheep.

Fire up your furnace and cast aside the old dogs of war, replace pink sprites with metal and kettle and knife and pie.

Open your eyes WISE GRIMBLE, take note of the time and usher forth the flames and tremble.

If you walk the EARTH for 7 years, you can make amends for those old crimes of tasty blood malady and overcoming fruit guilt.

STAND FAST OLD BEAST, and wave your hands about …

The DELORIAN FREAKS will stride over wasteland cities, and the bejeweled harlotry will herald an age of STINK BEETLE PIZZA.

Your mind will slice through the bullshit and reveal the inner core of disturbed angel sands. Your kite spirit unites the 77 demon worlds, and opens a portal to the newest and most fantastic of places …

OH FINE GRIMBLE,

your mind on fire with GRIEF-RAGE.

You remember the time of broken heart’d living, when the cavemen women wrapped themselves in steel-cotton, and the grease merchants sold dolphin-slab by the gallon to truckers …

Your fist will beat down the failed crap heads.

There are no words for you GENEROUS GRIMBLE!

You give of your flesh sauce and no monster will halt your guile and danger …

Your plan for us is wise, and our workers have begun fashioning the stone. Our astronomers see the Heavens and gaze too deeply into doom paintings.

DEAR GRIMBLE, HEAR YOUR SULLEN PEOPLE!

My Grimble, come home.

A fire shall burn, and the hog-dwarfs will pay.

A cannon shall boom, and the cougar wench will be lost to the swill.

A lion will ROAR, and the KELMER-MONKS will learn to hunt grease-weasel and eat black pear pie.

And you, Dear Grimble, will ride high on the wheel-throne hound.

A time of testimony will arrive, when the 17 hooker-wives will give their word to the throng. Judged for heresy, the GRAND DUCHESS will ungudgulate herself will tinctulating her boovula.

A sly jester frolics nearby, high on PCP and stale cocaine …

And OUR GRIMBLE is ready!

THEY WILL COWER BEFORE YOUR STRENGTH!

They will cry and wail at your approach …

They will be heard saying, “the Grimble approaches, hide the busty women and the beer …”, but nothing remains hidden before the Grimble.

He is the caretaker of all lost sins, he is the SAUCE!

How many 8 balls of cocaine have I had, waiting for you my loving Grimble?

Am I simply a plaything of the gods, being tossed about by fate, like some meth head loser that can’t stop thinking about LAY’S PLAIN WAVY POTATO CHIPS?

Will the wizard steal my robot arm, to kill you?

So we still wait, despite feeling the quaking earth …

We still hunger, despite hearing your distant steps, the crushing force of your giant flaming iron feet burning and squashing the ground …

We prepare the great offering, of Norman Borlag stew and diabetes goo, and more.

We wait as space ghosts, covered in dingus brine.

We wait as HEROES, sitting up our swords.

We wait as hooker queens, with steel bearded rage DOWN THERE. (you know where)

We wait and smile and worship and build statues of our friend GRIMBLE.

And one day, HE will take us home.