If I had an onlyfans account …

If I had an ONLYFANS account?

It would be some fetish site, exhibiting an overweight dude, in his 50’s, eating chili raw from a can, in his underwear, in the darkness of a cold camper.

(and that’s just every night for me)

If I had an OnlyFans account?

I’d wear snuggle-bunny diapers, and have some kind of fucking plastic pacifier in my mouth … as I slobbered over German chocolate cake – and read Nietzsche …

If I had one of those accounts …

I’d shake my booty, for the looty …

If I had an OnlyFans account …

I’d trick old “Wharf Sarah” into being in some “movies”. She’s 70 and has been tricking for decades … our thing? – the “double Santino Oklahoma style” …

It involves 300 feet of abrasive rope, a diesel generator, four long fluorescent bulbs.

don’t do the “double Santino” on a first date

a “single Santino”? – maybe, if you have an emergency defib kit